Disappointed professional animal enthusiasts from across the globe are today departing the island of Majorca after several sightings of the near extinct Great White Moose turned out to be a 45-year-old from Dungannon on his first foreign holiday since 1989.
Excitement in the island grew over the weekend as the moose was spotted in a variety of locations. Some claimed it emerged from the sea on several occasions, as well as browsing the crisps section in a local spar. Another report indicated it started to go pure red after laying out in the scorching midday heat at a poolside, sipping on bottles of Estrella.
Pierre leCont, a moose expert from outside Paris, admitted it was greatly disappointing:
“I travelled first class to get here as did over 300 other moose fanatics. The early photos did look promising but it was only when we saw it close up at a restaurant eating a pizza that we realised this wasn’t the Great White Moose at all but a man from Ireland in tight-fitting 80s shorts, bare-chested. It was a bit of a let down even though it made moose-noises when eating.”
The man/moose in question was 45-year-old Malachy Power, a boiler-servicer from Dungannon who ended up chronically burnt from head to toe by the third day and was finally admitted to the local A&E ward this morning.
“This was my first holiday since the late 80s and in fact the first time I’ve taken my top off outdoors. I knew I was white but didn’t think it was that bad. I saw a woman praying after I walked past a white wall and seemingly disappeared to onlookers. The burns are bad but I thought factor 5 would do me rightly.”
Malachy ‘Moose’ Power has since returned to his villa but has been told to wear a duffel coat for the rest of his vacation.
Shop owners have been urged to remind shoppers that their premises will be open again in a couple of days after police were called to the Spar in Brackville due to a violent brawl over the last tin of Family Circle Delux Edition biscuits.
The incident occurred hours after three brothers in Tattyreagh were cautioned for fighting over a case of Shloer in Omagh earlier in the day. Government officials have called on all retail outlets to remind shoppers that goods will be available for purchase in under 48 hours and that there was no word of an apocalypse or extreme weather conditions for the foreseeable future.
The Brackaville brawl occurred after two neighbours spotted the final tin of Family Circle sitting in the middle of an aisle with a big £4.99 sign dangling over them. Shopper Brian Carland witnessed the clash:
“It was like a scene out of a Clint Eastwood film. The two women were equ-distance from the tin and descended on their prize like rockets. Next, all you could see were hair clips and bras flying all over the shop as they tore strips off each other. The odd thing was that both trollies were full of cakes and biscuits and stuff. Them Family Circle must be good.”
Police warned both women regarding future behaviour and reminded one of the perpetrators that she’d already bought two normal boxes of Family Circle as well as a 5-pack of Ginger Nuts.
Meanwhile a family of four in Fintona are said to be distraught after only managing to secure a 20lb turkey, as their appetites are far bigger now than last year. They are willing to accept generous food parcels.
A young couple from Tyrone hope to make it big in the charts by launching their debut single which could also put Coalisland firmly on the pop music map.
Using a cover version of the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic ‘Islands in the Stream’ with amended lyrics, Killian Grugan and Clare Toner, both from Brackaville, will release ‘Island in the Stream’ next month, inspired by the heavy rain experienced by the town in recent weeks, when at one stage Main Street almost turned into a river.
Unemployed sandwich-filler Toner, 22, agreed to share the lyrics of the first verse, which retains the same tune as the Dolly Parton version:
You do something to me that I can’t explain
Maybe it’s the people or the pelting rain
Or our Belfast links, it’s fifteen minutes there and back
Disneyland has nothing on our Newell Stores
Tiger Woods once played at Brackaville’s golf course
And our wemin he loved, Coalisland girls are mad for craic
The chorus then goes on:
‘Island in the Stream
Of that there is no doubt
Come see our deadly Spar
Take a lovely cruise on our quare canal
And we’ve the Central Bar, ha ha
And the Yankee Star, ha ha
Other verses remain a secret but Toner revealed,
“We’ve done a whole verse on the parking facilities in the ‘Island, and we were going to do more on transport links but we couldn’t think of a word that rhymed with Ulsterbus”.
She went on to explain how the idea came about on the spur of the moment.
“One day we popped into O’Neill’s when it was bucketing down for a quick one, and we had this wile idea. Let’s put the ‘Island on the map. They were playing Dolly Parton in the background and we both love Dolly so what better way to big up the ‘Island than re-writing one of her best songs? To be honest we were hammered by that time, but fair play we’ve carried it through. We’re going to be the biggest boy/girl pop group since them ones like Sonny and Cher, or Cagney and Lacey.”
