Tensions between comedy duo Conor Grimes and Alan McKee are said to be simmering after the pair again failed to come to an agreement over who will play who in the 2-character film based on the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky relationship of the 1990s, called ‘Holy Smokes, Bill!’.
McKee, who maintains Grimes looks most like the White House intern Lewinsky due to his shapely physique, is adamant that the £33m film will not go ahead if he doesn’t play the former US president:
“I don’t care about the money. Coming from Coleraine, me playing an esteemed world figure is more credible than someone from the backwoods of Tyrone. Also, I’m a dab hand at handling cigars, unlike my clean-living friend from Donaghmore.”
However Grimes, who has reportedly spent the £1m advance on a spoiler for his Vectra as well as generous donations to his local Church and a slap-up meal in the Cohannon Inn, remains steadfast in his refusal to take one for the team and play 42-year old Californian:
“McKee is being a dick about this. I’ve seen him in a blue dress and he looks the part. He’s claiming the beard is a stumbling block but sure maybe it could be a metaphor or something. To paraphrase the great man himself, ‘I will have sexual relations with that woman!’.”
The pair, who are currently performing in The History of the Peace…Accordin’ to my Ma!, have been given another seven days to settle on their roles before the offer is withdrawn.
Meanwhile, Hollywood directors are currently looking producing a film based on Owen Mulligan’s life so far with auditions beginning on Monday. Mulligan himself was refused a run-out to play himself after a high profile incident in Las Vegas this week involving a slot machine, a goat and a bit of blue piping.
Following Conor McGregor’s 13-second demolition of Jose Aldo for the UFC Featherweight title in Las Vegas, a Pomeroy-born trainer from McGregor’s back-room entourage revealed his last words to his new champion inspired the speedy knock-out.
McGregor, who is notorious for saving energy around the house, was said to be ‘infuriated’ after John Kavanagh shouted ‘you left the immersion on, Conor’ just before both fighters were called to touch gloves.
Kavanagh, the 1986 Pomeroy Sports Day Boxing Runner-Up, admitted he had the comment in mind all week:
“I’ve lived with Conor so I know how mad he gets if you leave the light on in the toilet or boil the kettle twice. I’d planned the immersion situation all week and managed to slip it in just before he was called in by the ref. He turned to me and said ‘for fcuk sake…’ before being made to listen to the ref’s instructions. I’ve no doubt he finished it early because of that.”
Ringside spectators confirmed that McGregor made hand gestures to family members in the crowd to turn off the immersion, whilst he sat on top of the ropes in victory.
An immersion heater in America can cost up to 3 dollars an hour. With McGregor over two hours from his house, by the time he got showered and put his own clothes back on, he could have been over $20 out of pocket before opening his front door.
Kavanagh admitted he already has something up his sleeve for McGregor’s next fight. A close friend of the trainer maintains he will tell Conor that someone was eating in his good front room.
Reports confirmed that the immersion wasn’t left on at all.
A young couple from Tyrone hope to make it big in the charts by launching their debut single which could also put Coalisland firmly on the pop music map.
Using a cover version of the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic ‘Islands in the Stream’ with amended lyrics, Killian Grugan and Clare Toner, both from Brackaville, will release ‘Island in the Stream’ next month, inspired by the heavy rain experienced by the town in recent weeks, when at one stage Main Street almost turned into a river.
Unemployed sandwich-filler Toner, 22, agreed to share the lyrics of the first verse, which retains the same tune as the Dolly Parton version:
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Maybe it’s the people or the pelting rain
Or our Belfast links, it’s fifteen minutes there and back
Disneyland has nothing on our Newell Stores
Tiger Woods once played at Brackaville’s golf course
And our wemin he loved, Coalisland girls are mad for craic
The chorus then goes on:
‘Island in the Stream
Of that there is no doubt
Come see our deadly Spar
Take a lovely cruise on our quare canal
And we’ve the Central Bar, ha ha
And the Yankee Star, ha ha
Other verses remain a secret but Toner revealed,
“We’ve done a whole verse on the parking facilities in the ‘Island, and we were going to do more on transport links but we couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with Ulsterbus”.
She went on to explain how the idea came about on the spur of the moment.
“One day we popped into O’Neill’s when it was bucketing down for a quick one, and we had this wile idea. Let’s put the ‘Island on the map. They were playing Dolly Parton in the background and we both love Dolly so what better way to big up the ‘Island than re-writing one of her best songs? To be honest we were hammered by that time, but fair play we’ve carried it through. We’re going to be the biggest boy/girl pop group since them ones like Sonny and Cher, or Cagney and Lacey.”
Grugan, 24, a full-time ear defender, responded to questions over the accuracy of the lyrics, saying,
“Aye, well maybe a fifteen minute round trip to Belfast is stretching it a bit, but we’ve got to appeal to the tourists from Americay. That’s why we’ve mentioned the canal, see? And I’m sure I heard that Tiger Woods once played golf here. Or maybe it was Darren Clarke. Or somebody”. He went on, “There’s plenty songs that have put places on the map before. Where would London be without ‘The Streets of London’, Glasgow without ‘I belong to Glasgow’ or New York without ‘Viva Las Vegas’? Even ‘Mountains of Pomeroy’ made Pomeroy world-famous”.
Hopes are high for interviews in the London Times, Le Monde and the Coalisland Post. If the single is successful, the duo intend to record another re-written Dolly Parton classic entitled ‘Nine To Five-miletown’.