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Biting On The Rise In County Since Suarez Incident

woman_bitingIn another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.

The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.

Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:

“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”

Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:

“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”

Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.

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More Off-Licences Than People In Coalisland

1997frjack

Coalisland – drinking capital of Europe

Coalisland has been described as being like ‘some mad village in Russia or somewhere’ by visiting South American politicians on a fact-finding mission funded by the UN.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

Maradona, who claims to have roots in Galbally, told us:

“The system they have here in Coalisland is fantastic. Local business people know how much you’re mad for the drink here so they’ve put an off-licence at the back of every establishment. Genius stuff. You can go into the butchers for a ham shank and a bottle of champagne, into the barbers for a short back and sides and order a bottle of single malt on the way out. We can learn a lot from this town.”

The ultra-religious South Americans have no qualms about taking this initiative even further and exploiting the locals back home by putting off-licences in the back of churches:

“I’m surprised Coalisland hasn’t taken this step already. We’re going to make a little Coalisland in Buenos Aries and exploit everyone’s weaknesses, even the religious. You could have a full mass and then nip in behind the vestry for a six-pack or a bottle of Pinot Grigio.”

Meanwhile Coalisland PP Fr McCann has said he’s proud they’re the only establishment in Coalisland without an off-licence at the back but has not ruled out building one in 2014.

“We’re making enough money as it is. But we’re waiting for a nod from the Vatican to squeeze the last penny out of Coalisland.”

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