Following the news that Buckingham Palace is to receive a £350m refurbishment, a white Ford Transit van has been seen heading off the Ballygawley roundabout today towards the direction of Dublin and probably eventually to Holyhead.
Eyewitnesses state that over 20 men were bundled into the back of the van which appeared to come with a food rack, plylined to increase carriage of plaster boards & tools, extra deadlocks on the side and back doors, probably just serviced with a new clutch and rear brakes making it a reliable work-horse.
Although a request for tenders has yet to be formally structured, a friend of the driver believes they should have no bother getting the gig. Ballygawley native Pamela McCann maintains the area has a rich history in contributing to world-renowned structures:
“Yes, the Ballygawley/Glencull area is hiving with talented tradesmen. It’s not well known but lads from here helped to build the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China as well as the Great Barrier Reef. It comes as no surprise that the Queen of England turned to here for help. Fair play to her – up to now I though she was an oul bag.”
The van, which was described as having a middlin suspension, was spotted in Navan at a service station with many of the men buying The Daily Star, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a Mars Bar.
News emerged last night that an unemployed mechanic from Clonoe is apparently 116,263rd in line to the throne.
“It’s a massive responsibility hi”, admitted Daragh ‘Red Boy’ Loughran cheerfully. “There’s a huge expectation on me that if something happens to the Queen, Prince Charles, William and 116,260 others, then it would be down to me to run the show. And let’s face it, the Queen’s not getting any younger is she, so that’s almost one off the list already. Won’t be long boys, won’t be long”.
The Northern Ireland Institute of Genealogy confirmed the news last week that Loughran was related to the monarchy through a distant relative on his father’s side who was related by accident to Edward VIII.
52-year old Loughran, an active member of Sinn Fein since joining the party in 1987, has had his commitment questioned by other members and close friends since making the announcement.
“Aye, maybe it’s a wee touch embarrassing what with all the demonstrations and the marches I’ve attended over the years. Then there was the handlin’ with all graffiti and vandalism. And the trouble with the police. But that was all just a misunderstanding sure. I was actually shouting ‘Love the Queen’. They just misheard me, that’s all. She’s a nice wee woman. And I’ve always loved Helen Mirren”.
“People have questioned me about my values, but sure, why can’t I be a Republican at the same time as being King of England? What’s wrong with that? And anyway, if my principles don’t fit with my lifestyle, I can always change them”.
Sheila, Loughran’s wife of 30 years, was doubtful of her husband being able to make a smooth transition from unemployed layabout to head of a 600-year old world-renowned royal dynasty.
“For a start, he’d have to learn how to use a knife and fork”, she said. “Jaysis, you should see that wan eating his tea. It’s like a Labrador eating custard. How’s he supposed to have lunch with the likes of David Cameron and Ronald Reagan if he insists on licking all the gravy off his plate? Maybe the Palace staff could sort something out and get one of their footmen to bate his dinner intae him. That might work”.
She confided that Loughran was already preparing for the role.
“Aye, he’s hard work. He’s started walking around with his own toilet seat the bollix, and every time I get back from the shops he keeps asking me, ‘Have you travelled far?’ I’m getting fed up with it”.
Loughran however rejected the concerns.
“Eating won’t be a problem. Sure, loads of them soldier boys in London love eating beef, which I do too. I’d fit right in hi, once they got the crown re-sized. And I’d be head of the British government too, so it’d be free Tayto for all, and I’d abolish annual MOTs. They’re a pain in the hole. £350 it cost me last month. Oh aye, and I’d do something about Irish independence too”, he added hurriedly.
In preparation for receiving a call from Buckingham Palace, Loughran confirmed he had removed ‘Men Behind The Wire’ from his iPhone playlist.
The small townland of Derrytresk was described as ‘feeling a bit awkward’ this morning after the English Queen’s New Year’s Honours List included ‘Derryresk Woman’ in the MBE section. This is the first such award in the area although some have always suspected a couple of older men who regularly drink in the club may have been secretly knighted years ago.
The unnamed bag wielder received her award for ‘highlighting the multiple uses of fashion accessories‘ and for being a ‘modern day Joan of Arc‘.
Buckingham officials explained their decision:
“When it was put to the Queen last year about giving ‘The Derrytresk Woman’ an award she refused point blank on the grounds that she had already given two major awards to businessmen from that area in the past and they’d kept it quiet. Gladly though, she has softened a bit this year and has decided to bestow an MBE upon the woman who flung her bag on top of Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan.”
Locals have admitted to feeling a bit confused about the whole affair. Digger man Malachy McCann admitted:
“Normally we would tell the woman Windsor where to shove her gong. But this feels different. The abuse we took from people regarding the whole Dromid incident is still raw. With this award, we need to work out whether it’ll shut people up or worsen the whole thing. We’ll have an emergency meeting after Mass on Sunday.”
Queen Elizabeth has agreed to post out the MBE to the anonymous woman using recorded delivery.
The identity of the two knighted Derrytresk businessmen has also set tongues wagging. One suspect is Prionsias O’Neill who was often spotted at the bar smiling lovingly at a one pound coin in his hand, for about a year.
A well known Coalisland journalist has returned to his home-place after a traumatic weekend in London in which he was given beans every morning all over his fry. Ronnie Cherry, who also confirmed the existence of Buckingham Palace and Downing Street, says he’ll not return any time soon.
“Some shower them Londoners. I got off the plane and went into the first cafe I saw and ordered the all-day fry. The man arrived down and sure weren’t there banes threw all over it. I says to your boy I asked for a fry and he says ‘that is one, init’. It was some shock to the system. I started missing The ‘Island already. I then asked him for some tay and he brought out this vietnamese soup concoction. I was nearly in tears with homesickness and I’d only been there 45 minutes”.
Cherry later attended a soccer game in the city which added to the confusing nature of the weekend break.
“I hadn’t a clue who was playing – Arsenholes and Vanilla or something – but sure they don’t know the rules at all. No 45s, only 2 lads on the field knew to use their hands, no reward for points. I got thrown out near the end for cheering any points the Arsenholes did score. Just deadly confusing.”
After instructing the waitress not to use beans the following morning, Ronnie’s worst nightmare occurred:
“I said to her ‘no banes’ and she just looked blankly at me. It’s like it is an impossible thing to do over there as she returned with the whole plate dripping in banes. I let rip at her and accused her of all sorts of racism before I was ushered off the premises”.
Cherry did confirm that all those landmarks you’d see on TV like the Thames, police men with hats, double decker buses and the House of Commons actually do exist.
“aye, we were wrong about that. We’d long believed the English made those places up to make them sound rich and all. I’d dare say the Queen is real too”
Cherry brought home 5000 sticks of rock for everyone in the town.