Despite the general euphoria at the announcement of the English Prince Harry’s wedding plans, Charlie’s son has come under stern criticism at home after it emerged he’s to wed one of the Mackles from the Moy, cashing in on their success as Ulster Intermediate Champions.
Harry, who has never even been to Benburb Sunday, has already reportedly enquired about tickets to the All-Ireland club semi-final and has bought a Moy jersey with the misspelt Kavanagh on the back of it.
Moy historian and anarchist Kieran Mellon admitted he has mixed emotions about the news:
“Obviously it’s great for the Mackles financially and for the Moy itself. But be under no illusion that this is a marriage on shaky foundations. Harry is glory-hunting on the back of that win in Armagh yesterday. Of that there is no doubt. And although young Marietta Mackle is one of the better looking women in the Moy, I find it hard to believe he’s genuine about this. Sure she’s only the one eyebrow. “
Harry was spotted in Tomney’s last night after 11 o’clock drinking the local cocktail ‘Young Buck’ which is a mixture of Buckfast and a spoonful of water but left as soon as Come Out You Black and Tans was sung by one of the Jordans.
Although Prince Charles was a big fan of Eileen Donaghy’s music back in the 80s, it is said that Camilla refuses to visit the hamlet due to a long running feud with the Charlemonts.
News emerged last night that an unemployed mechanic from Clonoe is apparently 116,263rd in line to the throne.
“It’s a massive responsibility hi”, admitted Daragh ‘Red Boy’ Loughran cheerfully. “There’s a huge expectation on me that if something happens to the Queen, Prince Charles, William and 116,260 others, then it would be down to me to run the show. And let’s face it, the Queen’s not getting any younger is she, so that’s almost one off the list already. Won’t be long boys, won’t be long”.
The Northern Ireland Institute of Genealogy confirmed the news last week that Loughran was related to the monarchy through a distant relative on his father’s side who was related by accident to Edward VIII.
52-year old Loughran, an active member of Sinn Fein since joining the party in 1987, has had his commitment questioned by other members and close friends since making the announcement.
“Aye, maybe it’s a wee touch embarrassing what with all the demonstrations and the marches I’ve attended over the years. Then there was the handlin’ with all graffiti and vandalism. And the trouble with the police. But that was all just a misunderstanding sure. I was actually shouting ‘Love the Queen’. They just misheard me, that’s all. She’s a nice wee woman. And I’ve always loved Helen Mirren”.
“People have questioned me about my values, but sure, why can’t I be a Republican at the same time as being King of England? What’s wrong with that? And anyway, if my principles don’t fit with my lifestyle, I can always change them”.
Sheila, Loughran’s wife of 30 years, was doubtful of her husband being able to make a smooth transition from unemployed layabout to head of a 600-year old world-renowned royal dynasty.
“For a start, he’d have to learn how to use a knife and fork”, she said. “Jaysis, you should see that wan eating his tea. It’s like a Labrador eating custard. How’s he supposed to have lunch with the likes of David Cameron and Ronald Reagan if he insists on licking all the gravy off his plate? Maybe the Palace staff could sort something out and get one of their footmen to bate his dinner intae him. That might work”.
She confided that Loughran was already preparing for the role.
“Aye, he’s hard work. He’s started walking around with his own toilet seat the bollix, and every time I get back from the shops he keeps asking me, ‘Have you travelled far?’ I’m getting fed up with it”.
Loughran however rejected the concerns.
“Eating won’t be a problem. Sure, loads of them soldier boys in London love eating beef, which I do too. I’d fit right in hi, once they got the crown re-sized. And I’d be head of the British government too, so it’d be free Tayto for all, and I’d abolish annual MOTs. They’re a pain in the hole. £350 it cost me last month. Oh aye, and I’d do something about Irish independence too”, he added hurriedly.
In preparation for receiving a call from Buckingham Palace, Loughran confirmed he had removed ‘Men Behind The Wire’ from his iPhone playlist.
A minor BBC production company has issued an apology to the whole of County Tyrone as well as the Buddhist community after they concluded a religious documentary by stating that Buddhism was now the dominant faith practised in the area.
BBC4’s Faith In Ireland series concluded yesterday with a tour of Ulster, visiting Strabane, Carrickmore and Ardboe and observing local traditions and faith development from a distance. Narrated by Prince Charles, the programme-makers ended with the declaration that ‘Buddhism is now the most practised faith in Tyrone, relegating Christianity to the dark ages‘.
Producer Ken Barlowe explained the error:
“It was an honest mistake. We were driving about the countryside and witnessed loads of bald men carrying a bit of weight just sitting on stone walls or fences doing nothing but staring into the distance and nodding every few minutes. We just thought it was some form of enlightened status they had reached. We didn’t know that baldness was rife in the county and with the men being fond of cream buns and fries, they looked like dead ringers for the small Buddha figures you’d see in Chinese restaurants.”
Barlowe also apologised to the Buddhist faith after research confirmed the little bald figure had little or nothing to do with the original Buddha. When pushed on how the apology will be offered, he angrily added:
“Listen, we’ve apologised already, OK? We saw priests shouting at the bald men so assumed the clergy were scolding them regarding their lapses. Anyway, in Clonoe we saw around 120 bald men with a couple of extra pounds around their waist just sitting in hedges and against walls, staring at cars going past. Have these people nothing to do? Might as well take up the Buddhism I say.”
Barlowe later apologised for the above quote, reminding viewers that there was much more to Buddhism than sitting in hedges staring at cars and that baldness was not a requisite to practise the faith.
Speculation from Rome is rife that Pope Francis feels under increasing pressure to visit the county to see what all the fuss is about.
The recent G8 Summit in Enniskillen saw presidents and prime ministers pass through Tyrone, whilst Caledon hosted a royal visit in July when Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall turned up unexpectedly. Meanwhile, pop star Andrea Begley brought publicity to Pomeroy after winning BBC’s ‘The Voice’, whilst Bono himself was apparently spotted wandering about Beragh only last month. Sources believe that the Pontiff feels he is missing out on something, and that he is now desperate to jump on a plane to visit Tyrone.
A source at the Vatican confirmed,
“Mamma Mia! El Papa eeza wanting to veezit Teerone big time, to bless-a da peeeple, and to seek an audience weetha Peta Canavan. Badda bing, badda boom”.
Enthusiastic local priest Father Dick O’Malley of Derrytresk said,
“The Pope has said that he wants ‘a poor church for the poor’. That’s why he should start off at Stewartstown. Jaysus, them poor crayturs. Some of them haven’t even got Sky. No wonder they look miserable. They’ve never even seen an episode of ‘The Sopranos’”.
Dermott O’Malley, a part-time tightrope-stretcher from Greecastle, was just as keen.
“We have a wee ice cream van all ready that we can turn into a Popemobile when His Holiness is whizzin’ about the place. We can leave the ice cream yolk in so he can have a Mister Whippy if he gets a bit hot. Deadly. And we’ve managed to find an old poster of Maradona to put on the side of it to make him feel at home”.
However, not all locals welcomed the news.
“To be honest, I’m fed up with all thon well-knowns turning up”, said Dungannon man Peter Kerr, who runs a local newsagent. “Obama was in here looking for a copy of ‘Lady Senators Monthly’ and he got chased. And thon Charles and Camilly were worse, standing at the back of the the sweetie section gigglin’ away like weans, then running off with penny chews without paying. If His Holiness comes in here with that attitude then I certainly won’t be kissing his ring”.
Speculation regarding a papal visit increased further yesterday following easyjet’s announcement that flights from Rome to Belfast International are now as cheap as £29 including taxes.