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Witch-Ducking “Isn’t Always The Answer” Says Controversial Ardboe Man

A campaign to outlaw witch-ducking in parts of Ardboe by 2017 was met with disapproval from many quarters yesterday.

The little-known law, which was endured in the area for over 500 years, is planned to be repealed within the next three years by the courts, but met stiff opposition from locals who were disappointed at the news. The practice involves lowering suspected witches into Lough Neagh whilst strapped to a seat.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

“When the elders is the area decide that someone has contravened our local bye laws, that’s when we turn to The Stool”, explained village chieftain Methusala O’Neill.  “It’s grand for dispensing law and order, or just for when we’re bored and after a bit of craic. Last week there was this wummin from the Mullan Road who wouldn’t stop playing Hugo Duncan. On and on and on it went, for at least five minutes. Maybe even more. She went in The Stool. No messing.  Looked like a drowned rat when she came out. And the thing is, we all love Uncle Hugo round here”.

“And it’s not just the wemmin by the way”, he continued. “Men can go in the ducking stool. We’re very modern that way. Lucksee, just last week John Joe Quinn from the Ballygillen Road went in The Stool for having bandy legs. Everyone agreed they were fed up lookin’ at them. Up and down he went. Three times. Mighty”.

Reilly, off to catch her dinner

But controversial Ardboe man Hugh Loughran thinks it’s time for the practice to be stopped.

“I’m fed up with it. You should see the crowds. They’re mad for it. Out in their thousands. It’s like Philomena’s turned up. This ducking business is out of date. If people want entertainment why can’t they just do a local Strictly Come Dancing, same as everyone else?”

Questioned whether or not witch-ducking was a practice that belonged in another century, O’Neill was quick to respond.

“We’re not savages you know. Nobody gets drownded. Calm yerself. We always make sure they’re safely strapped in when we send them to the bottom of the freezing Lough waters. We’re very health and safety conscious round here. They always get a towel when they come out. It’s a bit like water boarding combined with a trip down the water slide at Dungannon Leisure Centre. And probably just as cold”.

Maureen Reilly, a self-confessed witch from Ruskey Road, said,

“I’d be devastated if they took The Stool away. It’s the only way I can get cheap eels as long as I’m quick. It’s part of the way of life round here. You can feck off with yer mobility phones and yer teleradios. Leave the stool alone. They’ll be wanting to outlaw our iron maiden next. Jaysus”.

In other news, Donaghmore is expected to outlaw tickle torture next year.

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Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.

Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.

“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”

Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:

“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”

The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.

 

County’s Youth To Turn Wrath Towards Bieber, Banks, Bono, Piers Morgan And Derry After Thatcher/Paisley Era

Outsider Bono

Outsider Bono at 14-1

A county referendum has been called for late 2014 after youths admitted to feeling a bit lost and confused since yesterday’s news that the Reverend Ian Paisley had passed on to his eternal reward.

With Thatcher, Paisley and Rangers FC out of the picture, many young nationalists are now turning their attention to international celebrities for an outlet to vent anger and rage, much to the disappointment of the older generation who claim there is still plenty of home talent to target. Chairperson of the Tyrone Youth Committee Malachy Bradley announced there will be a county-wide vote before Christmas to decide who will take on the role of hate figure for today’s teenagers:

“Yes, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth to see our young ones walking about without a care in the world. They’re just graffiting their own names and stuff. We need to decide quickly on the next hate figure before we’ve lost them completely to apathy.”

A straw poll this morning in Cookstown saw a number of names emerge from the international celebrity circuit including Justin Bieber and Piers Morgan with only a few identifying Pat Kenny and Mrs Brown as possible targets. Bradley maintains it doesn’t have to be a case of looking beyond our own shores:

“County Derry is always there. Back in the 50s we used to write all kinds of stuff on walls about Draperstown and Ballinderry people. Then there’s always the safe option of Brolly or Spillane. We need to think carefully about this. The banks are too obvious and a poor price anyway at 5-1 each way.”

Other high profile candidates include Willie Frazer, the midges around Lough Neagh, Louis Walsh, traffic wardens and Ryanair who are 3-1f in Toals Bookmakers.

Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes

Penny chews

Penny chews

Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.

The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:

“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.

Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:

“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”

Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.

The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.

