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Tyrone Abstract Artist Tipped To Win Big Awards In 2016

An Omagh artist, whose style has been described a ‘surreal or abstract or something like that’ by a local secondary school art teacher, has been tipped by family and friends to bring major honours to the county next year after he released a taster of some of his current work.

Titled ‘Major Moments In Tyrone’s Recent History’, Paul Montague painted Dennis Taylor’s 1985 World Snooker Championship win, Kevin McCabe’s penalty point in 1986 and Tom McDermott’s famous red shorts scene in Big Brother in 2000.

Local art teacher and hippy Miss Kelly Donnelly gave a detailed commentary on each picture:

dennistaylor

Here, you can see the nervous smile from the Coalisland potter as he maybe is unsure of the overall score as he’s possibly not good at adding up. He’s holding the cue above his head to try and influence the judges. The small table symbolises how he dominated the sport at that time. Taylor is also floating on air and that is self-explanatory. The spelling of Dennis’ surname represents something too.

mccabe

Here, you can see the blue sky symbolising Tyrone’s high hopes that day. You can also witness the Kerry goalkeeper doing some kind of war dance, maybe an indication of the tribal lifestyle in Kerry in the 1980s. Finally, you can see that McCabe has one leg a bit longer than the other, reflecting the power he put into the shot, making it sky over the bar, and we can see that he wasn’t happy. The absence of his moustache is a surprise, maybe showing how Tyrone were playing as a team, not as individuals.

tom

This form of erotic art is self-explanatory. Tom’s facial expression reflects his state of ecstasy. Not much more to be said about that, to be honest. His Greencastle tan is unerringly accurate.

Framed copies of Montague’s artistry can be purchased for £49.99.

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Hugo Duncan Leaves Big Brother House Successfully Without Detection. Family Worried.

Hugo, years ago

Hugo, years ago

Hugo Duncan’s elaborate plan to evade detection in the Celebrity Big Brother house has worked successfully after he was voted out by the public last night.

As we revealed weeks ago, the Man from Strabane entered the house under the radar, pretending to be a boxing promoter called Frank Maloney who had changed gender to become Kellie Maloney. The elaborately difficult strategy was pulled off to perfection with Hugo never once slipping back into skiddily dee mode or saying anything in a Strabanese accent.

Friends and family, who have yet to see Hugo after he slipped off into the London night with his new family, are said to be extremely proud of the Radio Ulster man. A cousin, Hugh Duncan, did sound a couple of warnings for the coming weeks:

“Whilst we’re delighted he pulled off this stunt without fault, we’re a bit perturbed that he went off with Maloney’s family to a few dodgy nightclubs in London Town. They seem to think that Hugo really is their father who has become a woman. We sort of need the real Frank Maloney to come forward, or sorry, Kellie Maloney. It’s just all deadly confusing now.”

Another full cousin Hughie Duncan is worried his blood relative might be seduced by the new lifestyle:

“I thought I detected a level of comfort in Hugh after about the third week. I just have a niggling feeling he’s enjoying the anonymity of being Frank Maloney being Kellie Maloney as well as the skirts. I just hope the penny drops some day when county music comes on the radio and he starts skiddily deeing and eating buns. COME HOME HUGO.”

Strabane Borough Council have postponed their Welcome Back Kellie/Frank/Hugo party for the foreseeable future.

 

Omagh Journalist Hires Personal Security After Goading Utd Fans

Outside Omagh offices this morning

Outside Omagh offices this morning

In a bizarre development, roving journalist Roger McGuinness was seen walking into his Omagh offices this morning surrounded by a bevy of American-style security men in sunglasses talking down into their wrists. In what he is now calling ‘a severe backlash’, McGuinness took to social networking last night to wind up as many Manchester United fans humanly possible within an hour of the English soccer club’s demise in a top European competition. Misjudging the chronic disappointment of their fans, the freelance hack received a torrent of abuse initially before things took a turn for the worse overnight.

“Jaysus boys it’s tarra. I was only having a laugh like – the sort of barstool slagging you’d dish out in Sally’s or Tessie’s. I didn’t realise how serious these boys took it all. At the start it was just the odd gentle bad-tempered reply. Soon it got personal. I was up at three o’clock this morning hosing down grown men who were dancing on top of my motor shouting “Twelve Cantonas” or something like that whilst giving me the fingers. I never slept a wink.”

McGuinness immediately contacted Fermanagh novelist Damien Brogg who suffered the same fate after claiming in his highly-acclaimed book that Donegal smelt of vomit most of the time.

“I knew Brogg had been through this too. I remember he said men from Donegal would just stare through the kitchen window of his house in Fermanagh at night for six months after the book launch, as a form of silent psychological intimidation. He put me onto these six boys from New York who used to look after Tom McDermott from Greencastle after he came out of the Big Brother house. So far so good. They’ve managed to stretch out three United fans who went for me in the Centra this morning. I’ll not be letting my guard down yet and ironically saw a martial-arts course flyer in Pomeroy this morning. I’ll be fly-kicking these boys soon myself.”

McGuinness says his slagging days are well and truly behind him though he claims he might have one more shot at Liverpool supporters before the season finishes.

What’s On In Tyrone This Weekend?

Whats-on-logo

GALBALLY – World Goat Dung Spitting Championships 

This weekend sees the much-anticipated World Goat Dung Spitting Championships return to Ireland after a ten year lapse. Galbally will host the main senior event with Yayo Mbachi from Senegal hoping to retain the title he won in Bolivia last year. Local competitor Gareth Loughran will make his debut having practised spitting hard balls of goat dung all Christmas out his back.

PLUMBRIDGE – Mass Destruction Therapy Weekend

Come along to The Plum on Saturday to witness or even take part in the mass destruction therapy session on the banks of the Glenelly River. Anyone who is feeling stressed out and has a doctor’s note can bring along old TVs, cars and loose windows and smash them to smithereens without fear of being committed. Organisers ask that you bring your own jack-hammer or crowbar. Women are asked not to curse like last year.

OMAGH – Sauna Endurance Competition

Following last year’s near fatal but magnificent record victory,  GAA referee Martin Stafford will be aiming to consolidate his position as Tyrone’s top sauna endurance specialist on Sunday at the Silver Spoon Hotel.  Stiff competition this year comes from Caledon’s  Mary ‘Wrinkle’ Quinn whose preparation has been so intense she now looks like an deflated accordion.

GREENCASTLE – Tyrone Tom Returns

Tom McDermott, once the most famous man from Tyrone in 2000, relives his best TV moments on stage this weekend when he acts out his Big Brother highlights with a few of his mates and a lock of sisters on the back of a lorry. Be sure to get a front row seat as Tom re-enacts the day he walked in, the day he walked out and riding a stationary bicycle for food. Plans for the infamous tight-shorted ‘massage scene’ will only be fulfilled during the late night X-Rated performance on Saturday, weather permitting.

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