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Tyrone Wedding Singer Narrowly Fails To Sabotage Clooney Marriage Ceremony

Clooney winces at song choice

Clooney winces at song choice

A local wedding singer, who was chosen to perform at George Clooney’s wedding to Amal Alamuddin in Venice, has been roundly criticised by guests for trying to create a bit of tension between the pair.

Susan McCray, a singer and harp player from Dungannon, was Clooney’s musician of choice after he saw her on the side of the road in Boston trying to busk her fare back to Ireland in 2011. Onlookers looked decidedly uncomfortable after McCray began with an off-the-cuff number when Alamuddin sauntered up the aisle. Celebrity guest Mary Carey told us:

“Yes, it was a bit awkward. Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division is a fine song but not really a mood setter at that point in the ceremony. I’m told that it was meant to be You Are So Beautiful by Joe Cocker so there’s a bit of a difference there. This woman is trouble.”

McCray upped the stakes during a lull in proceedings by belting out a stirring rendition of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette which apparently drew applause from three other women in the congregation. Fearing a revolution amongst his guests, Clooney told his singer to just play an instrumental piece as the ceremony ended. One source informed us:

“It started as a religious sort of song then she burst into Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now by The Smiths  whilst drinking from a small bottle of buckfast. The lyrics “I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows I’m mierable now” never felt as poignant. It was rather emotional.”

McCray was later arrested by Italian police for urinating on a plant outside the church.

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Thousands Of Tyrone Women ‘Crosser Than Normal’ In Run Up To Clooney Wedding

Clooney - rejecting the women of Tyrone

Clooney – rejecting the women of Tyrone

The NI Anger Hotline have confirmed they received 492 calls from chastised husbands since Sunday after George Clooney confirmed he is to marry in Venice in a couple of weeks.

The 53-year old actor, who rivals Pope Francis, JFK and Paddy Heaney for room space on the mantelpieces in living rooms, was still considered an eligible bachelor by the majority of hopeful women in the county.

Tom Quinn, a Derrylaughan window fitter, fumed:

“Herself has been a bear since Clooney announced his intention to marry a girl in a fortnight. She’s snapping at everything and giving me dog’s abuse for even breathing. It’s a bit humiliating like. We’ve been married 14 years and she still thought she’d win him over by taking him to Derrylaughan for a feed and a few pints.”

Clooney, who once described Plumbridge as comparable to ‘roasting delicious white marshmallows‘, has been asked to reconsider his proposal by a couple of sisters in Clady:

“George’s head is cut. He’s marrying some oul blade who’s probably after his dough. What’s wrong with Clady women? Too good for them, Clooney? If he goes ahead with this then he’s just another selfish man and I’m destroying all my copies of ER and the Oceans films.”

PSNI have urged a bus load of Dungannon women not to travel to Venice to protest outside the ceremony. The 22-strong crowd have already booked a Chambers bus and plan to set out tomorrow with placards reading ‘Clooney, You’re Acting The Dick This Time’, ‘Don’t Do It George’ and ‘No Fracking Here’.

Experts Predict More Bridges Than People In Omagh By 2020

 

Omagh's oldest bridge, erected in 1988

Omagh’s oldest bridge, erected in 1988

Following the controversial erection of another bridge in Omagh today, engineering experts have predicted that by 2020 there will be more bridges in the greater Omagh area than people, earning the nickname ‘Little Venice’.

The new bridge, which will not be called the Joe McMahon Bridge despite persistent rumours, is just part of a £4.3m project to make the place look a bit better and it is hoped that Catholics and Protestants will both use the bridge to share stories about what they eat and drink and stuff like that.

Reaction to the bridge has been mixed this morning. Angler Sean Devine told us:

“Like everyone else, I like nothing more than a good bridge but I’d be a bit worried about what these experts are saying. If there are going to be more bridges than people in Omagh it’s going to take the novelty away a bit. Then there’ll be rakes of men with poles on gondolas and trolls and all the side effects of having 20’000 bridges in the town.”

Lisa Foster (24) added:

“I’ve nothing against meeting Catholics on bridges and already this morning I’ve spoken to about five and shared spices and toiletries but the seasickness is killing us. Everywhere you step in Omagh you’re on a bridge looking down on water and the place is covered in vomit now from the queasiness. Anyway, 58% of the bridges have been named after Catholics and that’s not a good example of a shared future, is it?”

Meanwhile authorities have promised that Little Venice’s next bridge which is due to be erected in September will be named after a Protestant, probably someone who player for Glasgow Rangers in the 80s.

paul g moss

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