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Tyrone Abstract Artist Tipped To Win Big Awards In 2016

An Omagh artist, whose style has been described a ‘surreal or abstract or something like that’ by a local secondary school art teacher, has been tipped by family and friends to bring major honours to the county next year after he released a taster of some of his current work.

Titled ‘Major Moments In Tyrone’s Recent History’, Paul Montague painted Dennis Taylor’s 1985 World Snooker Championship win, Kevin McCabe’s penalty point in 1986 and Tom McDermott’s famous red shorts scene in Big Brother in 2000.

Local art teacher and hippy Miss Kelly Donnelly gave a detailed commentary on each picture:

dennistaylor

Here, you can see the nervous smile from the Coalisland potter as he maybe is unsure of the overall score as he’s possibly not good at adding up. He’s holding the cue above his head to try and influence the judges. The small table symbolises how he dominated the sport at that time. Taylor is also floating on air and that is self-explanatory. The spelling of Dennis’ surname represents something too.

mccabe

Here, you can see the blue sky symbolising Tyrone’s high hopes that day. You can also witness the Kerry goalkeeper doing some kind of war dance, maybe an indication of the tribal lifestyle in Kerry in the 1980s. Finally, you can see that McCabe has one leg a bit longer than the other, reflecting the power he put into the shot, making it sky over the bar, and we can see that he wasn’t happy. The absence of his moustache is a surprise, maybe showing how Tyrone were playing as a team, not as individuals.

tom

This form of erotic art is self-explanatory. Tom’s facial expression reflects his state of ecstasy. Not much more to be said about that, to be honest. His Greencastle tan is unerringly accurate.

Framed copies of Montague’s artistry can be purchased for £49.99.

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Portglenone Rate Top Tyrone Attractions

By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)

As a result of the unpleasantness which inevitably arises in the Portglenone area, at the very mention of the topic of Antrim and Derry, we decided to ask our readers to tell us what they felt were the 20 most influential things ever to have come out of County Tyrone.

We received literally some replies, most of which were either unprintable or illegal and one involving a goat which, quite frankly, was not even physically possible. Our Pointless Statistics Team once more got on the job but when they were finished, they put together this table of results in offending order;

20. West Tyrone Constituency Boundary: The relatively new parliamentary area has been cleverly passing itself off as France for some time now resulting in its attracting thousands of tourists expecting to see Eurodisney and The Eiffel Tower. The disappointed pilgrims are forced to make do with an electricity pylon in Urney and Eurospar, Omagh.

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19. Cranagh: The village adjudged by National Geographic Magazine as ‘the furthest you can go out of the way before you start coming out the other side’.

18. Paul Brady: The curly, surly ginger, singer/songwriter and professional ‘Bosco’ impersonator who brought us the classic refrain;

                  I wanna take you to Coalisland

                  And count the off-licences per man

                  And in the evening when the sun goes down

                  We’d rip the ATM from the local filling station

17. Making Pat Spillane Puke: A classic reversal of the normal pattern of Pat Spillane making everyone else hurl their fadge.

16. The Place Name ‘Sandholes’: Deriving from the Old French ‘Sans Houlles’, meaning ‘Without Arse”, the area is credited as the home of the design of cheap supermarket denim which reduces ‘buttock protrusion’ in male wearers over 35 years of age.

15. Splash: The popular Saturday night, light entertainment programme where fading celebrities imitate their own careers by falling unceremoniously from a great height without being touched in an attempt to garner advantage which is scarcely deserved. The format is based on the career of Brian Dooher. (Apart from the great height bit obviously)

divers

 

14. The Carnteel Road: By an amazing freak of geography, motorists travelling directly from Aughnacloy to Dungannon will pass the end of the Carnteel Road on no less than 14 occasions.

13. The Place Name ‘Orritor’: For the sheer joy of positioning a district which sounds like a body cavity in close proximity to another called ‘Sandholes’.

12. Sir James Cricket: A comedian who has sustained a 40 year career with an act based entirely on a humorous tea-towel which my mother brought back from Westport in 1972. Don’t come here.

11. Benburb Sunday: A day where children up to the age of 12 were rounded up by monks and made to pay to slide down a hill on a carpet of rough hardboard resulting in semi-permanent scarring of skin tissue on the thigh and elbow.

10. Dennis Taylor’s Wiggly Index Finger: Widely regarded as being amongst the finest of the gargantuan-spectacle wearing ball potter’s eleven fingers.

9. Penfold from Dangermouse: No list would be complete without the pint-sized, sidekick, cartoon-moaner and his hilarious catchphrase; “Carrickmore Gaelic Fudball Club”.

barry

8. The Amazing Disappearing Letters ‘T’& ‘W’: Used to such wonderful effect in the pronunciation of places such as ‘Cookson” ‘Stewarson’ and ‘Twincamton’.

