A 47 year old chimney cleaner from Aghyaran says he’s preparing for ‘the guts of a month’ of silent treatment after forgetting his 20th wedding anniversary.
Patsy Devine, who claims to have forgotten the date only ‘5 or 6 times’ before this one, and Mary McLoughlin were married on the 23rd July 1993 at a fairytale ceremony in the village that had balloons and all. Mary maintains this might be the final straw:
“He’s one gope. He said to me in the morning if I needed anything from the shop. I was sure he was getting some kind of memento for the occasion. He came back with some wheaten bread, cat food and the Irish News. I let it go in case it was some big plan to wind me up. He then got up during breakfast and said he had to get something from the car. I was convinced this was the big moment. He came back in with toilet roll and proceeded to sit on the toilet for 45 minutes. Things only got worse from then on in.”
The penny dropped with Patsy after Mary spilled his spaghetti bolognese over his lap.
“I knew this wasn’t an accident. I was wrecking my head and it finally dawned on me when I was talking to my Derry neighbour. I remembered they won the All Ireland a couple of months after we got married. I rushed out and bought the last bunch of flowers at the garage but they were a bit measly looking and stank of diesel. The woman says they’d been there since Mother’s Day. Well, when I handed them to Mary she just looked at them and set them alight. The diesel was fairly potent.”
Devine has enrolled in a body language course in Clady to see if he can read signals until she starts talking again. With the 20th anniversary traditionally celebrated with porcelain, Devine is considering getting Mary porcelain veneers for her ‘unsightly gnashers’.
A devious Dromore daddy, who conned his children into thinking he was their mother this morning whilst the mother herself was out tending to the cattle, was this afternoon hanging his head in shame around the back of the house. Barney McCarron, who recently celebrated his birthday as well, put on his wife’s nightgown and hair rollers whilst she toiled outside doing the early shift dunging out the yard from 5am. The eldest child, Cathair (9), was the first to fall for it:
“Jaysus he’s some bollocks. I saw the hair rollers above the duvet just and didn’t want to wake ‘mummy’ on her special day so I just left the Ferrero Rocher and scratch cards beside the bed. About twenty minutes later I brought my younger sister in who had prepared her a breakfast and ‘she’ was still asleep but I saw that the chocolates had been eaten and the cards scratched. We left the breakfast beside her again and left.”
The scam was uncovered when the actual mother, Kitty McCarron, returned to the house in clabber to the throat. Having established what had just happened, all three pounded up the stairs and caught Barney finishing off the black pudding, still with the rollers in.
“Well, you could have heard the slap in Tattyreagh. My mother kicked the dung clean out of him for the guts of an hour, calling him things I’d never even heard before. He’s out the back at the minute sulking with her nightie still on. I can’t see things thawing in this house until he does something big to compensate. He tried to compliment her on how tidy the yard looked but that just made it worse. She was a fearsome sight with the eyes bulging and her covered in manure from top to toe. Some handlin.”
Neighbours have rallied around and brought Kitty some buns whilst shouting obscenities at Barney on the way out.