Coalisland Bank To Close Allegedly Because Of Locals Being ‘Too Tight’ To Deposit

Typical Coalisland bedroom

Typical Coalisland bedroom

First Trust Bank, who are planning to leave Coalisland before Christmas, may be upping sticks because of the local community being ‘too miserable to part with their cash, even with interest, according to the man who mops the floor in the building.

The bank, who have operated in the town since 1897, have yet to comment on their decision despite criticisms from all political parties and the video shop owner. Although workers in the bank will be allocated other jobs within the First Trust firm across Ulster such as chimney sweeping and burglar watching, the man who mops the floor maintains they are angry at their family and friends who continued to keep their work pay and dole money under their mattresses.

The mopper, known locally as Black John, added:

“I’ve heard them manys a time giving off about families in the town who have never set foot in the bank, choosing instead to hide money under floorboards and inside cavity walls. It seems people here are too miserable to see other people handle their money. Last week we had six people come in, and four of them just popped in to see how much interest their First Communion money had accumulated since the 1950s. It wasn’t a sustainable bank around here.”

Sinn Fein councillor Jack McCabe admitted he was a bit sad to see the bank go:

“Yes, I’m a bit nostalgic about the bank. Over the years I’ve probably deposited 75 million at different stages. They were very good to me when I put in 24 million in one week in December 2004 and asked no questions. They were the best northern bank for me, if you catch my drift *cough cough*.”

When the bank leaves, its 54 loyal customers will keep their money behind Landi’s chip shop counter.

The bank will be sold off and replaced with another off-licence.

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About Gombeen

Trying hard to make it up.

Posted on September 12, 2014, in Coalisland and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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