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Drunk Doctor Escapes Arrest After Claiming His Dog Cycled Him To The Shop

A common sight in Strabane?

A common sight in Strabane?

A Strabane cyclist evaded jail after he claimed his dog cycled him to the shop with him on the dog’s back.

Dr Kenny Curley, a respected GP and avid cyclist, was questioned by police at 1am this morning after his local off-licence cashier reported him for being ‘blind drunk’ and ‘trying to pay for his items inside the cooling fridge’.

On arrival, PSNI Inspector McAuley noticed his mountain bike was mangled and sought permission to issue an arrest for drunken cycling. Shop worker Cathy King explained:

“He was rightly leathered, banging into walls and knocking over pyramids of beer. I noticed cuts and bruises all over his body and saw that his bike was banjaxed. It was when the doctor stepped into the fridge and tried to pay for his goods that I phoned the cops. I don’t know if he had rehearsed this but he told the policeman that his dog cycled the bike and that he climbed onto the dog’s back for the half-mile journey. And to give him credit, his dog was lying beside the bike, exhausted.”

Inspector McAuley was unable to prove the claim either way and let Dr Curley off with a stern warning that dogs probably shouldn’t be riding bikes even though it wasn’t in the Highway Code but also reminded him not to be piggybacking anyway. The inspector also demanded that McAuley walked home with his dog and cast doubt on the dog’s ability to reach the pedals but agreed to let him off this time. Dr McAuley proceeded to buy four cans of Coors.

Dr Curley’s dog, Peter the Pomeranian, remained calm throughout the whole ordeal.

Legal Loophole See Hundreds Sue Local Pub For Falling Off Stool

Tessie's. An hour ago.

Tessie’s. An hour ago.

A landmark case which saw a Clonoe man sue his local pub for £3000 for falling off his stool is set to open the floodgates for hundreds of similar type claims.

Gay Taggart, who claims he fell off his stool 300 times in Tessie’s Pub over the course of one year, received £10 per fall despite the probability of being highly intoxicated every time. CCTV footage confirmed all falls took place after at least 8 pints of Carlsberg. Unfortunately, Tessie’s defence team were unable to prove Taggart was drunk on each occasion.

Taggart, 44, has encouraged everyone who has fallen off a stool across the county to get on to their local solicitor and press for charges:

“At £30 a go it’s worth it. That’ll buy about another eight pints and hopefully you’ll fall off and the whole process starts all over again. I’ve already fallen off twice this week, and one of the stools even had a back on it. Them stools are deadly.”

Seamy Tessie, whose family have run the establishment since 1766, is amazed the case saw the light of day, never mind be successful:

“This is madness. Taggart was stocious every time. He’d be singing ‘She’ll Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain’ one minute and the next he’d be flat on the slabs, snoring away. And now I have to give him his £30 back. I’ll be ruined if everyone backdates their claims. Sean McCann fell off 7 times one day when Clonoe won the Championship. There’s nothing wrong with our stools.”

Tessie has been working closely with local entrepreneurs to invent a new device which sees punters locked into their seat for their duration of their drinking sessions.

Leaked footage of one fall:

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