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Chinese Family Leave Ardboe After Accent Misunderstanding
A quare ‘hate’ in Ardboe that day
A beleaguered Chinese family, who fled East Belfast after racial intimidation to settle in Ardboe, have been urged to return to the loughshore resort after a mix-up in accent saw them up roots for the second time in a month after one day in their new home.
Martin Tsang and his family received universal support after they highlighted the racial discrimination taking place in Knocknagoney in Belfast before deciding to settle in Ardboe, a move warmly welcomed by Lord Mayor of Ardboe Francie Forbes.
Tsang, however, was not impressed by Forbes’ welcome on that sunny morning:
“We got out of the car on the Ardboe Road only to be met by Forbes who said ‘there’s quare hate in Ardboe here today’ and he was smiling from ear to ear and winking. Sure we didn’t know he was talking about the heat. Then another man walked past with a fishing rod and said ‘Jaysus the hate will kill you today’. We were in a state of shock.”
The Tsangs persevered and drove up to their house only to be met by the postman looking up at the sun and who uttered ‘We haven’t had hate like this in Ardboe all year. I love the oul hate though. Can’t get enough of it. I suppose youse would be used to the hate now’.
The Tsangs immediately reversed out and set out for BBC studios only to be told of the accent variations along the loughshore.
Meanwhile, Lord Mayor Forbes has urged all schools in the area to work on contentious accent pronunciations, with all P1 teachers told to use the word heat as if rhymed with feet. When told that feet is pronounced fate in the area, the mayor just shook his head.
Castlederg Man Comes Back From Weekend In New York With Thick American Accent
Castlederg, outside Deeney’s house
By Sheangas McGlumphie
A Castlederg man who spent a weekend on holiday in New York returned to his home in Kilclean Road with a virtually incomprehensible American accent, much to the annoyance of his friends and family. 24 year old Brendan Deeney went out to join his brother Declan who lives in Bayridge, Brooklyn, to help his brother celebrate his stag weekend in Manhattan, New York City, over three days. He returned on Monday with what appeared to be a strong American accent.
“Aw men, what accent?” asked a puzzled Deeney. “Seriously, what is it with these guys? I got home Saturday from an awesome time with my bro in NY. I mean, it was a cool party an’ all, but then as soon as I got back my mom was on my case from the get-go. I mean, enough already”.
“He’s a feckin’ idiot” said his mother, Aileen Deeney, clearly irritated by the whole episode.
“He’s never been further than the other side of Enniskillen, and now he’s waltzing around the place like he’s Tom Cruise or Van Morrison or Bill Gates or something. He came down from his room on Tuesday saying he wanted a bag of ‘potato chips’. Potato chips! I’ll give him feckin’ potato chips all right, right in his feckin’ American piehole”.
Deeney confirmed his mother had appeared unhappy with his behaviour.
“Yeah, mom was freakin’ out and I was like, ‘hey mom, that’s totally not cool’, but she was like ‘talk to the hand’. I mean seriously”.
Deeney fared no better when spending the following Saturday evening with his friends in McHale’s pub in Castlederg.
“I went out to the bar to hang out and shoot the breeze with my homies and it was even worse, can you believe that shit? I went to the john and when I came back they were all laughing an’ all an’ takin’ the crap out of me. These guys really got on my tooshie. What’s changed? Nuthin’s changed. I’m still the same Joe Blow I always was”.
Deeney said that he intends to go with his friends to the “soccer next Saturday but might take a rain check”. His friends have confirmed that if he still has the accent by this weekend they will “kick his ass all the way to Fintona. Period”.
Tyrone Tribulations 