Bound for Ballygawley?

Following the news that Garth Brooks might embark on a comeback world tour next year, Stormont officials fear that the whole county of Tyrone will go into shutdown for 12 months. Scientists in Queens University recently discovered that 99% of Tyrone residents start humming, clicking their fingers or drum the steering wheel as soon as a Brooks song comes on the radio with a remarkable 55% breaking into spontaneous line dancing in the kitchen in full view of family and visitors.

Sinn Fein’s Wolfe Tone McGahey told us:

“We’re very worried. There’ll not be a cow milked for a year, a boiler fixed or diesel sucked. As soon as word came out that he might be embarking on this tour, I immediately took a scoot down to Loughmacrory and sure enough every household had dug out their old tape recordings and were blasting out Friends In Low Places with men who should know better dancing and yahooing in their gardens in jeans turned up at the bottom. That county will coup next year.”

McGahey confirmed that they’ve already contacted the UN to see if they’ll send troops into Tyrone in 2014 to get people to go to work and turn off their wirelesses:

“We know exactly what’ll happen. As soon as it turns 2014, Tyronnies will know that’s the year Brooks comes to Ireland and they’ll be playing his stuff morning, noon and night to get ‘geared up’ for it. The Dance will be played on loop on Q101.2 by Paddy Hunter. Schools will have ‘Brooks days’ with children wearing stetsons and cowboy boots, maybe even every day. The Thunder Rolls will be blasting from young lads’ cars at night. This is a disaster.”

Edendork butcher Johnny Nelis admitted he’s beside himself:

“I can’t sleep. Aaaarrrggggggghhhhhh”

Brooks has yet to announce any tour dates yet but Tyrone officials are sure he’ll play at the new Garvaghey Complex in one of the 3G pitches.