The Southern Education and Library Board have denied the accusation that they are offering soft qualifications after Dungannon Met announced that from September 2014 a BTEC First Diploma in Codology which will be worth 4 GSCEs if successfully completed. The new course, which will be monitored closely by education boards across Europe, proposes to vigorously examine 16-18 year olds on all aspects of Codology including modules called ‘Acting The Clift’, ‘Bollocksing About’ and ‘Eejit Studies’.
Lecturer Francie Moore from Carnan reckons it will give local Tyrone youths a fine grounding on life before they’re tossed out into the real world:
“Yes, Codology is possibly the most important life-skill a fine young Tyrone woman or man should master before they get their hands dirty with trades or office work. When I was growing up we were forced to learn about codology from probably the age of two. I remember acting the bollocks in P2. These young ones nowadays are well into their 20s before they get to grips with being a clift with any degree of accuracy. Tyrone will be a better place for this course.”
Local sceptic and Newmills greengrocer Johnny Adams remains unconvinced that we’ll see any improvement in general skulduggery in the county:
“I can’t see it. In previous years I’d lose about £400 worth of sweets to thieves per month as well as about £200 worth of damage. Lads and lassies now can’t be bothered to bollocks about and have their heads constantly in phones. This is a waste of taxpayers’ money. You need to pump funds into the primary schools to make sure full blown codology is ingrained by the time they hit the big school.”
The first module called ‘Acting The Lig or Jack’ involves students wrecking about outside the Fort, stealing traffic cones and slagging family members. Their final module after two years involves a 3-hour exam on ‘Being a Complete Frigger’.
The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.
Listed below are some of the answers:
Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.
Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.
Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.
Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.
Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.
Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth
Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..
Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.
Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.
Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.
Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.
Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink
Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.
Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.
Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.