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‘Tyrone-Shaped Omelette’ Destined To Replace Brooks At Croke Park
The Omagh Omelette
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.
44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.
“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.
McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.
“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.
He went on,
“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.
The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.
“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.
In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.
Jiving Injuries Getting Worse As Brooks Concert Approaches
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Hospital authorities across the county have issued a plea to Tyrone residents to ‘calm down a bit’ on the dancing, as a four-fold increase in ‘jiving-related injuries’ put hospital services at breaking point at the weekend.
It is thought that the increasing popularity of local singers such as Nathan Carter, Derek Ryan and Lisa McHugh, combined with the forthcoming Garth Crooks concerts, have thrown residents into a frenzy of what many have euphemistically referred to as ‘dancing’.
“We’re on high alert”, admitted hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “It’s like a bizarre but very worrying form of hypnosis, particularly in some of the men. Put on ten seconds of ‘Wagon Wheel’, and suddenly they’re thirty years younger and John Travolta. You should see them. At best it’s 250 quid off of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ and at worse a 10-day spell in traction. Have they no sense? What makes them think that if their hips are clicking one minute, they can do a back flip the next? Holy Smokes”.
Crisis point was reached following the announcement of the Garth Brooks tour dates.
“Since then, we’re just swamped with injuries”, said Quinn. “Last Friday night we had admissions of a whole lock of different accidents at pubs and clubs, from dislocated wrists to sprained backs, locked knees, and broken ankles. And that’s just from people getting out of their stools. The actual jiving injuries were even worse”.
Authorities now fear that the outbreak has spread to domestic premises.
“We’re getting more and more call-outs to people’s homes”, admitted paramedic Aiden Mullan from Trillick. “We got an emergency call to Urney last Thursday and were treating this one boy for convulsions. Turns out that was just him tryin’ to throw some shapes to ‘Friends in Low Places’. Jaysus, we thought he had swallowed his tongue. And then on Sunday, this one in Seskinore had grabbed his missus after Sunday lunch when ‘Cotton Eyed Joe’ came on the radio. He tried to spin her round and ended up catapulting her straight through the conservatory window. Poor woman. We were picking glass out of her arse for hours”.
Hospital authorities have confirmed that they are to remain on high alert throughout spring or ‘until people wise up’. Meantime, radio broadcasters have been cautioned against ‘inciting people to jive’, with Hugo Duncan having already received a formal reprimand for deliberately playing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ without a health warning.
Tyrone In Manic State At Rumours Of Garth Brooks Comeback Concert
Bound for Ballygawley?
Following the news that Garth Brooks might embark on a comeback world tour next year, Stormont officials fear that the whole county of Tyrone will go into shutdown for 12 months. Scientists in Queens University recently discovered that 99% of Tyrone residents start humming, clicking their fingers or drum the steering wheel as soon as a Brooks song comes on the radio with a remarkable 55% breaking into spontaneous line dancing in the kitchen in full view of family and visitors.
Sinn Fein’s Wolfe Tone McGahey told us:
“We’re very worried. There’ll not be a cow milked for a year, a boiler fixed or diesel sucked. As soon as word came out that he might be embarking on this tour, I immediately took a scoot down to Loughmacrory and sure enough every household had dug out their old tape recordings and were blasting out Friends In Low Places with men who should know better dancing and yahooing in their gardens in jeans turned up at the bottom. That county will coup next year.”
McGahey confirmed that they’ve already contacted the UN to see if they’ll send troops into Tyrone in 2014 to get people to go to work and turn off their wirelesses:
“We know exactly what’ll happen. As soon as it turns 2014, Tyronnies will know that’s the year Brooks comes to Ireland and they’ll be playing his stuff morning, noon and night to get ‘geared up’ for it. The Dance will be played on loop on Q101.2 by Paddy Hunter. Schools will have ‘Brooks days’ with children wearing stetsons and cowboy boots, maybe even every day. The Thunder Rolls will be blasting from young lads’ cars at night. This is a disaster.”
Edendork butcher Johnny Nelis admitted he’s beside himself:
“I can’t sleep. Aaaarrrggggggghhhhhh”
Brooks has yet to announce any tour dates yet but Tyrone officials are sure he’ll play at the new Garvaghey Complex in one of the 3G pitches.
Tyrone Tribulations 