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CE Of Mid Ulster Council, Anthony Tohill, To Obliterate Tyrone. ‘Worse Than Cromwell’.

Tohill 'has plans' for Tyrone

Tohill ‘has plans’ for Tyrone

The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.

Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.

“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”

Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.

“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”

Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.

Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.

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County’s Youth To Turn Wrath Towards Bieber, Banks, Bono, Piers Morgan And Derry After Thatcher/Paisley Era

Outsider Bono

Outsider Bono at 14-1

A county referendum has been called for late 2014 after youths admitted to feeling a bit lost and confused since yesterday’s news that the Reverend Ian Paisley had passed on to his eternal reward.

With Thatcher, Paisley and Rangers FC out of the picture, many young nationalists are now turning their attention to international celebrities for an outlet to vent anger and rage, much to the disappointment of the older generation who claim there is still plenty of home talent to target. Chairperson of the Tyrone Youth Committee Malachy Bradley announced there will be a county-wide vote before Christmas to decide who will take on the role of hate figure for today’s teenagers:

“Yes, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to see our young ones walking about without a care in the world. They’re just graffiting their own names and stuff. We need to decide quickly on the next hate figure before we’ve lost them completely to apathy.”

A straw poll this morning in Cookstown saw a number of names emerge from the international celebrity circuit including Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan with only a few identifying Pat Kenny and Mrs Brown as possible targets. Bradley maintains it doesn’t have to be a case of looking beyond our own shores:

“County Derry is always there. Back in the 50s we used to write all kinds of stuff on walls about Draperstown and Ballinderry people. Then there’s always the safe option of Brolly or Spillane. We need to think carefully about this. The banks are too obvious and a poor price anyway at 5-1 each way.”

Other high profile candidates include Willie Frazer, the midges around Lough Neagh, Louis Walsh, traffic wardens and Ryanair who are 3-1f in Toals Bookmakers.

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