Grugan, 24, a full-time ear defender, responded to questions over the accuracy of the lyrics, saying,
“Aye, well maybe a fifteen minute round trip to Belfast is stretching it a bit, but we’ve got to appeal to the tourists from Americay. That’s why we’ve mentioned the canal, see? And I’m sure I heard that Tiger Woods once played golf here. Or maybe it was Darren Clarke. Or somebody”. He went on, “There’s plenty songs that have put places on the map before. Where would London be without ‘The Streets of London’, Glasgow without ‘I belong to Glasgow’ or New York without ‘Viva Las Vegas’? Even ‘Mountains of Pomeroy’ made Pomeroy world-famous”.
Hopes are high for interviews in the London Times, Le Monde and the Coalisland Post. If the single is successful, the duo intend to record another re-written Dolly Parton classic entitled ‘Nine To Five-miletown’.
The entire county was awash this morning with awe and wonderment after it emerged that a 15 year old Loughmacrory student thanked the shopkeeper after being handed a quarter pound of white bonbons, costing 89p. Rumours began to emerge late this afternoon that the boy in question, Ronan O’Brien, uttered his thanks without the shopkeeper or parent saying ‘well, what do you say?’.
Henrietta Maguire, a retired headmistress from Clogher, was first to ring our breaking news hotline. She maintains the young boy must be out of his head:
“To be honest I refuse to believe that the young lad thanked the shopkeeper of his own free will. I have been working with young people since the 1950s and the last thanks I got in 1986 when a girl said ‘thanks Miss’ after I gave her class 300 sums to do. I think she was being sarcastic. There’s no way that young Loughmacrory lad thanked them for the bonbons unless he was out of his head on something. He probably said two other words but was misquoted”.
Loughmacrory sheep-warmer Johnny Jacobs disagrees:
“I’m not overly surprised. There had been talk of this young vigilante group emerging in Loughmacrory who tidied their bedrooms and put cups and plates into the dishwasher after using them. This is the next obvious step and I’m glad they’ve gone public now. This puts Loughmacrory back on the map.”
The Tyrone Times have announced they will publish a 4-page pull-out supplement on O’Brien, who has since been labelled as ‘The Thanking Man’.
Loughmacrory Spar have also revealed they are in talks to erect a permanent ‘The Thanking Man Bonbon Stall’ in the shop in O’Brien’s memory despite him being alive and well. They have currently run out of white bonbons.
Plans are underway to build London Heathrow Airport’s controversial third runway on the site of the beleaguered Linen Green in Moygashel. Proposals for the controversial third runway at Heathrow have reached deadlock in recent years with the current government accused of kicking the issue into the long grass, whilst closer to home the upmarket Linen Green retail outlet in Moygashel, Tyrone, has been put up for sale in recent weeks after its owner was declared bankrupt.
‘Every way you look at it, this makes perfect sense,” said local entrepreneur, property owner and part-time fantasist Declan Corrigan, who is leading the initiative. “Them London planning boys need to look outside the box a bit. They want a third runway at Heathrow but there’s not enough space and the campaigners don’t like it. They should look a wee bit further afield. Like Moygashel”.
Corrigan explained the plans for the audacious proposal.
“We’ll turn some of the empty Linen Green shops into a huge petrol station for the jumbo jets to roll up to, nice and easy. And it won’t need a terminal building because there’s a big Spar Shop round the corner. It even sells hummus which would cater for the foreign types”.
Corrigan went on to outline his plans for the runway itself.
“Everyone’s into the environment these days, so we make use of what we’ve already got. Them airyplanes will taxi out down the Mullybrannon Road to the A4 and they can take off and land on the dual carriageway. To keep it safe, we’ll have a man with a flag to stop cars during take-off and landing. Once we’ve knocked out a few of the bridges that’s the job done. And if they need a long runway for Concorde and the like we’ll give them one. 40 miles of it all the way down to Belfast”.
Suggestions that the 300 miles between Moygashel and London might be further than passengers would like, Corrigan retorted,
“Jaysus, Ryanair play that game all the time and it doesn’t stop them. And anyway, if for some mad reason they’re desperate to get to London, we’ll bus them down to Belfast City Airport and they can catch a plane from there”.
Opponents of the plans have already raised concerns regarding potential noise and air pollution in the local area. Corrigan said,
“People have to stop being selfish with all this ‘not-in-my-back-yard’ stuff. They should think about the money this could bring into the Tyrone economy, that’s what they should be doing. Besides, I live in Coalisland, so as long as the runway’s nowhere near there it won’t affect me”.