No cream buns in England

Fears for the sanity of Tyrone’s only treasure, Hugo Duncan, as well as that of all the other celebrities too, have been expressed across the county this morning as bookies stop taking bets that Duncan will appear in the upcoming Celebrity Big Brother programme.

Masses were dedicated to the Wee Man From Strabane in Omagh, Cookstown and Brocagh this morning to give him the strength to survive three weeks in a house with transvestites, rappers, Americans, glamorous women and drug-fuelled has-beens.

Radio Ulster studio producer and close friend Harry Hagan is fearful that the experience could break the county singing legend:

“We joke about his diet and all but people need to realise he really is addicted to cream buns and cakes. Breakfast, lunch and dinner – you’ll see Hugo with cream all over his chin. There’s no way the Big Brother crowd will provide him with buns. It’ll be the opposite – they spot a weakness and aggravate it, hoping he’ll blow a fuse. And he will. He has a fierce temper and will slap all around him if he doesn’t get a bun. Even Frank Bruno would find him formidable.”

Hagan also highlighted the effect he might have on the other contestants:

“Again, it’s a running joke but he does do the whole ‘diddily diddily dee, skiddily I de di’ all the time. It’ll drive them other ones mad and they’re probably in a vulnerable state to begin with. Even in his sleep he’s skiddly-aye-dee-diddle-deddle-dumming away like a lunatic. It could cut up rough. And he eats with his mouth open. Please vote him out as soon as you can.“

40 foot screens have been erected in Strabane and Dungannon for people to follow Hugo’s progress in case he does appear in the show. Authorities have also warned fans of the singer that the Big Brother house can do strange things to you and not to be surprised if he starts cross-dressing or changes his accent.