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Priests To Name And Shame Meat-Eaters After Ash Wednesday Raid In Landi’s, Coalisland

Probably doomed

Probably doomed

Already compared to a professional military operation, priests in East Tyrone are said to be ecstatic after a successful under-cover sting in a chip shop in Coalisland unearthed 77 local church goers buying meat on Ash Wednesday. 

Locals have reacted to the raid by stating they thought they were under no obligation to abstain from meat on a Wednesday, or any other day of the week apart from Fridays for the duration of Lent.

Billy Lyons, who ordered 4 cowboys suppers, 3 cheese burgers and a pastie bap, is furious that he was forced to change his order to 5 fish suppers:

“Bollocks to all that. I was looking forward to sausages and beans. But when Fr Foy jumped up from behind the counter, shaking his head and throwing holy water at me I had no choice. Catholic guilt is tara.”

Foy maintains he will read out all 77 names at Mass this Sunday as a warning to anyone else thinking about indulging in meat on Fridays for the next 6 weeks or so:

“The excuse about not knowing the meat rule on Ash Wednesday doesn’t wash. Everyone knows you fast that day to get the body used to no-meat Fridays. You should have seen the faces on some of the guilty parties I nabbed. Even Big Jim O’Neill and Pat Doris were caught out looking for kebabs and chicken wraps and them always first up the aisle for communion. Double standards and double burgers it seems.”

Vatican officials have pardoned the 77 meat orderers this evening and warned them that God wouldn’t tolerate another lapse before Easter Sunday, threatening a plague of parking wardens to the town if the offence was repeated.

Lions, Not Boars, Once Roamed Edendork

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

New Edendork crest?

New Edendork St Malachy’s crest?

Channel 4’s Time Team have descended just outside Dungannon to reveal ancient animal remains which confirm that Edendork was in fact once a land roamed by a pride of lions.

Tony Robinson and the other trampy looking fella have been involved in digs on a hill behind Edendork chapel since Easter Sunday, unearthing remarkably well preserved and fully intact skeletal remains of the massive wild cats, once king of the land.

The hamlet of Edendork, which translates from Irish as “The Hill of the Boar”, is in fact as it turns out a slightly inaccurate historical representation as the newly discovered bones reveal. It was in fact carnivorous felines, rather than swine, which once held pride of place in the locality.

Local curate Father Simba Ntacubme has been delighted with the find – as long as the dig doesn’t continue south into the confines of the graveyard.

“Its totally amazing!” he exclaimed “This is exactly what this parish needs. It’s a totally new way of bringing in revenue, as the church plate has been very barren of late… I have no need for any more buttons- put it that way.”

Father Ntacubme has already printed 1000 “Totally Edendork” t-shirts and 500 “Totally Edendork” mugs which he hopes to sell to the droves of tourists expected from as far away afield as Killeeshil. The dig site is predicted to rival Powerscreen and the former Tyrone Crystal factory as the new popular attraction in the area.

Edendork Primary School’s headmaster David Attenbrie’s plan to host a ‘hands-on’ session with a live lion in the playground next week have been described as “utter recklessness” by the SELB.

The local GAA club committee are to hold an emergency meeting in the coming days to see if the club crest will be changed considering the revelation, and are reportedly seeking a six figure sponsorship sum for their senior and reserve jerseys from any Nestle chocolate bar.

Rumours that Time Team were initially actually brought in to dig for lost ‘Snowball’ prize fund monies from the Edendork Hall’s successful bingo days were rubbished by Father Ntacubme.

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