7. Eugene McMenamin’s Unfeasibly Black Eyebrows: The Strabane based MLA holds the distinction of having been balancing two ‘Granny Grey Beard’ caterpillars on his forehead since 1984.

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6. The Red Hand of Ulster: Yeah, thanks a bunch for that!

5. The Carland Bypass: The wonderful decision to remove the one corner which broke the utter monotony of driving between Cookstown and Dungannon.

4. Eponymously Titled Products which are now Defunct: Tyrone Brick, Tyrone Crystal, Tyrone Power, Tyrone Moderate Alcohol Consumers.

3. Consilio et Prudentia: Although also the names of two Late (possibly ex) (possibly Latex) Nuns from Loretto convent in Omagh, this is actually the irony valve straining motto of the county translating as…wait for it…no I’m serious….”Wisdom & Prudence”.

2. The Untimely Demise of Tyrone Tom’s Red Shorts: The ill-thought out decision to use the Greencastle man’s iconic shorts as an agreed alternative to the Union flag on Belfast City Hall.

shors

And of course topping the list

1. Ballyronan

Omagh Journalist Hires Personal Security After Goading Utd Fans

Outside Omagh offices this morning

Outside Omagh offices this morning

In a bizarre development, roving journalist Roger McGuinness was seen walking into his Omagh offices this morning surrounded by a bevy of American-style security men in sunglasses talking down into their wrists. In what he is now calling ‘a severe backlash’, McGuinness took to social networking last night to wind up as many Manchester United fans humanly possible within an hour of the English soccer club’s demise in a top European competition. Misjudging the chronic disappointment of their fans, the freelance hack received a torrent of abuse initially before things took a turn for the worse overnight.

“Jaysus boys it’s tarra. I was only having a laugh like – the sort of barstool slagging you’d dish out in Sally’s or Tessie’s. I didn’t realise how serious these boys took it all. At the start it was just the odd gentle bad-tempered reply. Soon it got personal. I was up at three o’clock this morning hosing down grown men who were dancing on top of my motor shouting “Twelve Cantonas” or something like that whilst giving me the fingers. I never slept a wink.”

McGuinness immediately contacted Fermanagh novelist Damien Brogg who suffered the same fate after claiming in his highly-acclaimed book that Donegal smelt of vomit most of the time.

“I knew Brogg had been through this too. I remember he said men from Donegal would just stare through the kitchen window of his house in Fermanagh at night for six months after the book launch, as a form of silent psychological intimidation. He put me onto these six boys from New York who used to look after Tom McDermott from Greencastle after he came out of the Big Brother house. So far so good. They’ve managed to stretch out three United fans who went for me in the Centra this morning. I’ll not be letting my guard down yet and ironically saw a martial-arts course flyer in Pomeroy this morning. I’ll be fly-kicking these boys soon myself.”

McGuinness says his slagging days are well and truly behind him though he claims he might have one more shot at Liverpool supporters before the season finishes.

What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend?

Whats-on-logo

GALBALLY – World Goat Dung Spitting Championships 

This weekend sees the much-anticipated World Goat Dung Spitting Championships return to Ireland after a ten year lapse. Galbally will host the main senior event with Yayo Mbachi from Senegal hoping to retain the title he won in Bolivia last year. Local competitor Gareth Loughran will make his debut having practised spitting hard balls of goat dung all Christmas out his back.

PLUMBRIDGE – Mass Destruction Therapy Weekend

Come along to The Plum on Saturday to witness or even take part in the mass destruction therapy session on the banks of the Glenelly River. Anyone who is feeling stressed out and has a doctor’s note can bring along old TVs, cars and loose windows and smash them to smithereens without fear of being committed. Organisers ask that you bring your own jack-hammer or crowbar. Women are asked not to curse like last year.

OMAGH – Sauna Endurance Competition

Following last year’s near fatal but magnificent record victory,  GAA referee Martin Stafford will be aiming to consolidate his position as Tyrone’s top sauna endurance specialist on Sunday at the Silver Spoon Hotel.  Stiff competition this year comes from Caledon’s  Mary ‘Wrinkle’ Quinn whose preparation has been so intense she now looks like an deflated accordion.

GREENCASTLE – Tyrone Tom Returns

Tom McDermott, once the most famous man from Tyrone in 2000, relives his best TV moments on stage this weekend when he acts out his Big Brother highlights with a few of his mates and a lock of sisters on the back of a lorry. Be sure to get a front row seat as Tom re-enacts the day he walked in, the day he walked out and riding a stationary bicycle for food. Plans for the infamous tight-shorted ‘massage scene’ will only be fulfilled during the late night X-Rated performance on Saturday, weather permitting.

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