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Stiff Dog Litter Fines In Brackaville Sees Rise In Canine Nappies

An early model

An early model

Draconian measures by the Department of Environment on the long-running problem of dog-littering in Brackaville has resulted in a lucrative dog-nappy business in Coalisland publishing record profits for the third month running.

The DoE announced last month that any dog caught fouling in the Brackaville area will result in a £5000 fine for its owner after thousands of complaints by non-dog owners were made in 2014 over the amount of dog excrement on the roads and pavements. Coalisland residents were having to take the long way around in their motors to get to Newmills as cars were being destroyed by the fresh litter from dogs as big as ‘Russian Alsations on steroids’ according to Coalisland joiner Patsy Hamill:

“Something had to be done like. Them Brackavillians seem to have a blind spot for what their pets do in public. I know they love their dogs up there but sure I love my children but I don’t let them dung all over the town.”

Local businessman Jody McNeill claims he is not cashing in on Brackaville’s misfortune but is in fact providing a much-needed service in the same way a doctor does, with his dog-nappy venture ‘Dog Done Dung?‘.

Dog Done Dung? has saved Brackavillians thousands of pounds in fines. And we’re keeping with the times as our new range of nappies instantly tweets ‘I done dung’ on its personal Twitter account for that dog. And we’ve all shaped and sizes and even seductive ones for dogs on heat.”

McNeill confirmed dog-nappies retail from £9.99 for small dogs to £29.99 for Wolfhounds.

Omagh’s ‘Shawshank Husband’ Dug Tunnel From Bedroom To Pub Over 15 Years

Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement

Kerr re-enacts tunnel movement

An Omagh plumber tunnelled a hole from under his bed to the local pub 800 feet from his house over the course of 15 years, a court heard today.

Patsy Kerr had been summonsed to Omagh County Court after it emerged he had been the cause of a collapsed sewage pipe from a neighbouring house. Kerr told the court about his secret tunnel and the reasons behind it:

“The wife has a bad snore on her and after watching the Shawshank Redemption on RTE one night in 1994, I decided to do something about it so I waited til she was in a deep sleep and then set about digging a hole under the bed in the direction of the pub. I used all manner of tools from spoons to a heavy duty tunnel boring machine I managed to sneak down there when she was at the shops. It wasn’t until 2009 that I hit the jackpot and came up through the women’s toilet mop and bucket room.”

Kerr explained how he spent the last five years heading to the pub via his tunnel at 11pm before returning at 1am, undetected by his deep sleeping wife:

“To be honest I was sort of glad I was caught. She was always smelling drink off me in the morning and I was explaining it away as a natural odour. But recently I was finding myself singing rebel songs and stuff coming back up the tunnel and it was only a matter of time before I was caught anyhow. The landlord was also wondering how I was just appearing out of nowhere at the same time every night and disappearing from the women’s toilets.”

The tunnel was finally discovered after the DOE performed a survey on a sewage problem which turned out to be caused by a pipe Kerr had hit accidentally, causing sewage to leak into his tunnel over five years. The judge questioned Kerr’s wife as to why she never smelt the sewage odours from her husband. Mrs Kerr simply shrugged.

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