A brand new sport was introduced in Galbally last night at the Community Centre, as locals participated in ‘Chess Boxing’, a hybrid sport that combined chess with boxing in alternating rounds.
“We’ve tried some of these hybrid sports before, with mixed success”, said Fergal Tiernan, who organised and refereed the event. “We tried Cage-Fighting Gymnastics last year which was quite good, although Archery Wrestling didn’t end very well. And the less said about Karate Skydiving the better. We got the timing of the rounds wrong. Jays, that was a messy one to red up. Still, you’ve got to try these things”.
The Chess Boxing competition involved eight competitors, although Tiernan immediately encountered challenges.
“Aye, only one of them could play chess. We forgot this was Galbally. The rest were just there for the fighting really, and the free Tayto afterwards”.
Tempers boiled over when one of the competitors, 52-year old Oisin McShea, refused to learn the rules of chess, saying that he would involve himself in no loyalist scheme involving a Queen, King, or any other member of royalty, regardless of whether or not they were made of moulded plastic.
In fact, the only competitor able to play chess was Peader Carson from Kilnaslee Road, one of the first to apply for the competition, although it transpired that he hadn’t fully grasped the rules of the competition when applying. “Poor Peader”, explained Tiernan. “His eyesight’s not so good so he didn’t really understand about the boxing bit of it until he got into the ring. It might not’ve been so bad, but he’s 84 next birthday. Still, he paid his £3 entry so he was entitled to a go same as the rest of them. Jays, you should have seen him going down. Like a sack of spuds mangled up in a zimmer frame”.
“That’s true”, said the octogenarian Carson from his hospital bedside. “I went into the ring with a tactical plan of how I was going to open up my chess game with maybe a classic Budapest Gambit or a Sicilian Defence, and then I got punched in the face really really hard. Jays, my dentures flew halfway across the ring, and then it was goodnight Vienna. Don’t remember much after that, but it’s surprising how good Baxter’s pea and ham soup tastes through a straw. Still, it’s a lesson learned. If they repeat the competition next year, I’ll come back older wiser and stronger. Well, certainly older. Sorry, would you mind helping me onto the commode?”
The event was won by Father Polland of St Luke’s Chapel in Cappagh who won all of his chess matches after insisting he was, ‘on very good terms with both of his bishops, and had ecumenical dispensation to take any piece he wanted”.
Barney McEldruff, a minor Sinn Fein politician who was invited to Windsor Castle as part of the Irish President’s visit to London, was hailed as a financial do-gooder after he refused the use of an interpreter during the dinner and simply pointed at things he wanted.
London officials had expressed concern earlier in the week that the presence of someone from Carrickmore would cost taxpayers millions due to the astronomical costs of interpreters in the city. Sinn Fein were also aware of the adverse publicity such a move would create and had tried to put off McEldruff by warning him about the floods over there and the amount of pickpocketers there might be prowling around England.
Undettered, the novice politician was adamant he would attend the function as his name came out of the hat during the half time draw at the recent Ard Fheis.
“I know the Carrickmore accent can be wild hard to comprehend, especially outside of Pomeroy, but I was confident I could point at things I wanted during the dinner, like. And so it panned out. I successfully pointed at the soup, spuds, lamb, peas and lemon pie. No bother like.”
McEldruff admitted there were a few awkward moments as the night progressed:
“Yes, well the pints were flying and ordering those was easy. I just did the pint-down-neck gesture. However I was bursting for the toilet. I was shouting ‘bogs’ but the butlers and maids couldn’t understand. So I pulled down my cacks and took the boyo out and pointed to it. Next thing I was being thrown out of the castle by two burly guards. I gave that queen’s daffodils some watering though.”
The Carrickmore man concluded that London wasn’t ‘all that deadly‘ and that they ‘hardly knew anything about diesel and stuff‘.
A Moygashel woman is preparing for the biggest challenge of her life as she frantically looks for increasingly inventive ways to avoid family arguments breaking out on Christmas Day.
“I offered everyone round on Christmas Day in about August and then forgot all about it”, bemoaned 34-year old Rachel McNally from Moygashel. “Jaysus, what was I thinking? It’ll be like managing the G8. My da’s not talking to my brother Frankie since he sold that field that never belonged to him, my other brother Paul lost the family car on a game of 25’s which his wife Paula’s still not forgiven him for, and my mum’s not talking to my da since he went and hired that 19 year old Latvian girl to help dung out the shed. One word from anybody and it’ll be like a feckin dynamite. I’ll be lucky to get through the day alive”.
McNally has previously resorted to a variety of methods to ensure arguments don’t spoil the day.
