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Family At War Over Facebook Likes



A Newtownstewart family were said to be permanently divided after a Facebook comment about someone’s transfer test result descended into threats and people unliking comments. The innocuous status update “So proud of my wee son getting an A” posted by Hillary McConnell at 12:02pm accumulated 23 likes by 2:20pm from friends and family, with one neighbour commenting “well done James“.

Things began cutting up rough when Hillary noticed a status update by her brother on his wall about Man Utd. After apparently joking “why did you not like my status update about your nephew lol“, Hillary suffered the wrath of her brother Paddy and some of his family on her wall. Comments such as “why don’t ye tell us what ye had for breakfast“, “quit braggin and blowin” and “couldn’t be your child then ye idiot” sparked a series of comments, likes and unlikes from nearly everyone in the village.

Mary Norman fears for the area’s future:

“Some nasty things were said. Altogether 9000 people commented on that transfer test update with ancient family grudges stretching back 400 years brought up. It seems like Newtownstewart was a simmering volcano all this time and that one comment appears to have caused the eruption. Some handlin.”

This morning showed no signs of a peaceful resolution with a series of mock status updates by Paddy and his friends such as “My son tied his laces there now. So proud xxxx” being met with supporters of Hillary posting pictures of their online rivals with bad words written on them, or offers of ‘a slappin session outside Costcutters’.

PP Fr Deeny has called for a complete cessation of online displays of real or fake pride in their children until ‘everyone has a titter of wit’.

More Off-Licences Than People In Coalisland


Coalisland – drinking capital of Europe

Coalisland has been described as being like ‘some mad village in Russia or somewhere’ by visiting South American politicians on a fact-finding mission funded by the UN.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

Maradona, who claims to have roots in Galbally, told us:

“The system they have here in Coalisland is fantastic. Local business people know how much you’re mad for the drink here so they’ve put an off-licence at the back of every establishment. Genius stuff. You can go into the butchers for a ham shank and a bottle of champagne, into the barbers for a short back and sides and order a bottle of single malt on the way out. We can learn a lot from this town.”

The ultra-religious South Americans have no qualms about taking this initiative even further and exploiting the locals back home by putting off-licences in the back of churches:

“I’m surprised Coalisland hasn’t taken this step already. We’re going to make a little Coalisland in Buenos Aries and exploit everyone’s weaknesses, even the religious. You could have a full mass and then nip in behind the vestry for a six-pack or a bottle of Pinot Grigio.”

Meanwhile Coalisland PP Fr McCann has said he’s proud they’re the only establishment in Coalisland without an off-licence at the back but has not ruled out building one in 2014.

“We’re making enough money as it is. But we’re waiting for a nod from the Vatican to squeeze the last penny out of Coalisland.”

Derrytresk Man Berated From Altar For Cutting Hedge On A Sunday

Felix, this morning


Derrytresk anthropologist, Felix Hughes, was on the receiving end of an ear-bashing from the new PP last Sunday after he was spotted by early-rising parishioners cutting his hedge on the roadside between the hours of 6am and 8am on the Sabbath morning. The bold and brazen 70-year-old was reportedly “going buck mad” with a scythe in the semi-darkened mist, his comb-over flapping manically in the fearsome Sunday wind. Local busybodies, a gaggle of holy women in their 60s, reported the events to Fr Duckingstool who originally hails from Clonmore. He used his homily to take public issue with Hughes’ dawning activities:

“Well, well, well. I’ve seen it all now. My retired predecessor warned me about the Hugheses. Didn’t bother with the Dues he said. Didn’t receive confession he said. Didn’t spend much at the Mission stalls he said. But never once did I expect to hear the news I heard this morning. Cutting the feckin hedges they told me. Poor Susie, and her with the women’s troubles, said she nearly crashed her bike into the whin bush at the bottom of Hughes’ rampart. Bare-chested she said. Comb-over dancing wildly in the young foggy sky she said. Damnation awaits Felix Hughes.”

Adoring parishioners gawped in disbelief as the details of Hughes’ toils were played out in all its heathenly colour. Piecing together all reports, it appears that he was scything away for the guts of two hours that morning, greeting shouts of derision from mass-goers with either the middle finger or a show of his arse. Although Felix himself wasn’t present at the service, his wife and children were made to endure the whole sordid detail by standing up at the request of Duckingstool. The Good Father is reportedly considering returning to Armagh after the shock and is contemplating cursing the Derrytresk GAA club for the next half-century.

Hughes refused to comment on the whole shenanigans, instead firing a warning shot over reporters with his air rifle he uses for nicking school children who walk over the grass on the other side of the hedge but still on his land.

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