Embarrassment As Ardboe Man Accidentally Buys Own House On Internet

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A lack of communication between a husband and wife in Ardboe resulted in a man successfully purchasing his own house on the internet.

Gerard and Patricia Cush had been considering down-sizing their home in Ardboe to something smaller in the nearby vicinity, when 56-year old Gerard Cush made a bid after spotting what he believed was the house of his dreams advertised on-line. However, the ‘property of a lifetime’ he had unwittingly stumbled upon was actually his own house that his wife had added to the intranet the day before.

“I saw this deadly house for sale in the ‘much sought-after up-and-coming west end of Ardboe’”, said Cush. “ Well, I didn’t know where that was, but it sounded quare”. He went on to explain how he was caught out because there were no exterior photographs of the property. “Aye, Pat’s no fool. She put in the ad that internal viewing was recommended, because to be frank the house looks feckin’ awful from the outside. The house is gradually subsiding into the Lough. We’ve practically got ducks swimming around the bed. So you see I only saw the inside photos”.

Dream property, by the lough shore

Dream property, by the lough shore

He went on, “But even then, I didn’t recognise the place. Jays, the wife had done some amount of tidying up. Last time I saw the kitchen work surface as clean as that was the day it went in. And the bathroom looked amazin’ hi. She must have got rid of that big pile of toe nail clippings that was on the windowsill. To be fair it was starting to block out the sunlight. And I never even knew the toilet was white until I saw them photos. It was glistening”.

Patricia admitted that she had to take some considerable licence when describing the property.

“Well ,that’s as maybe, but it doesn’t forgive that buck eejit from buying his own damn house. Clean work surface in the kitchen? What does he know about it? He never goes in there. Anyway, I suppose I did go over the top a bit, but that’s what everyone does”. She went on, “I had said it had four bedrooms, even although the fourth one is really the airing cupboard. Quite a small one at that. And ‘genuine water feature’ was probably taking things a bit far with all that water from the lough bubbling in through the aerial socket in the living room. Some handlin’. This whole thing’s been a complete shambles from beginning to end to be honest. In fact, a bit like our house”, she said.

A rueful Mr Cush said,

“I paid a non-refundable deposit to the website of £2,500. The advert said it was a dream home. I wish I could bloody wake up now”.

Man Finally Sells Choc Ice At Washinbay Resort After 24 Years. Retires.

chocolate-peanut-butter-ice-cream-012The man who walks up and down the shores of Lough Neagh selling handbags, sunglasses and mineral, despite there being no customers since 1990, has finally made a sale after Fr Fay bought a Choc-Ice for £1 yesterday evening. 

Pat Quinn celebrated the windfall by buying ten 10p mix-ups at Falls’ shop, giving two to his wife Brenda.

Washingbay resort, which used to see thousands flock to from all over Europe to bathe in the icy eely waters, closed its doors to the public 24 years ago in preparation for the failed lignite excavations. Quinn, however, failed to give up on his sideline of selling useful goods to bathers and excited children and roamed the shore from 3pm-9pm every day since, rain, hail or dull.

An elated Quinn added:

“I’m ecstatic. I haven’t sold a thing since 1990 as no one comes here any more. I can’t describe the loneliness of it all. But I knew some day someone would cross my path and wasn’t it divine intervention – Fr Fay. He says he was just checking the area to make sure young ones weren’t curting in cars and hedges. I don’t give a damn what he was at – he bought a Choc-Ice. I’m retiring today.”

Fr Fay maintains this was just the start of a cleaning up of morals and standards in today’s youth in East Tyrone. From the front door of his mansion he told us:

“It’s a back to basics approach. All I see now is young ones walking about probably looking for courting and stuff wearing shorts and vests and winking. In my day I was in the bog stooling away or saying the rosary. I’ll put the romance out of them. I’ll be in the Greenvale this weekend and I’ll not hesitate to step in if I recognise one of my parishioners facing someone from another parish.”

Fr Fay added that the Choc-Ice was alright just.

It’s Official! Every Family In Tyrone Has Received A Grant For Something

Terence McNeill - Rooster Whisperer

Terence McNeill – Rooster Whisperer

The final family yet to receive a grant have announced that a £3000 cheque arrived this morning for the upkeep of a badger sanctuary in their garden. This news means that every family in Tyrone have now received a grant for something in the last ten years, ranging from ‘keeping an eye on Lough Neagh for invaders’ to ‘looking after the Strabane Christmas Tree’.

