Omagh Building And Construction Limited have confirmed they have sacked the first employee to join their firm since its inception five years ago.
Gary Molloy, a 23 year old Queen’s University graduate in Architectural Engineering from Tattyreagh, was handed the reins for a new flagship estate to be built in the outskirts of Omagh called Acorn Grove which was to signal the first major housing development in the country since the banking collapse.
Company CEO Johnny Ore explained their decision:
“It was a bit of a shock. At the lunchtime unveiling of the supposed hi-tech design estate which was attended by MLAs and any hobnob within a 50-mile radius, our man pulled out an Xbox and started showing us around his ‘world’ on a big screen. The penny didn’t drop until he started fighting off zombies and skeletons with bow and arrows and killing pigs and cattle for food. It was quite embarrassing. Young ones nowadays are not really getting the thick line between fact and fiction. On the plus side, the food was great. Full marks to Sallys and their corn beef sandwiches.”
A despondent Molloy remains defiant that he’ll crack the virtual market yet:
“Tyrone is just not ready for an imaginary world built out of textural cubes in a 3D developed platform. I’ll find somewhere else more open minded like Castledawson or Canada. I think the older ones were worried about the zombies and all but you can hack away at them with imaginary pickaxes or shovels and the like. It’s quite simple really and would have made a wonderful addition to the greater Omagh landscape. They’ve missed out big time.”
Molloy was given his marching orders soon after the presentation when an investigation was carried out into his CV claims of being a World Cup winning manager. The confident Tattyreagh man confirmed it was in the FIFA 14 game on the Playstation and that he’d won it with the Faroe Islands six times.
A man is still recovering from the trauma of having successfully landed a jumbo jet on his son’s Playstation.
Felix McVeigh, 38, an unemployed light bulb installer from Loughmacrory, took over the controls in an emergency with virtually no previous experience, after his 10 year old son Kieran vomited his lunch all over his legs whilst playing the game.
“I acted on instinct”, admitted the modest father. “I grabbed the joystick and immediately engaged the autopilot, checking that the flight coordinates correlated to the airport bearing. Jaysus, it wasn’t easy. My eyes were waterin’ from the stench of puke. I quickly fecked Kieran up to the bathroom and told him to get changed. I took a deep breath, and sat down to the challenge of my life. Landing the biggest passenger plane in the world”.
The game, ‘Wingthrust Simulator Extreme’, was given to young Kieran for his birthday in March. A Playstation 4 multi-platform game, it allows the player to fly the simulator controls of the massive twin-level Airbus A380 aircraft, taking off at a factually accurate San Francisco Airport and landing at an equally realistic London Heathrow.
“The psychological pressure of landing this computer-generated monster was huge”, said McVeigh. “It was all I could do to hold my nerve. At one stage I got so nervous the bowl of Doritos nearly fell off my lap. But by the time I was 6 virtual miles away and I pressed Button 2 to lower the landing gear, I knew there was no going back”.
McVeigh re-lived the final few moments before the successful landing, saying that he struggled in particular with modulating the auto-throttle to reduce height and speed, engaging the omni-bearing selector to the correct runway heading, and trying to Sky Plus ‘Cash In The Attic’ before it started.
However, since the incident McVeigh has suffered from sleepless nights, and believes he may be suffering from PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder.
“There were 540 virtual passengers depending on me. Their lives were in my hands. You can’t comprehend that sort of mental pressure. And I’m not after recognition or anything like that, but to be honest the response from the Loughmacrory community has been cat. Andrea Begley gets a hero’s welcome and a camera crew just for singing some songs. What do I get for saving the lives of hundreds of passengers? Feck all. Fair enough, the passengers didn’t actually exist, but that’s not the point, is it? What if they had, eh? Exactly”.
McVeigh compared his feat to that of US pilot Chesley Sullenberger, who was given the Freedom of New York City after safely landing an Airbus A320 on the River Hudson in 2009 after a flock of geese flew into its engines.
“Sullenberger did okay but in a way my job was even more difficult. He didn’t have to deal with his wife phoning half-way through the final approach asking what the feck he was doing sitting on his arse all day doing nothing and suchlike”.
McVeigh has made a request via the local Council to be given the ‘Freedom of Loughmacrory’, which entitles the holder to ridicule a shire horse in Welsh on a Tuesday.
A statement this morning by the underground ‘Red Hand Priests Are Us’ movement has called on parents and guardians to turn a blind eye to bad manners and general impishness in their children in order to save the tradition of confessions across the county. In recent years priests in many parishes have complained they are twiddling their thumbs between two and three on a Saturday as empty booths and vanishing queues are now a normal sight from Ardboe to Aghyaran. Fr Johnston from Greencastle admitted:
“We might have to abandon confessions completely. The children are now just sitting on their iPads or PlayStations. Even the couple who do trickle in tell us nothing worthwhile like knocking over a vase or sneezing and they end up taking on all the Hail Marys to be given out that day. One girl last week said she forgot to give her mother a hug and I had to hit her with 19 decades of the rosary. That’s not fair, but there’s too much penance to go around now.”
Fr Traynor from Carrickmore agreed:
“Oh how I long for the days when there’d be queues out the door with lads telling you about blowing up frogs, leaving bags of shite on the elderly neighbour’s doorstep or robbing the pub. Nowadays these youngster are too buckin lazy to get up to devilment. What are parents at these days? Can they not see the basic fabric of a young Irish child’s life is disappearing? I’m not talking devil-worshipping here but confessing to giving your brother a kicking or two would brighten the whole process up for us.”
A school in Dungannon has been first to act with a proposed GCSE class on ‘General Bad Manners and Skulduggery’ starting in September 2013. Master Cullen informed us:
“This will be a rigorous course with an element of practical which involves two pupils playing dangerous pranks on each other like locking one in a skip and rolling it down the steep bank. That sort of thing. They’ll be allowed to curse at the teacher too.”
Confessions continue this week at 2pm everywhere.