A domestic argument over the length of time spent in the shower has broken Augher’s peaceful aura and threatened to destroy the perception of the village as an ideal holiday destination for people from America and France. Henry and Gretta McMeel had always been considered the pin-up couple for the Augher Tourism Board with their strikingly good looks, lovingly approach to each other and their harmonious effect on the area. All that changed last night when a passer-by, Barney McKenna, overheard a heated exchange emitting from one of their back rooms.
“I was just dandering home from looking at the sheep up the road when I thought I heard raised voices coming from McMeel’s roadside dwelling. Hoping to get a bit of juicy information, I pinned my ear to the window of the back room as the curtains were pulled. I heard Henry saying ‘you’re always fcuking keeping me back washing your oul fcuking hair. How come it takes me five minutes and that includes a fcuking shave. Thirty-five buckin minutes I’ve been sitting here watching this XFactor shite. I could’ve had four pints in me by now for fcuk sake.’ Well, to be honest I almost collapsed from the shock of it. We’ve always looked up to the McMeels. I’ve never heard anyone curse in Augher before. What else does that monster do behind closed doors.”
McKenna continued to divulge information on the exchange and said it wasn’t all one-way traffic, or words to that effect.
“It wasn’t all one way traffic. Yer woman was further away from the window so I only caught bits. I heard her say ‘hairy-arsed bastard’, ‘spend more time in the shower ye smelly hoor’ and ‘alcoholic bollocks’. I can tell you, I don’t know if I can look at the McMeels in the eye again. I told the parish priest and he went into some form of convulsion. This mustn’t get out.”
The Augher Tourism Board has barred all talk of the incident and has warned McKenna that any further gossiping about it will be fatally dealt with.
Tens of thousands of men and the odd woman flocked to Newtownstewart yesterday after news spread of visions at a house on the Moyle Road. Former Newtownstewart lingerie model Yvonne Kelly thought it was just another normal morning. She got up and fed the ass which they keep in the utility room over night and headed up to shower for the day ahead. Little did she know her life was about to change.
“I was showering away and giving myself a good scrubbing as we were dunging out Uncle Hugh’s bedroom yesterday. I slipped into a daydream, staring at the shower glass door. It was then that the visions started. I squinted at a water droplet and I could have sworn it looked like the Queen of England’s head that’s on a stamp. Then I saw a dolphin in another. Over the next twenty minutes I saw Louis Walsh, Mother Teresa, Bill Clinton, Elvis, Dana, Birdie Sweeney, Brian Dooher and one of my neighbours. I called my husband in and he just stared at me in the shower, saying nothing. I think he was stunned.”
Word soon got out and people as far away as Ardstraw descended on Kelly’s house to see the visions from themselves. Unfortunately the shower door had dried up but a few lads from Gortin worked out that Yvonne had to be in the shower, washing away, for it to work. As soon as she stripped off, the visions in the water droplets began again with many in the room claiming they were seeing wondrous things like badgers, cats, melons, Brian Cowan, Bruce Forsythe and Massey Fergusons.
“Jaysus I’ll not forget that day”, said 19-year old Gary Turbett, “The things I saw will live with me forever. All my mates managed to get a look too. It was magnificent. There were plenty of cameras going so at least the visions will last a lifetime.”
Yvonne’s husband, Larry, called proceedings to a halt when he came home from work, chasing the male-dominated congregation away from the bathroom and toweling down his now chronically wrinkled wife. Despite pleas to extend the visions for another day and to set up a shrine of sorts, Larry Kelly issued a statement to the Tyrone Tribulations saying there’d be no more visions and sure there was nothing holy about them anyway.
Dromore butcher, Seamus Hassett, was said to be ‘inconsolable’ after a quick shower this morning unearthed a cut on his shin. The normally mild-mannered meat merchant was blubbering wildly as family and friends rallied around his house in a show of support.
“I hadn’t taken a shower since last Monday and didn’t think much more of it. As I was soaping away I saw a small cut on my leg, about the width of my small fingernail. I have no recollection of how it got there. You’d think you’d remember something like that.”
Hassett gathered his family downstairs and, dressed in only a Transformers towel, questioned them on the cut to see if they could remember anything.
“All I saw were blank faces. Not a dicky. Then my youngest son got his iPhone out and typed in memory loss into the Internet. What he said next has haunted me for the rest of my life, well, since this morning. He mentioned things like Alzheimers, dementia, severe cognitive impairment, aging, depression and death. I just cannot believe it. There was one time, in 1988, when I went out into the shed and forgot why I had headed out there in the first place, for about twenty seconds. I then remembered it was to get a hatchet. I thought that was a one-off but obviously it was a very early warning sign.”
One comfort for Seamus has been the speed of well wishers to the house this morning. A distant cousin, Johnny McMenamin, was the first to arrive at the family home on the Tattysallagh Road.
“To be honest it’s a bit of excitement. Not since the town was burnt to the ground in 1798 has there been this much talk in Dromore. I’m devastated at the news. Jaysus. It could happen to anyone of us at any time and if the Internet says he’s more or less a goner then so be it. My condolences to his family and I can reassure Seamus that we’ll look after his wonderful and beautiful wife as well as the children.”
A collection will be made at the county final involving Dromore and Errigal Ciaran to raise money for whatever Seamus has and if he still has it.