Economic sceptic Professor Harry Brown maintains this handing out of money for anything has to stop.

“I thought I’d seen it all until I met Paddy Grant from Brocagh last week. He told me he’d received a grant for being a Grant. Then there was Mary Shackleton up near Glenelly who pocketed £5000 for speaking three words in Irish every day – ‘tá mé anseo’ (I am here). She’s originally from Plymouth in England and lives alone apart from a wild cat that visits. That’s just madness.”

Professor Brown appears to be in the minority though as several awardees came forward this morning to defend their funding. Noel McGrinn from Dromore explained:

“The professor should learn to wind his neck in and maybe research a wee bit as to why these grants are handed out. For example, I get £1500 a year for making sure I preserve a small patch of grass around my back that a local holy woman claims St Patrick urinated on during his travels across Tyrone. There were no toilets in those days so her ‘vision’ might actually be true. I think that’s money well spent by the Department of Granting and we’re preserving a small bit of Ulster culture.”

The highest award this year was for Drummurrer handy man Terence McNeill who received £30’000 for pacifying local roosters and hens by singing soothing lullabys like Humpty Dumpty and Three Blind Mice.

Moortown Firefighters Rescue Duck From Lough Neagh

image

The Ballyronan Duck

As onlookers burst into a round of spontaneous applause, ten Moortown firefighters finally rescued a duck from the Lough after a 4 hour ordeal this morning.

The duck, thought to be from the Ballyronan area, was reported to authorities at 9am this morning by a woman out walking her four Labradors on the Ardboe Road.

Eleanor Quinn identified a worried look from the duck and quickly made the 999 call before it drifted out any further.

“I knew by the look of it that it was in a spot of bother. It sort of had a frown and the quacks were of a tired nature – like as if it had been out there for hours maybe even days. I know that the Lough can eventually lead to the Atlantic Ocean and people wouldn’t have batted an eyelid to see it float down the Bann. I knew I had to act now.”

The rescue operation, which involved an old disused fishing boat and a £1 net for catching frog spawn, took over four hours to complete such was the duck’s reluctance to trust the boat full of ten uniformed local men.

“Yes the duck was stubborn. We debated shooting it with a tranquilizer dart but with the eyes of the world on us we went the humanitarian way. Fortunately the duck finally saw sense and flew back to Ballyronan.”

There will be a parade through Moortown tonight in honour of the courageous firefighters who admit this was the first bit of action they have experienced since Brian McGuigan got his head stuck in a barrel in 2006.

False Alarm As Whales Washed Up On Lough Neagh Beach Are Just Two Local Men Bathing

Not a whale

Not a whale

Two Derrylaughan brothers, Kenny and Kieran McAliskey, were said to be a bit annoyed after they were mistaken for two whales which sparked an international environmental storm. Both have since signed up for Slimming World in Dungannon.

The global incident was first reported after dog-walker Malachy Hamill spotted the two carcasses on the shoreline at 10am down by the Washingbay, a former continental sunbathing resort. Hamill, who claims to have 20/20 vision despite his 77 years, immediately phoned the parish priest, Irish News and BBC NI with his findings before heading home to find his binoculars.

“I was afeard of approaching them in case they got angry. But they definitely looked like two hefty whales with blubber wobbling all over the place.”

Fr McKinstry was on the scene within minutes and began a rosary with 15 women who follow his car about, ‘for the safe return to America or wherever the beasts came from’ according to chief prayer Lisa Mullan. Mullan added:

“Then all of a sudden the whales got up and rubbed themselves with towels and got into the car. We thought it was a miracle and a rake of the women fainted. It was only after Kenny wound down the window as he passed by and called us a bunch of praying perverts that the penny dropped. I’m not sure what happened here but it might be a miracle. Fr McKinstry is building a whale grotto just in case the Vatican gives it the nod.”

Kenny McAliskey admits it’s a wake-up call:

“If there’s anything that will encourage you to lose weight it’s being reported by Wendy Austin on BBC Radio Ulster as resembling a whale. I sort of got my eyes opened there. We ate a lot of Chineses lately.”

