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Harte and Devlin To Wear Disguises Against Dublin

Tyrone Medical Man
As well as making 15 changes to the starting team, it has been revealed that the Tyrone management team will try to confuse their opponents even further by wearing false moustaches, fake glasses and wigs
According to inside sources, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin was spotted walking around Ardboe with a pencilled moustache and NHS glasses at night time in order to get used to the experience. Meanwhile, manager Mickey Harte’s postman maintains he delivered over 30 different wigs since last week to Ballygawley, mostly ordered from Amazon.
It has also been suggested that some first team players refused to play in Harte’s wigs and were subsequently dropped. Cathal McShane was reportedly extremely vocal about refusing to wear an Elvis Presley hair and chest piece combo.
A squad player added:
“I just hope we recognise Mickey on Sunday. Apparently he’s dressing as Dolly Parton in order to completely bamboozle his opposite number, Jim Gavin. I hope it works to be honest.”
Meanwhile, Omagh groundspeople have promised to put sausages in the hot dogs this year after last year’s debacle.
Shock As Newly Wed Couple Perform Traditional First Dance
Despite rumours of an appearance by Elton John and the use of a herd of dancing elephants from Dublin Zoo, a newly wed couple from Benburb performed a traditional first dance at their wedding reception, slowly moving to Islands In The Stream by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, much to the shock and awe of a 250-strong guest list.
Peter Small and Lisa Hughes, who married after a 15-year courtship, managed to fool onlookers by having fireworks, a troop of little people, dogs and a PSNI water cannon lying around the reception, sparking rumours of a spectacular opening dance. Video footage subsequently showed guests preparing themselves for the anticipated extravaganza up to 30 minutes before the dance by standing on chairs and setting up tripods.
Videographer Patsy Killen admitted he was blown away by their performance:
“I’d heard rumours that Peter was going to fling Lisa up on top of the chandelier that was going to turn into a diamond-studded staircase which she’d walk down whilst twerking to some rap tune about muthafookers. You know, the standard stuff. Well, our jaws dropped when we saw them move slowly to the dulcet tones of Dolly and Kenny.”
Still disbelieving, guests waited patiently for the track to change mid-song, probably sparking a dance routine involving the bridal party whipping each other and the groom’s aged grandfather dabbing furiously to Snoop Doggy Dog. When nothing happened and the song ended, the hall erupted into rapturous applause with some guests reportedly crying with happiness.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. Well since 1998 anyway. They just….slow danced. It was quite remarkable.”
Mr and Mrs Small also refused to have a chocolate fountain and turned down the opportunity to be photographed peering around a tree in the middle of a lake.
Tattyreagh Duet Make It To X-Factor Live Auditions Singing About Tattyreagh
Newlyweds Paul and Julia Brannigan have put Tattyreagh on the map after making it through to the TV stages of the X-Factor auditions singing a song they made up in the taxi on the way over to the show. Scribbled on the back of a packet of sweetie cigarettes, “Tattyreagh – You Don’t Have A Picture-house But You’re Deadly To Me’ wooed the judges so much that Simon Cowell is considering visiting the townland before the end of the month. Paul said it’s a dream come through:
“To be honest, we were going to sing “Islands In The Stream” by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton. Then, with a few shots in us, we thought feck it and wrote a song there and then in the taxi about the homeland. We’ve since lost the piece of cardboard it was on but we managed to include stuff like the scrap metal yard, sheep farming and the bath-doctor. It was hard rhyming something with bath-doctor so we pretended there was a Costcutters and that was near enough. We sang it to the tune of Raglan Road, cupping our ears and all, but they didn’t seem to notice.”
All four judges sent them through with Louis Walsh saying that Tattyreagh is the new New Orleans and that they were his favourite. Gary Barlow criticised the lengthy song title but maintained the heart-breaking line “The Quiggery Waters won’t run through us/But we don’t kick up a fuss” won him over and praised the couple for looking so clean and upright for not having a river. Simon Cowell added:
“This will be up there with Africa by Toto or London’s Burning by The Clash. Tattyreagh seems so exotic. “We normally go to Darcy’s Coal merchants/And after to the HalfWay House for a lock of pints” might not be an exact rhyme but it’ll be on the tip of the tongue of every 15-year old next week. Dannii Minogue was crying and she wasn’t even judging. We WILL build a picture-house for these people”
The Brannigans say they’ll definitely sing Islands In The Stream in the TV auditions unless they “start on the shots again and make up a song about the road to Fintona and the bastard tractors that houl everyone up.”