A 49-year old Brackaville man was described as ‘cocky’ and ‘unbearable’ after his Renault Scenic repeatedly scorched through Coalisland yesterday morning after a sharp snowstorm covered the east Tyrone town, still using the snow chains he put on in December.
Teddy McGuinness, who works as a part-time traffic light inspector, is also suspected of spraying ‘who’s laughing now, yiz wankers‘ on the side wall of a prominent Coalisland pub overnight.
McGuinness’ one-time friend and fellow train enthusiast Leo Maguire admitted it’ll be hard to ignored the smug demeanour of the Brackaville man:
“To be fair to him, he’s been shipping some stick for months now over his refusal to take off the snow chains from his motor and tractor too. He even drove to Dublin at the weekend to the game on the snow chains and was getting some expletive comments from passers-by on the M1. He kept saying ‘it’s coming, yiz wankers‘ but we would just laugh him out of it, especially as it was approaching May.”
After the snow fell, McGuinness reportedly sped through the town over 20 times on Thursday morning, running errands for neighbours as well as strangers, manically driving over kerbs to avoid traffic jams due to the adverse conditions and beeping at anyone showing hesitancy. Maguire confirmed:
“He was in some form in the Central Bar last night, sitting there with a big cocky head on him, making stupid snow jokes about everything anyone said. I’m convinced it was him who wrote that stuff on the side of the pub wall too. He’s always calling people wankers.”
It was reported that McGuinness finally took off the snow chains this morning from his Renault and Massey Ferguson and has taken to applying factor 50 coconut suntan lotion in preparation for the heatwave some time in the near future, despite serious slagging from locals already.
A young couple from Tyrone hope to make it big in the charts by launching their debut single which could also put Coalisland firmly on the pop music map.
Using a cover version of the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic ‘Islands in the Stream’ with amended lyrics, Killian Grugan and Clare Toner, both from Brackaville, will release ‘Island in the Stream’ next month, inspired by the heavy rain experienced by the town in recent weeks, when at one stage Main Street almost turned into a river.
Unemployed sandwich-filler Toner, 22, agreed to share the lyrics of the first verse, which retains the same tune as the Dolly Parton version:
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Maybe it’s the people or the pelting rain
Or our Belfast links, it’s fifteen minutes there and back
Disneyland has nothing on our Newell Stores
Tiger Woods once played at Brackaville’s golf course
And our wemin he loved, Coalisland girls are mad for craic
The chorus then goes on:
‘Island in the Stream
Of that there is no doubt
Come see our deadly Spar
Take a lovely cruise on our quare canal
And we’ve the Central Bar, ha ha
And the Yankee Star, ha ha
Other verses remain a secret but Toner revealed,
“We’ve done a whole verse on the parking facilities in the ‘Island, and we were going to do more on transport links but we couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with Ulsterbus”.
She went on to explain how the idea came about on the spur of the moment.
“One day we popped into O’Neill’s when it was bucketing down for a quick one, and we had this wile idea. Let’s put the ‘Island on the map. They were playing Dolly Parton in the background and we both love Dolly so what better way to big up the ‘Island than re-writing one of her best songs? To be honest we were hammered by that time, but fair play we’ve carried it through. We’re going to be the biggest boy/girl pop group since them ones like Sonny and Cher, or Cagney and Lacey.”
Grugan, 24, a full-time ear defender, responded to questions over the accuracy of the lyrics, saying,
“Aye, well maybe a fifteen minute round trip to Belfast is stretching it a bit, but we’ve got to appeal to the tourists from Americay. That’s why we’ve mentioned the canal, see? And I’m sure I heard that Tiger Woods once played golf here. Or maybe it was Darren Clarke. Or somebody”. He went on, “There’s plenty songs that have put places on the map before. Where would London be without ‘The Streets of London’, Glasgow without ‘I belong to Glasgow’ or New York without ‘Viva Las Vegas’? Even ‘Mountains of Pomeroy’ made Pomeroy world-famous”.
Hopes are high for interviews in the London Times, Le Monde and the Coalisland Post. If the single is successful, the duo intend to record another re-written Dolly Parton classic entitled ‘Nine To Five-miletown’.