Brandon Lewis’ appointment today, who replaced Julian Smith as the NI Secretary of State, has caused much consternation in Tyrone as he clearly has a distinct Derry head on him.
In recent years, there has been a feeling in the county that Derry have been given money more readily towards infrastructure and schools and this will only increase suspicions of bias especially as the new man has a Derry head on him.
Margaret Dinny, a politics teacher from Omagh, confirmed our worst fears:
“He definitely has an oul thick Derry head on him. Those puffed red cheeks and attempt at a spiked haircut despite his advancing years is a classic south Derry look. And he’s always smirking. Bet the wee balax has a notion of his cousins too. We could be in for a tough time again in Tyrone. “
There has already been confirmation that one of Lewis’ first visits will be to Ballinderry to confirm that most of it is actually in Derry which is geographically incorrect.
There are also rumours that he may move the foot of the Sperrins out of Tyrone completely by doing some serious fracking around Greencastle in order to move the mountain range by force.
The NI Anger Hotline have confirmed they received 492 calls from chastised husbands since Sunday after George Clooney confirmed he is to marry in Venice in a couple of weeks.
The 53-year old actor, who rivals Pope Francis, JFK and Paddy Heaney for room space on the mantelpieces in living rooms, was still considered an eligible bachelor by the majority of hopeful women in the county.
Tom Quinn, a Derrylaughan window fitter, fumed:
“Herself has been a bear since Clooney announced his intention to marry a girl in a fortnight. She’s snapping at everything and giving me dog’s abuse for even breathing. It’s a bit humiliating like. We’ve been married 14 years and she still thought she’d win him over by taking him to Derrylaughan for a feed and a few pints.”
Clooney, who once described Plumbridge as comparable to ‘roasting delicious white marshmallows‘, has been asked to reconsider his proposal by a couple of sisters in Clady:
“George’s head is cut. He’s marrying some oul blade who’s probably after his dough. What’s wrong with Clady women? Too good for them, Clooney? If he goes ahead with this then he’s just another selfish man and I’m destroying all my copies of ER and the Oceans films.”
PSNI have urged a bus load of Dungannon women not to travel to Venice to protest outside the ceremony. The 22-strong crowd have already booked a Chambers bus and plan to set out tomorrow with placards reading ‘Clooney, You’re Acting The Dick This Time’, ‘Don’t Do It George’ and ‘No Fracking Here’.
An Urney man, who claims he’s the last living descendant of Saint Patrick, maintains the national saint wasn’t all that fussed on alcohol and was also an opponent of fracking but liked stupid knock knock jokes.
Dessie Jones, who claims a direct lineage from St Patrick and walks around Urney wearing green cloaks, mitre and a staff, reckons his ancestor wouldn’t be all that bothered on the whole celebrations malarky but loved the sort of music More Power To Your Elbow play:
“Aye, stories have been passed down about our Paddy. He was some character by all accounts but a bit ruthless with animals he didn’t like. The snakes didn’t stand a chance as soon as one of them ate a hole in his favourite tunic. Also, one sip of the hard stuff and he was under the table. I couldn’t see him wetting the day with a few black ones but loved the fiddledy dee music and shouted ‘yeoooo’ a lot.”
Dessie was quick to point out that Patrick wasn’t a party pooper:
“No, quite the opposite I’m led to believe. My father said he was supposedly a deadly man for tripping people by sticking a foot out from under a hedge. And he was a sucker for the knock knock jokes. His favourite was the atheist one: ‘Knock Knock‘. ‘Who’s there?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Must have been the wind‘. As I said he was some joker, our Paddy.”
Jones reminded people that Patrick had strong views on fracking and wouldn’t be surprised if he made it rain for 200 days on Fermanagh if it goes ahead.
“Two things our Paddy hated. Fracking and people eating with their mouths open. I’m also told he had a brilliant throw and could hurl rocks at police accurately from 100 yards away.”
Urney have confirmed they will honour St Patrick with a whiskey tasting session after Mass.