Strabane’s deadly rivals on the field and life in general, Urney, made a double announcement this morning after their tourism office confirmed the townland is to be twinned with Megan McKenna. Additionally, the parish are to ask the reality TV and Strabane-hating star to turn on their Christmas lights in 2016.
McKenna, who angrily revealed her distaste for the Strabanese people on Saturday night before hopping on an Easyjet to London to tell her friends about the savages she encountered in west Tyrone, is the first person to be twinned with another town, highlighting the high regard she is held in around the greater Urney area.
Urney mayor Seamus McGlattery added:
“This McKenna blade is a sound judge. She’s just vocalising what we Urneyites have known for centuries – the Strabanese are a sub-standard breed. And she was only there for a couple of hours. She’s a shrewd character and we’re happy to have her turn on our lights this Christmas. We’ve never had lights before, and sometimes we forego Christmas completely, but by God we will go all out this year.”
McGlattery confirmed that the townland committee stopped short of renaming the Urney Road ‘McKenna Lane’ but revealed they’ll reconsider the decision on an annual basis as long as the Celebrity Big Brother star maintains her verbal war on Strabane for another few months.
“To be honest, none of us had heard of this girl until Sunday morning but sure wasn’t that the same with Moses, Elvis and Pele. These people announce their greatness on the world with one piece on genius and that McKenna girl just had her Mount Sinai moment at the weekend.”
Urney Ladies GFC have decided to rename their team ‘Urney St Megan’s’ for the coming year as a mark of respect and gratitude.
Hugo Duncan’s elaborate plan to evade detection in the Celebrity Big Brother house has worked successfully after he was voted out by the public last night.
As we revealed weeks ago, the Man from Strabane entered the house under the radar, pretending to be a boxing promoter called Frank Maloney who had changed gender to become Kellie Maloney. The elaborately difficult strategy was pulled off to perfection with Hugo never once slipping back into skiddily dee mode or saying anything in a Strabanese accent.
Friends and family, who have yet to see Hugo after he slipped off into the London night with his new family, are said to be extremely proud of the Radio Ulster man. A cousin, Hugh Duncan, did sound a couple of warnings for the coming weeks:
“Whilst we’re delighted he pulled off this stunt without fault, we’re a bit perturbed that he went off with Maloney’s family to a few dodgy nightclubs in London Town. They seem to think that Hugo really is their father who has become a woman. We sort of need the real Frank Maloney to come forward, or sorry, Kellie Maloney. It’s just all deadly confusing now.”
Another full cousin Hughie Duncan is worried his blood relative might be seduced by the new lifestyle:
“I thought I detected a level of comfort in Hugh after about the third week. I just have a niggling feeling he’s enjoying the anonymity of being Frank Maloney being Kellie Maloney as well as the skirts. I just hope the penny drops some day when county music comes on the radio and he starts skiddily deeing and eating buns. COME HOME HUGO.”
Strabane Borough Council have postponed their Welcome Back Kellie/Frank/Hugo party for the foreseeable future.
Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.
Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.
Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:
“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”
Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:
“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.“
40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.
“Ah I didn’t really watch it. I was glued to Celebrity Big Brother live feed.”
PETER CAMPBELL (88) CLONOE
“To be honest I missed the whole thing. I got parked in Clonliffe College and opened the picnic the wife made me. 24 sandwiches, 4 packets of Kimberley Mikados, 3 flasks of tea, 5 Paris buns and a slap of potato salad. By the time I finished that lot off it was well into the second half.”
GEOFFREY MCELHINNY (56) STRABANE
“Disappointed. Himself will be in the house now every weekend with that big oul grumpy head on him watching cowboys films.”
MARY SCULLION (44) ARDBOE
“What did ye expect from a group of lads wearing bras. Bras! In my day the jersey was made out of aluminium and the chest would be scored off you. Not even red and white bras like”.
PETER MOSSEY (56) PLUMBRIDGE
“Maurice Deegan. Pure and simple. The bollocks could only point the one road. And Maurice isn’t the name of a good referee. You’d need a Pat or a Mick. Not Maurice.”
P O’NEILL (70) DERRYTRESK
“I blame Datsun Donaghy and that Cavanagh song. I had binoculars with me and swear I saw Sean humming that buckin song. It went til his head. Them binoculars are some job. Makes the TV seem really close.”
PADDY DONNELLY (38) DONAGHMORE
“That Greencastle girl who drove up Croagh Patrick scudded us.”
DANNY DEVLIN (36) GREENCASTLE
“Gingerism. Them Mayo ones are well known for their ginger discrimination. They targeted Peter Harte straight away. The poor wee ginger genius didn’t stand a chance. I saw them giving him dirty looks during the parade.”
RON MCGINN (51) DRUMQUIN