Meanwhile Lough Neagh Rescue Centre have confirmed that it’s impossible for a whale to come up the Bann to the Lough.

Mass Rioting In Tyrone Over Brooks Cancellation

Cookstown, an hour ago

Cookstown, an hour ago

Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.

UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,

Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:

“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”

When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.

Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.

Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.

Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.

Ballinderry On High Alert After Derry Championship Exit

This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials

This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials

UN peace-keeping troops are said to be gearing themselves for the worst after Derry prematurely exited the Championship after losing to Longford. Tensions in Ballinderry, which straddles Derry and Tyrone, were said to be simmering late last night with reports of smirking and winking from the Tyrone ones at a higher level than usual. UN officials have warned that they’ll blow up the bridge if it cuts up rough.

The parish, which survived a failed coup by Tyrone last year, has this morning been flooded with vans from news outlets across the globe incuding Sky, CNN and BBC. The Lord Mayor of Lough Neagh, Derryman Leo Salmon, has urged both sides to display a high level of maturity or at least wait until Louth play Tyrone next weekend:

“This time of the year is always tense, sometimes worse than the marching stuff. I witnessed myself the antagonistic activities of the Tyrone ones last night, pretending to be overly nice to the Derry ones in the bar and asking if they wanted a pint whilst smirking. They know what they’re at. If this continues into today it’s inevitable we’ll be dealing with a slapping session. It’s the first slap we need to prevent.”

Ballinderry man but Tyrone supporter Kevin McGurk is adamant there will be no trouble from his side:

“We feel their pain. We really do. I think we went out in June one time too. Back in 1955. “

he said walking off and laughing like a hyena.

Meanwhile, Louth GAA have revealed they sold 5000 jerseys online last night with the bulk of the sales coming from Dungiven, Loup, Swatragh and Bellaghy. This was very much in evidence this morning when reportedly 80% of the congregation at St Patrick’s Church in The Loup doned Louth jerseys during mass.

Children ‘Cursing Like Mad’ Today After Dunphy Slip-Up

Omagh lad asking what time it is, today

Omagh lad asking what time it is, today

Following Eamon Dunphy’s four letter word slip-up yesterday live on RTE during their World Cup coverage, parents and teachers across Ulster have reported a rise in bad language today in homes and schools, highlighting the popularity of both football and Eamon Dunphy.

Dunphy, who has since made two apologies for his error, believed the cameras were off air before he offered his opinion on Neymar’s penalty kick for Brazil against Croatia. Headmaster Michael McGlone indicated that it is too late for his class of P6s from Greencastle, at the bottom of the Sperrin Mountains:

“Ah, I know mistakes can happen but Holy Jaysus this morning has been an eye-opener for me in terms of the power and influence TV has over youngster these days. At 8:45am, on his way in to the school, our head boy and chief altar helper said to me ‘Master, I’m hope there’s no fuckin homework today as it’s fuckin hot again out there’. This boy hasn’t cursed since birth.”

It’s not just in the classroom that colourful language has been on the increase, as mother of three Julie O’Neill from Brocagh on the shores of Lough Neagh explained:

“The children were up watching RTE last night as we’re big Mexico fans because we love their food, especially all that taco shit. We paid no heed to the slip-up last night and assumed the children had not heard it. Well, this morning I overhead my two youngest Peter (6) and Mary (5) fuckin and blindin away about the Corn Flakes. I thought two work men were in that kitchen, not my precious angels. Eamon Dunphy, you’re one fuckin bollocks!”

Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that Dunphy will tour Ireland to visit schools to promote ‘Say No To Bad Fuckin Language’ although the tour’s risky title is still under review.

 

Lough Neagh’s ‘Speedgoat’ Business Folds

DSC00908 copy

Patsy Cush and Graham the goat on his maiden ride

After only one week in operation, the Lough Neagh Speedgoat Company have closed due to multiple unforeseen difficulties.

The initiative, which received backing from the European Funding Association, suffered immediate teething problems when Gregory, their flagship goat, refused to enter the water due to the extremely cold temperature of the lough. Company CEO, Janet Donnelly, admitted it’s back to the drawing board for Lough Neagh money making ideas:

“We honestly thought the idea of speedgoats would see people flock to Lough Neagh from afar a field as Colombia or Sudan. It turns out goats aren’t deadly swimmers. We did managed to find one named Graham who didn’t mind the water that much but didn’t really move much. In fact, he just floated there looking a bit confused.”

