Patsy Cush and Graham the goat on his maiden ride

After only one week in operation, the Lough Neagh Speedgoat Company have closed due to multiple unforeseen difficulties.

The initiative, which received backing from the European Funding Association, suffered immediate teething problems when Gregory, their flagship goat, refused to enter the water due to the extremely cold temperature of the lough. Company CEO, Janet Donnelly, admitted it’s back to the drawing board for Lough Neagh money making ideas:

“We honestly thought the idea of speedgoats would see people flock to Lough Neagh from afar a field as Colombia or Sudan. It turns out goats aren’t deadly swimmers. We did managed to find one named Graham who didn’t mind the water that much but didn’t really move much. In fact, he just floated there looking a bit confused.”

The Lough Neagh Speedgoat Company called it a day after their three water-friendly goats found themselves constantly brawling with the lough’s natural residents such as eels, minks, pollan and midges.

“It wasn’t going to make much money. Children were sort of afraid of the whole concept and they were our target audience. Patsy Cush thought his ride was class but he was a lone voice and he has always been easily amused. The money is still there though so we’ll get thinking about new business ventures on the lough.”

Brocagh Primary School have recently run a competition for ideas on how to improve tourism on the lough. Suggestions have included:

• floating competitions
• dragon boat racing
• underwater rugby
• aqua aerobics
• reality show on water about fishing with phone votes and stuff