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St Brigid Was Very Cross Says Omagh Historian
Artist’s impression of Brigid
As thousands of St Brigid’s Crosses were being made in schools and homes across the country today, an esteemed Omagh historian has confirmed that Brigid was indeed extremely cross and maybe persistently grumpy all the time, even moreso than your average woman in Tyrone today.
Reportedly born in Louth around 453, a young Brigid was said to be a cryey baby due to never-ending teething problems which, locals maintained, never really went away throughout her later life. Omagh historian Luke Graham added:
“I’ve spoken to a few people whose ancestors remembered Brigid and they confirmed that she was fairly crabbed most of the time due to teeth problems amongst other things. She also turned water into beer for visiting clergy and maybe suffered from hangover symptoms. But she was definitely very cross, with warnings often given out to worshippers that ‘Brigid’s cross today’ before she performed a mass.”
Brigid’s mood worsened after being sent to Kildare to start up a convent, a place she reportedly called ‘the arsehole of nowhere’, despite hinting that she’d prefer the bright lights of Dublin or Belfast. Rumours also persist today that she wasn’t hopeful of Kildare competing for the Sam Maguire in the near future, even though GAA was still 1800 years away from forming.
Graham this morning revealed a startling and little-known fact about the great saint:
“Brigid used to make these boomerang things out of rushes and fire them at her pupils if they misbehaved. They’d take the eye out of your head. Pure lethal. When the rumour went around that ‘Brigid’s cross today’, you were sure to see the woman herself arrive with a creelful of rushes under her arm, gurning.”
Brigid once visited Dungannon but didn’t like it.
Brolly Plans To Insult Whole Of Tyrone As His Bookings For Chat Show Appearances In County Increases
After a 3-day seminar in Kildare, psychologists have failed to explain a new phenomenon whereby the more Joe Brolly abuses and insults Tyrone GAA and its popular sporting figures, the more invites he receives from clubs within the county to appear at chat show evenings.
Financial experts maintain that for every anti-Tyrone outburst by the Dungiven barrister, his bank balance is boosted by over £10’000 by cash-laden clubs hoping to parade the 1993 All-Ireland winner on podiums alongside other lesser-light pundits such as Paddy Heaney and Adrian Logan, prior to big games.
Professor of Relationships at Trinity College, Dr Jack Rooster, explained:
“We just cannot explain the crazy mindset in Tyrone. It appears that the more Brolly angers them, the more money they’ll throw at him, with 1000s of women also hoping to get a photo taken with him. We reckon that his decision to tell Mickey Harte to eff off as well as to receive the sack within the last 7 days will earn him over £40’000 before the year is out – all paid out by confused club chairmen across the county. It’s a more perverse form of Stockholm Syndrome.”
Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.
Insiders have revealed that Brolly hopes to increase his Tyrone-insult rates to 4-a-week, with local women and animals due a hit before the summer starts – earning him a potentially cool £1m in the process.
An anonymous chairman informed us:
“I know we shouldn’t be giving this wee bollocks the time of day – he has ridiculed everything we’ve ever achieved as a county. But I’ve booked him in for a chat evening around August time. I can’t explain why. I’m afraid to explore these feelings.”
Scientists will re-convene tomorrow to debate the Tyrone/Brolly psychology and intend on giving it a name by the end of the week.
World’s Wisest Man Found In Brackaville
O’Hanlon, this morning
Last night it emerged that the world’s wisest man is currently living in Brackaville and has lived there all his life. This startling claim was backed up by his wife who says he probably knows everything about everything. Bus shelter painter Leo O’Hanlon (66) maintains he can solve every problem on the planet and beyond, from global warming to not losing odd socks. Leo makes most of his proclamations from a bar stool in any of Coalisland’s famed watering holes.
“Aye he’s some pup,” claimed borderline alcoholic Jemmy Kettle. “Just last night he solved world hunger. Leo says if you plant more oranges, peas, spuds and stuff like that inside greenhouses in Africa then the searing Sahara heat will not affect them. The man’s a genius. On Friday he told us how to beat Kildare. It was simple really but brilliant thinking. He said if you take your points the goals will come. Lo and behold, that’s what happened. This stuff must be filtering back to Mickey”.
O’Hanlon also claims to have solved the recession. He suggests that the bankers do about 140 or 15o charity walks each and the money raised pays off the national debt. His sister, Jackie, added:
“This man’s vast intellect knows no bounds. I remember when he was about 20 or 22 and he was able to answer about maybe a dozen puzzles on Catchphrase on the TV, sometimes even before the contestants did. We used to just stare at him in awe. You could nearly see his brain moving. When he was in P6 at the Primate Dixon the teacher said he was “hateful but potentially bright” in the school report. We knew we had a star on our hands, right here in Brackaville too.”
O’Hanlon was too inebriated last night to comment but even in that state he was able to offer brilliant advice to the girl in Landi’s about how to sprinkle the chips with just the right amount of salt using an unusual wrist action, before being barred for lewd remarks.
Crucial Talks Between Springsteen And Harte Remain Deadlocked
In an unprecedented move, US ambassador for Ireland Hank Power has arrived in Clones to broker a peace deal between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Harte who have been at loggerheads for 24 hours over the timing of Saturday’s concert and Tyrone/Kildare game. Delegations for both parties arrived in Clones on Tuesday morning to thrash out a deal that hoped to see Springsteen delay the start of his concert til about 11pm to cater for the returning Tyrone fans from Newbridge.
After three hours of stalemate, Harte and Springsteen arrived to slug it out head to head with both in bad twist about being woken up. It is understood that Harte promised to win or lose the game in normal time so that there’d be no extra time and all fans and players would be at the King’s Hall by 11 if he delayed it to then. An eye witness told us that Springsteen lost the head:
“Bruce lost the bap completely like. The veins were showing in his neck and he was saying things like ‘You think you’re the boss. I’m the boss goddamit’. Harte was giving it out well. He was shouting ‘Born In The USA? I was born in Glencull and don’t you forget it.’ I thought the boxing was about to start.”
Springsteen attempted a compromise by suggesting he put a big screen up showing the game so that Tyrone supporters could enjoy both at the same time. He said he’d even sing Old Ardboe or the Hills Above Drumquin. Harte rejected the offer, stating that it would affect the players knowing their family and friends were at the concert. Things turned nasty with Springsteen saying the “Glory Days” were well and truly over for Tyrone and that Mugsy should be in the squad. Harte told Bruce he could ‘sing none’ and that in terms of another All-Ireland he was still very much a ‘hungry Harte’.
Talks continue.
Tyrone Tribulations 