The Lough Neagh Speedgoat Company called it a day after their three water-friendly goats found themselves constantly brawling with the lough’s natural residents such as eels, minks, pollan and midges.

“It wasn’t going to make much money. Children were sort of afraid of the whole concept and they were our target audience. Patsy Cush thought his ride was class but he was a lone voice and he has always been easily amused. The money is still there though so we’ll get thinking about new business ventures on the lough.”

Brocagh Primary School have recently run a competition for ideas on how to improve tourism on the lough. Suggestions have included:

  • floating competitions
  • dragon boat racing
  • underwater rugby
  • aqua aerobics
  • reality show on water about fishing with phone votes and stuff

 

Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People

Soviet_mayones_jar_250_ml copyA Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.

The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.

Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.

“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”

Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:

“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”

Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.

 

 

 

 

 

Derry To Hand Moneymore, Ballyronan And The Loup Over To Tyrone

By Fr Riddle Lynn (guest journalist from portglenone.wordpress.com)

Moneymore from a distance

Moneymore from a distance

There was great wailing and gnashing of what was left of teeth along both sides of the Derry/Tyrone border this week after an unauthorised and possibly nefarious offer was made by a Bann Valley based website to hand over large sections of the Barony of Loughinsholin to the custody of the O’Neill County.

The exchange would see the village of Moneymore, the hamlet of Ballyronan and an unidentified entity described simply as, ‘The Loup’, secede immediately without any local consultation or financial compensation. A spokesperson for the website concerned explained;

“Luxy, we see this as the beginning of a rolling process. A quick look (very quick look) at the Annals of Ulster clearly shows that the entire barony was originally under control of the Earls of Tyrone and this is borne out in the nomenclature we still see today. Take for example the village of Glenone, the townland of Ballyfrankiequinn and there is a fella in Maghera who is sometimes called, ‘Hugh Roe’.

The spokesman denied accusations linked to 30 year old emails which were forwarded anonymously to Tyrone Tribulations that the entire plan was an elaborate feint aimed at giving away large parts of County Derry until the only two Gaelic football teams left in the senior championship would be St. Oliver Plunkett’s of Greenlough and Newbuildings outfit, St. Oliver Cromwell’s GAC.

“That’s a big pile a shite, we would never give up Bellaghy and risk losing its two principal natural resources, Starry Plough flags and potential poetry.”

We contacted our own legal team on the matter and they have advised us that nothing in law prevents such a transferral but cautioned that under a un-repealed bylaw of 1741, any such conveyance of territory would result in both counties being obliged to hand over their ‘Cladys’ to a third party, namely Armagh. That county’s solicitors, Diesel, Apples and Diesel, issued the following communique;

“We would be only too delighted to accommodate these villages within our boundaries. They would be such diverse additions to our already cosmopolitan collective. Tyrone’s Clady is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county whereas Clady in south Derry is a picturesque bubbling metropolis on the border of a third county!”

Understandably the good people of Tyrone (and the inhabitants of The Brantry) were more than a little suspicious that this deal seemed too good to be true but we have been assured that there is no catch. Portglenone.wordpress.com explained;

“In making this offer, we have only one small request and that is that we first be allowed to make a tiny alteration to the coastline of Lough Neagh…….

irp9

…..seems reasonable.”

Tyrone GAA Club Regrets Holding AGM In Pub

Windmill cheerleaders from 1959

Windmill cheerleaders from 1959

A recently reformed GAA club revealed they will run another AGM later in the month after a raft of ridiculous motions were passed whilst committee members drank the bar dry on the shores of Lough Neagh.

Windmill GAA, who once terrorised gaels across the county , held their first AGM in 35 years at The Battery Bar in Ardboe last Friday night, running from 9pm to 1am and then in someone’s house til 6am. It wasn’t until members woke up later on that day that they realised they would need to have a second go at the meeting.

