White House officials have confirmed that they will take direct action on Mid-Ulster residents if they persist on using ‘deadly’ and ‘lethal’ in everyday speak, if local councils don’t enforce the ruling themselves. Obama’s Press Vice-Secretary Jake Power reiterated the need for immediate ruling on this issue in order to prevent international intervention:
“We have liaised with officials in Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Magherafelt for two years now over this issue and it looks like they’ve done nothing about it. We intercept thousands of calls all over Europe and if anyone is on the phone to someone from Tyrone all you hear is ‘deadly’ this and ‘lethal’ that which results in our Secret Service Officers going into overdrive. Last week we were listening to a French politician who was talking to a farmer in Strabane about cattle products. The phrase ‘lethal crack in our barn’ was used and we had six fighter pilots on their way to Central Airforce in the middle of the night. West Tyrone could have been nuked.”
Cookstown Council have responded by confirming they have cracked down on the word ‘deadly’ by using on-foot volunteers on the Main Street telling people they hear using that word to tone it down a bit. Volunteer Pat McGrane from The Rock admits it’s a thankless task:
“I’ve had three slaps already. Just this morning I heard an old lady telling her friend that that her husband was a ‘deadly man’ for the scratching at night. I asked her to perhaps think about using a different word and she gave me a mouthful and a dig across the jaw. It’s not worth it. The Americans need to be more tolerant to our ways.”
In other news the White House have also rejected Donegal’s bid to become a part of America.
An impromptu stop-off by the American cavalcade on the M1 resulted in a humiliating mix-up for the townland of Derrytresk, stirring memories of a previous misdemeanour. President Obama had intimated to his driver that he was ‘dying with the thirst’ after the Loughgall turn-off and soon found himself heading to the Derrytresk clubrooms for a cup of tea and hopefully a biscuit. On exiting the vehicle, he was immediately clobbered by a woman wielding a handbag in a case of mistaken identity.
“Some handlin,” admitted local animal whisperer Lisa McGarrell. “I can’t believe this has happened again. Just when Derrytresk had gotten back to normality after the handbag incident last year against Dromid, we’re right back in the spotlight. The worst thing is, it is a different woman to the first. They’re not even related. I appeal to the media on behalf of the people here – stay away. Yiz’ll be clodded if you come near here sniffing about.”
American aides confirmed that, although shook up, Barack took the hit well and completely understands the mix-up. Security man Hank Harrelson told us:
“Listen, crap happens. Barack has a bit of a Kerry look off him and I’ve seen pictures of Declan O’Sullivan. They’re the spit of each other. The president will not hold a grudge but he did say something about not shedding a tear if they were relegated this year.”
A ray of light was taken from the incident after Michelle Obama took a shine to the weapon and put in an order for three of the same handbags to be shipped to the “White House” before the weekend. The unnamed assailant told us:
“Yea, she was deadly interested in the bag. I told her my da made it from the skins of eel, mink and a few other things he killed. She said it was ‘cool’ and wanted a few. I toul her £300 each and she said no bother”.