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Uproar In Seskinore Over Reclassification Of Ballygawley As A Town

The Town

The Town

Following the news that the Mid-Ulster District Council have decided to reclassify Ballygawley as a town, residents of Seskinore have reportedly become restless after they revealed they have been turned down for the same classification for 45 consecutive years despite being 200% bigger.

Ballygawley, which was a village until recently, is expected to experience a windfall since the declaration, with news of famous celebrities across the globe accessing house prices in the area as well as the attractive categorisation of being a ‘townie’ instead of a plain ‘villager’ or ‘bogman’.

Seskinore Tourism Co-ordinator Jessie Pink admitted that the award was a kick in the stomach:

“We just can’t believe it around here. What does Ballygawley have that we don’t except a massive roundabout? We have a primary school and a church just like them and we don’t have pubs which should be a plus with all the bad press alcohol is getting.”

Ballygawley now joins Omagh, Strabane, Cookstown, Dungannon, Castlederg, Coalisland, Fintona and Carrickmore as Tyrone’s official towns, further enraging Seskinorians:

“Carrick-buckin-more? I’ve a field bigger than Carrickmore.”

Ballygawley is to welcome the new classification by issuing advice to homes on the behaviour expected now from townies. They include:

  • Reading up on latest fashions/hairstyles and changing them every 5 weeks
  • Cheap tracksuits to be worn after 6pm and on weekends
  • Baseball caps with acute peaks at all times
  • Women to wear less clothes with a lot more flesh on display
  • Women to don baby blue jogging jackets with ‘PRINCESS’ emblazoned on the back
  • Poorly dyed blonde hair with split ends and two inch long roots
  • To look down on anyone who is intelligent/not from a town

McDonald’s and Burger King are monitoring the situation.

 

Councils Vow To Make Rural Broadband Across The County, ‘A Bit More Broader’

After floods of complaints about poor response times and inconsistent network service across the county, councillors in Tyrone today pledged to residents to improve the broadband delivery network in all parts of Tyrone.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Local Councillor Enda McMann, said,

“Quite frankly, the broadband service provided by BT and Apple and Burger King and all them ones is cat. I live in Carland and it’s dung. There’s no one more frustrated than me of waiting for an image appear, horizontal slice by horizontal slice. It’s excruciating when trying to look at, like, you know, tractors and suchlike”, he said, shifting in his seat.

He went on,

“Things have to change. And we’re going to compel these big companies to make broadband much, much broader. That’s the thing, see. We need more broader broadband. That’s what we’re after. Broaderband in fact. That’s it. And then if you want Broadestband, maybe you pay a lock of extra pounds or something. Them BT boyos need to get up off their arses and get the bands widened. It can’t be that difficult. In fact, I have a couple of old scart cables lying in the attic doing hee haw. They can have them”.

 

Coming soon, to an exchange near you

Coming soon, to an exchange near you

Asked about his grasp of technical issues surrounding the challenges of extending internet connectivity, McMann said,

“Don’t talk to me about internet and Twitter accounts and fibre optics and all that. I know fibre when I see it. Jays, those Branflakes are packed full of the stuff, aren’t they? I had a quare bowl for breakfast yesterday morning and today it feels like I’m sitting on a elephant. In fact, would you excuse me for a few minutes?”

Returning a short time later, McMann continued with his theme.

“Yes, make no mistake, we’re going to organise a big demonstration outside the BT shop in Coalisland, with me at the front. Man of the people, that’s me. Banners and chants and all that”, he said proudly, before shouting at the top of his voice, “What do we want? More broadbands! When do want them? Now. Where do we want them? Inside them computer yolks”.

“I’m sorry, I think you’re going to have to excuse me again”.

 

paul g moss

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