Some of the motions passed initially but under review now are:

  • Rounding up a pile of women from the local roads on match days to act as cheerleaders for home games
  • Rename the club as the Windmill Corncrakes
  • Announcer calls out bingo numbers after every point is scored
  • Dancing nuns at half time
  • Encourage chanting in crowd..eg..’youse are dead’ etc.
  • Priest to throw ball in blindfolded and then has to make it off before he gets kicked
  • New club crest consisting of real cannibalism

Chairman Lenny McGuigan conceded they needed to return to the drawing board:

“Yes, to be honest I can’t remember any of those motions at all. We were blind drunk on brandy ball home brew. Let that be a lesson to all clubs across the county. Keep the AGM dry. But we used to have cheerleaders y’know.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA Central County have yet to ratify Windmill’s licence due to unresolved acts of depravity dating back to 1961.

Loch Ness Monster And Lough Neagh Monster Exchange Visit Not Going Well

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Monster

Monster from the Loch, wrecking about on the Lough

A number of locals along the Lough Shore have made several complaints to the PSNI following a series of disturbances caused by the visiting Loch Ness Monster.

The Loch Ness monster and the Lough Neagh Monster swapped locations for three weeks as part of a cultural exchange programme organised by UK Unite, a government initiative set up in 2012 to encourage regional communication and interaction between different social factions, such as schools, teenagers, and living dinosaurs.

Local woman Marian Jones, a paper plane aerialist from Ardboe, said,

“It’s a disgrace. That wee Lough Neagh Monster was never a bother, the shy wee thing. Come to think of it, you’d barely ever see it. Now that big Loch Ness thing has come into our quiet wee Lough, thrashing around, causing all sorts of hassle. There was all that handlin’ on the Lough the other weekend, with all them Girl Guides having to be rescued by boats and suchlike. They said it was because of the weather but it’s obvious it’s that buckin’ monster from Loch Ness, stirring up trouble”.

Tensions rose further after the monster allegedly ate three rowing boats and a jetty for its breakfast on Sunday.

 “It’s just greed and bad manners”, said Bernie McGinty, a balloon inflator from Cookstown. “We left it out a few cattle and a couple of volunteers from Coalisland to keep it going for a few days, and it just went and ignored it all. Obviously our volunteers aren’t good enough for the fancy Loch Ness Monster. And he can’t even spell his name right”.

Scottish representatives from Fort William in Scotland have made excuses for their monster, saying that it is finding the transition into adulthood a challenge.

 “Och aye”, said Hamish McTavish, “Wur Nessie’s going through a wee bitty of a difficult spell the noo. It’s nearly 4,000 years old, so it’s at that awkward age, ye ken. It’s very self-conscious aboot its body shape. Hoots mon”.

Local PSNI eventually succumbed to criticism for lack of action and issued an Asbo (anti-social behaviour order) on the monster. However, they encountered a number of difficulties trying to apply the ankle bracelet.

Education Board Release Unusual Tyrone GSCE Answers

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The Northern Ireland Education Authority have moved to raise the spirits of locals after the recent rainy weather by releasing some of the more surreal answers given to GSCE questions by a selection of Tyrone pupils.

Listed below are some of the answers:

Q. What is the correct name for a row of houses in Carrickmore joined together.
A. Terrorist Housing.

Q. What food was laid on for the Last Supper?
A. Probably black puddin and cabbage. It didn’t say.

Q. A new fashion business is opening in Omagh. Is Omagh a prime location for such a business?
A. No. Omagh people aren’t fashionable.

Q. As the crow flies, how many miles are there between Coalisland and Omagh?
A. With the new road, you don’t need a crow now.

Q. Can a man reproduce with only one testicle?
A. Can’t see it. Be hard to pull a woman in Sally’s.

Q. What is a female moth?
A. A myth

Q. Give an example of Intensive Farming in Loughmacrory?
A. It’s when oul McNabb won’t take a day off..

Q. Give an example of a wholesaler in Coalisland
A. It’s when Landi’s give you a whole fish instead of a shrimp.

Q. What do Mahatma Gandhi and Hugo Duncan have in common?
A. Unusual names.

Q. You live in Galbally. Name the 4 seasons.
A. Vinegar, salt, brown sauce and mustard.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink in the Torrent river?
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: Explain Global Warming
A: A load of bollocks says my daddy.

