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Drunk Doctor Escapes Arrest After Claiming His Dog Cycled Him To The Shop

A common sight in Strabane?

A common sight in Strabane?

A Strabane cyclist evaded jail after he claimed his dog cycled him to the shop with him on the dog’s back.

Dr Kenny Curley, a respected GP and avid cyclist, was questioned by police at 1am this morning after his local off-licence cashier reported him for being ‘blind drunk’ and ‘trying to pay for his items inside the cooling fridge’.

On arrival, PSNI Inspector McAuley noticed his mountain bike was mangled and sought permission to issue an arrest for drunken cycling. Shop worker Cathy King explained:

“He was rightly leathered, banging into walls and knocking over pyramids of beer. I noticed cuts and bruises all over his body and saw that his bike was banjaxed. It was when the doctor stepped into the fridge and tried to pay for his goods that I phoned the cops. I don’t know if he had rehearsed this but he told the policeman that his dog cycled the bike and that he climbed onto the dog’s back for the half-mile journey. And to give him credit, his dog was lying beside the bike, exhausted.”

Inspector McAuley was unable to prove the claim either way and let Dr Curley off with a stern warning that dogs probably shouldn’t be riding bikes even though it wasn’t in the Highway Code but also reminded him not to be piggybacking anyway. The inspector also demanded that McAuley walked home with his dog and cast doubt on the dog’s ability to reach the pedals but agreed to let him off this time. Dr McAuley proceeded to buy four cans of Coors.

Dr Curley’s dog, Peter the Pomeranian, remained calm throughout the whole ordeal.

Pomeroy Man Gets Colonic Irrigation By Mistake – Didn’t Like It

Pomeroy professional funeral-wailer Denver Douglas has managed to get his life back to some semblance of normality after a terrible mix-up with his GP led to a rectum-cleaning marathon for the 66-year old. In what turned out to be a comedic/almost tragic turn of events, Douglas ended up in the clinic bent over after a short conversation about what he believed to be personal farming problems with Dr Devlin, the local GP since 1944.

“I was saying to the doctor that I was having cramps because the crop of strawberries was terrible this year. That bollox Devlin recommended irrigation and I thought he was talking about field drainage. Little did I know he was thinking of my bowels and sticking a hose up me to clane her out. I said I’d be on for that alright and he told me to call around tomorrow to the clinic for a chat about it.”

The room where the cleansing was performed

Things got out of hand when Dr Devlin ran at Douglas when he came in with a tranquilizing needle to sedate him in case he backed down.

“I thought I was there to see plans for a new drainage system. The next thing I knew I was bent over the desk with Devlin shoving a 20-inch garden hose up my passage and told the nurse to turn her up to the hilt. I was too far gone with the injection to resist. I didn’t like it. I was like that for 2 hours, dignity gone completely like. That nurse would be a niece of mine and she didn’t need to see that side of me.”

Despite the trauma, Douglas says he’s never felt better and apologises to Dr Devlin for shattering his left jaw in three pieces when he came round. He has promised to wail loudly at Devlin’s funeral, free of charge.

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