Following the decision by Tony Donnelly to step down as Tyrone assistant manager this week, Paddy Power has installed The Handbag Woman From The Hill as an unbackable odds-on favourite to stand alongside Mickey Harte on the sideline in 2015.
The woman, who has yet to be identified, is reportedly considering her options as revealing her identity might result in a van load of Dromid Pearses supporters driven by Declan O’Sullivan arriving in Derrytresk to confront her.
A Tyrone backroom official told us:
“Mickey feels that the current squad have lost a wee bit of steeliness and that maybe they need a fresh face to put the fear of God into them. Everyone agreed that there was only one person for the job and she resides in the lowlands near Tamnamore. Breaking the news to the players will have to be sensitively dealt with. I know for a fact that Kyle Coney has nightmares about this woman.”
Critics of the pending decision point to the fact that she hasn’t got a moustache and that nearly all Tyrone managers or assistants have possessed some form of facial hairiness since the 1980s. The unnamed official debunked this theory:
“That can be worked on. Anyway, they’ll not get as far as looking at her face. It’ll be what’s in her hand they’ll be keeping an eye on.”
Other applicants include Tony Donnelly again, Gerry Adams and a man from Moortown with a marvellous moustache.
Meanwhile, sources close to the woman in question have revealed that she has already placed an order for an even bigger handbag in one of the club books she gets.
The small townland of Derrytresk was described as ‘feeling a bit awkward’ this morning after the English Queen’s New Year’s Honours List included ‘Derryresk Woman’ in the MBE section. This is the first such award in the area although some have always suspected a couple of older men who regularly drink in the club may have been secretly knighted years ago.
The unnamed bag wielder received her award for ‘highlighting the multiple uses of fashion accessories‘ and for being a ‘modern day Joan of Arc‘.
Buckingham officials explained their decision:
“When it was put to the Queen last year about giving ‘The Derrytresk Woman’ an award she refused point blank on the grounds that she had already given two major awards to businessmen from that area in the past and they’d kept it quiet. Gladly though, she has softened a bit this year and has decided to bestow an MBE upon the woman who flung her bag on top of Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan.”
Locals have admitted to feeling a bit confused about the whole affair. Digger man Malachy McCann admitted:
“Normally we would tell the woman Windsor where to shove her gong. But this feels different. The abuse we took from people regarding the whole Dromid incident is still raw. With this award, we need to work out whether it’ll shut people up or worsen the whole thing. We’ll have an emergency meeting after Mass on Sunday.”
Queen Elizabeth has agreed to post out the MBE to the anonymous woman using recorded delivery.
The identity of the two knighted Derrytresk businessmen has also set tongues wagging. One suspect is Prionsias O’Neill who was often spotted at the bar smiling lovingly at a one pound coin in his hand, for about a year.
An impromptu stop-off by the American cavalcade on the M1 resulted in a humiliating mix-up for the townland of Derrytresk, stirring memories of a previous misdemeanour. President Obama had intimated to his driver that he was ‘dying with the thirst’ after the Loughgall turn-off and soon found himself heading to the Derrytresk clubrooms for a cup of tea and hopefully a biscuit. On exiting the vehicle, he was immediately clobbered by a woman wielding a handbag in a case of mistaken identity.
“Some handlin,” admitted local animal whisperer Lisa McGarrell. “I can’t believe this has happened again. Just when Derrytresk had gotten back to normality after the handbag incident last year against Dromid, we’re right back in the spotlight. The worst thing is, it is a different woman to the first. They’re not even related. I appeal to the media on behalf of the people here – stay away. Yiz’ll be clodded if you come near here sniffing about.”
American aides confirmed that, although shook up, Barack took the hit well and completely understands the mix-up. Security man Hank Harrelson told us:
“Listen, crap happens. Barack has a bit of a Kerry look off him and I’ve seen pictures of Declan O’Sullivan. They’re the spit of each other. The president will not hold a grudge but he did say something about not shedding a tear if they were relegated this year.”
A ray of light was taken from the incident after Michelle Obama took a shine to the weapon and put in an order for three of the same handbags to be shipped to the “White House” before the weekend. The unnamed assailant told us:
“Yea, she was deadly interested in the bag. I told her my da made it from the skins of eel, mink and a few other things he killed. She said it was ‘cool’ and wanted a few. I toul her £300 each and she said no bother”.