Q. What happened in Ireland in 1798?
A. Kerry won the All-Ireland, probably.

Q. Name five animals you would see wild in Brocagh
A. Four badgers and a mink

Q. Why would a telecommunicatons mast be bad for health in Killeeshil?
A. You might walk into it.

Q. How can you avoid flooding around Lough Neagh?
A. By placing a few big dames in it.

Q. If the traffic lights in Urney show red, what do you do?
A. Phone the police. Someone stole traffic lights.

Brocagh Man Bought Helicopter To Stare At Women, Court Told

Kirby walking the dog

Kirby walking the dog

There were scenes of shock amidst laughter in Dungannon Crown Court today after it was suggested to the jury that Paul Kirby, a 55-year old plasterer from Brocagh, bought a helicopter with the sole purpose of spying on women putting clothes out on the line. The case against Kirby has been brought about by ten women from the area who were increasingly convinced that the helicopter was not being used for ‘keeping an eye on invaders on Lough Neagh’ as Kirby was putting about. Imelda McGourty explained:

“The penny started to drop after the third or fourth time I saw this helicopter rising over the far hedge every time I bought clothes out to dry. It was too much of a coincidence. Then I remembered how oul Kirby would be walking the roads early in the morning. He was quite obviously listening out for washing machines and predicting when the clothes would be ready for the line. To give him his dues, he was spot on every time, the dirty oul bastard.:

McGourty’s neighbour, Kelly Davidson, was also in no doubt about Kirby’s intentions:

“I was sort of suspicious too about this thing rising up as soon as I brought the basket out. So I bought a pair of binoculars from Gumtree and managed to surprise oul Kirby by quickly looking up. I saw him, quite clearly, licking his lips and rubbing his hands together. No more proof needed. I now wear a boiler suit when sticking out the clothes, and no underwear will be hanging up too.”

Kirby denies the accusations and maintains he’s simply protecting the area from pirates across the lough:

“You try to do something good for Brocagh and this is the thanks you get. I’ve been keeping pirates from Antrim and Crumlin at bay by flying this thing. Have they ever been attacked by looting shipmen? No! That tells its own story. And anyway, as the modern man will tell you, a lot of men put clothes out on the line now. I see Benny Campbell’s skinny white legs out every morning – and that does nothing for me. Sometimes I just use it for walking the dog”

Kirby has been ordered to retire the Robinson R44 Raven until further notice.

Derrylaughan Caught Training Lough Neagh Midges In Cramped Conditions

The Midge Army

The Midge Army

Rumours of skulduggery in Derrylaughan were finally confirmed tonight as a police raid uncovered a midge-training camp on the shores of Lough Neagh. Neighbouring townlands had long suspected something untoward was going on down at the Washingbay, especially when it came to taking on the Kevin Barry’s football team in their patch. The PSNI pounced upon a disused barn at the corner and on kicking the door down found an estimated 900’000 midges being put through their paces by older members of the GAA club. Constable Molloy explained:

“We’d been receiving these complaints for years that the midges down there were attacking opposition players and supporters during games yet strangely none of the home crowd. We always put it down to the locals there having a distinctive odour which naturally repelled the creatures. Well, it turns out that things are much more sinister than that. We uncovered an evil training regime where the midges, living in what can be described as inhumane conditions, were being cajoled into attacking members of the opposition. This was achieved by watching videos of opposing players and making the midges fly straight into the TV screen by rubbing the screen with fish oil. Come match day and the tired and emotional midges were automatically biting away at the opposition in their colours.”

Further investigations were underway regarding the deployment of the bigger flies experienced down there, locally called the ‘pollan fly’, named after the fish distinctive to the Lough. Early signs indicate that special fertiliser was being used to make them bigger, offering the locals a quick, free and relatively tasty snack during these times of high unemployment and near-poverty.

“Yes, it appears that they’ve been getting the pollan flies to eat steroids. That’s why they’re so big this year and scaring non-locals from the area. The Derrylaughan folk have taken to eating the flies as a filler between meals. We’ve no qualms about their entrepreneurialship but we’ll have to start taxing them. You can’t just get food for free. It’ll kill businesses like Falls’ Shop or Springisland. I’ve seen lads freewheeling down hills with their mouths open, getting a bellyful of pollan flies instead of a wholesome meal at home. It cannot be good for you in the long term.”

Five Midges’ Rights activists will protest tomorrow night at the Washingbay against the cruel captivity of nearly a million midges. Reports this morning also suggest that a renegade group of midges have broken away and are causing havoc elsewhere.

paul g moss

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