“The last few years I’ve opted for themed Christmas Days which have worked quite well. 2012 was the ‘Monastic-Themed Christmas’ when everyone had to dress as a monk and took a vow of silence for the day. It went surprisingly okay, other than the v-signs that Frankie kept making to his ex. And the rabbit punch he got from my da on the side of his head when he was half-way through his turkey. Still, he never made a sound. Fair play to him”.
“2011 was fine as well, which was ‘Games-Themed Christmas Day”. We had a 3-hour game of charades and a 2-hour game of Pictionary, and then for the Queen’s Speech we came together and shouted abuse at the TV”.
Rachel’s plan for 2013 is an ‘Alcohol-Themed Christmas’.
“To be honest I’ve run out of ideas, so I’m going to get everyone as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible”, said McNally. “I’ve already loaded up the cake with nearly a pint of sherry, and we’re going to have tequila shots all the way through dinner. If I can get everyone completely hammered then the sooner everyone passes out, the better. Not sure how Granny Gormley’ll cope. She’s 96 and took the pledge 70 years ago. Still, it’s worth a go”, she said hopefully.
In 2010 McNally opted for a disco-themed Christmas Day with flashing lights and a smoke machine, which ended abruptly after she forgot that her sister was an epileptic and brother-in-law Dennis was a chronic asthma sufferer.
A well known Coalisland journalist has returned to his home-place after a traumatic weekend in London in which he was given beans every morning all over his fry. Ronnie Cherry, who also confirmed the existence of Buckingham Palace and Downing Street, says he’ll not return any time soon.
“Some shower them Londoners. I got off the plane and went into the first cafe I saw and ordered the all-day fry. The man arrived down and sure weren’t there banes threw all over it. I says to your boy I asked for a fry and he says ‘that is one, init’. It was some shock to the system. I started missing The ‘Island already. I then asked him for some tay and he brought out this vietnamese soup concoction. I was nearly in tears with homesickness and I’d only been there 45 minutes”.
Cherry later attended a soccer game in the city which added to the confusing nature of the weekend break.
“I hadn’t a clue who was playing – Arsenholes and Vanilla or something – but sure they don’t know the rules at all. No 45s, only 2 lads on the field knew to use their hands, no reward for points. I got thrown out near the end for cheering any points the Arsenholes did score. Just deadly confusing.”
After instructing the waitress not to use beans the following morning, Ronnie’s worst nightmare occurred:
“I said to her ‘no banes’ and she just looked blankly at me. It’s like it is an impossible thing to do over there as she returned with the whole plate dripping in banes. I let rip at her and accused her of all sorts of racism before I was ushered off the premises”.
Cherry did confirm that all those landmarks you’d see on TV like the Thames, police men with hats, double decker buses and the House of Commons actually do exist.
“aye, we were wrong about that. We’d long believed the English made those places up to make them sound rich and all. I’d dare say the Queen is real too”
Cherry brought home 5000 sticks of rock for everyone in the town.
An Aughnacloy woman was given the job of looking after the UK Queen this week in hospital as the British monarch battled bad wind and irregular bowel movements. Belinda Gildernew, an employee of the King Edward VII hospital since she was dismissed from Craigavon for slipping patients a ‘drop of the hard stuff’, maintains the head of the royal family wasn’t grumpy at all and was ‘some girl for the slaggings’.
“To be honest I wasn’t overly excited when I was given the briefing. I thought she’d be too old for a bit of banter. How wrong was I? As soon as she heard my accent she was ‘Paddy this’ and ‘to be sure to be sure’ that, all in good taste. I told her where I came from and I was astonished when she asked if Sean Douglas still played for Aghaloo. I really underestimated her knowledge of the lower leagues in Tyrone.”
Gildernew was sad to see Windsor leave the hospital yesterday as it meant she had to go back to cleaning the arses of patients who weren’t all that much craic at all.
“Ah I’ll miss the oul bint you know. She’d obviously done a bit of research on the Gildernews overnight using a special computer because the next morning she was fit to slag me about the fight we’re having with the Hughes family over access to a field near Caledon. There was one scary moment though when I dropped my guard and told her about my uncle who tried to blow her up in the 80s. Her faced dropped and she said she’d have me hanged in the tower for treason. I nearly dunged the togs. She then broke out laughing and told me to ‘have a titter of wit’ and sure it was all water under the bridge. She said her and Philip even listen to the Wolfe Tones before weddings.”
Belinda says she told the Queen she’s welcome down the Monaghan Road any time apart from Saturday mornings as they’re normally dying with the hangovers.