An Urney man, who claims he’s the last living descendant of Saint Patrick, maintains the national saint wasn’t all that fussed on alcohol and was also an opponent of fracking but liked stupid knock knock jokes.

Dessie Jones, who claims a direct lineage from St Patrick and walks around Urney wearing green cloaks, mitre and a staff, reckons his ancestor wouldn’t be all that bothered on the whole celebrations malarky but loved the sort of music More Power To Your Elbow play:

“Aye, stories have been passed down about our Paddy. He was some character by all accounts but a bit ruthless with animals he didn’t like. The snakes didn’t stand a chance as soon as one of them ate a hole in his favourite tunic. Also, one sip of the hard stuff and he was under the table. I couldn’t see him wetting the day with a few black ones but loved the fiddledy dee music and shouted ‘yeoooo’ a lot.”

Dessie was quick to point out that Patrick wasn’t a party pooper:

“No, quite the opposite I’m led to believe. My father said he was supposedly a deadly man for tripping people by sticking a foot out from under a hedge. And he was a sucker for the knock knock jokes. His favourite was the atheist one: ‘Knock Knock‘. ‘Who’s there?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Must have been the wind‘. As I said he was some joker, our Paddy.”

Jones reminded people that Patrick had strong views on fracking and wouldn’t be surprised if he made it rain for 200 days on Fermanagh if it goes ahead.

“Two things our Paddy hated. Fracking and people eating with their mouths open. I’m also told he had a brilliant throw and could hurl rocks at police accurately from 100 yards away.”

Urney have confirmed they will honour St Patrick with a whiskey tasting session after Mass.