A Dungannon sandwich bar has threatened to close up and move somewhere else, blaming locals for being ‘deadly whingers’ after they received 413 complaints in a week for not having any bread.
Customers were seen leaving Campbell’s Sandwich Bar shaking their heads and holding their tuna fillings or egg and onion mix in a small clear plastic bag. Campbell’s told customers it would be another week before they’d get the time to buy bread from the shops and that this was the way shops served sandwiches in places like Spain and France anyway.
Local man Kieran Hughes was having none of it:
“I’ve been to Spain loads of times and I know for a fact they have bread in their sandwich. The man is lying. Whoever heard of a breadless sandwich? I order a Club Sandwich and walked out holding chicken, bacon, tomato, lettuce and mayonnaise in my hands. It was dripping all over the place and ruined my clothes. I’ll not be back!”
Shop owner James Soupy Campbell reckoned people needed to lighten up a bit and to stop being picky about everything:
“People need to lighten up a bit and stop being picky about everything.”
The news follows reports of a shop near Coalisland called JJ’s Chips which has never served a chip since it opened two months ago. Our reporter ordered a fish supper as part of an undercover operation for Tyrone Tribulations and received a battered fish with one slice of unbuttered white bread and a sachet of salt from KFC.
On further inspection it turned out the fish had no batter on it but had clearly been beaten around the shop with a hammer or something. Our reporter gave it 7/10.
Stephen Nolan has been asked to do a programme on declining food standards in Tyrone.
McDonald’s in Tattyreagh today confirmed the introduction of a new range of super-super-sized portions of some of their most popular lines specifically designed for the residents of Tyrone, after a survey showed that what people really wanted were bigger portions of cholesterol.
“Our customers in Tattyreagh simply wanted more. They kept complaining that the portions weren’t satisfying their appetites. Ordinary big plates of food weren’t hitting the mark. What they really want is feckin’ enormous piles of food. They just can’t get enough”, said 16 year old restaurant manager Sean Moore.
Saturday saw the introduction of a ‘Skip of Chips’, and a ‘Lorryload of Onion Rings’, both of which were warmly welcomed by residents.
“Mighty”, said 32-stone man Sidney Clarke, who had travelled from Cabragh to be one of the first to order the new ‘Trough of Baked Beans’. “If you ask thon boys to Sumo-Size your order they’ll do it”, said Clarke through a mouthful of Quadruple Cheeseburger and Diet Coke. “You can almost feel your arteries hardening with every bite. You simply can’t go wrong”.
Other diners at the popular fast food restaurant enjoyed a ‘Bathful of Pop Tarts’ whilst children were invited to try the new ‘Gallon of Milkshake’, a mouth-watering bucket of strawberry-flavoured cola milkshake.
“I’m lovin’ it!” joked mother-of-three Nuala Morgan from Eskra, “And so are the kids. We brought them here last night and we didn’t hear a word from them for the whole meal. In fact, they were quiet for the entire night. And most of today come to think of it. Still, it only cost £2.20 to feed the four of us, so I’m not complaining”.
Later this month Tattyreagh regulars can look forward to ordering a ‘Ditch of Coleslaw’. All of the items in the new range cost 39p.
Last night it emerged that the world’s wisest man is currently living in Brackaville and has lived there all his life. This startling claim was backed up by his wife who says he probably knows everything about everything. Bus shelter painter Leo O’Hanlon (66) maintains he can solve every problem on the planet and beyond, from global warming to not losing odd socks. Leo makes most of his proclamations from a bar stool in any of Coalisland’s famed watering holes.
“Aye he’s some pup,” claimed borderline alcoholic Jemmy Kettle. “Just last night he solved world hunger. Leo says if you plant more oranges, peas, spuds and stuff like that inside greenhouses in Africa then the searing Sahara heat will not affect them. The man’s a genius. On Friday he told us how to beat Kildare. It was simple really but brilliant thinking. He said if you take your points the goals will come. Lo and behold, that’s what happened. This stuff must be filtering back to Mickey”.
O’Hanlon also claims to have solved the recession. He suggests that the bankers do about 140 or 15o charity walks each and the money raised pays off the national debt. His sister, Jackie, added:
“This man’s vast intellect knows no bounds. I remember when he was about 20 or 22 and he was able to answer about maybe a dozen puzzles on Catchphrase on the TV, sometimes even before the contestants did. We used to just stare at him in awe. You could nearly see his brain moving. When he was in P6 at the Primate Dixon the teacher said he was “hateful but potentially bright” in the school report. We knew we had a star on our hands, right here in Brackaville too.”
O’Hanlon was too inebriated last night to comment but even in that state he was able to offer brilliant advice to the girl in Landi’s about how to sprinkle the chips with just the right amount of salt using an unusual wrist action, before being barred for lewd remarks.