A Creggan man who set up a business offering to rid houses of troublesome ghosts had mixed success with his first assignment earlier today at a house in Lissan.
Plunkett Hamill was called to the property this morning to deal with a noisy poltergeist after 56-year old housewife Finnuala Loughran responded to an advert Hamill had placed in the Tyrone Times which read,
‘Call Ghost-Oh-Buster to rid your home of scary other-worldly forces, like demons, devils and dwarves. Experienced with witches, ghouls, goblins, munchkins and much more. Two-for-one deal on exorcisms during July’.
Hamill said he arrived at the house to find the poltergeist in full flow.
“Aye, there was this really loud ghostly rattling in the pipes and radiators, really angry like, making lots of clanking and knocking noises. It happened every time the central heating came on. Terrifying, but I ain’t afraid of no ghost”.
However, Loughran’s exasperated husband, John Joe, raged:
“I’ve told her a hundred times but she won’t listen. The only thing those damned radiators need is a bleed key but I can’t find it. Poltergeist my arse. To be honest I haven’t the energy for this. I had a huge vindaloo out the Rupali in Cookstown last night and can barely move. In the meantime I have that bollix wreckin’ about the house”. He continued, “He’s an eejit. He waltzed in pretending to be one the boys out of that Ghostbusters movie, wearing a rucksack with a fire extinguisher in it and a pair of swimming goggles on his head. Clift”.
Hamill had a different view.
“Blocked pipes? Never”, he insisted. “It wasn’t just the noise, it was the smell too. I was tip-toeing along the hallway hunting out the poltergeist, and I started to notice this really foul stench, really powerful, like something evil from the very depths of hell itself had manifested itself in the house. It was just outside the toilet. Jaysus, my eyes were doing some deadly watering. I kept going, but I think it must have sensed me and left the house, because the smell went away once I opened a window. Explain that”.
Hamill also spent several hours this afternoon examining a strange substance which he initially believed to be ‘solidified ectoplasm’, which turned out to be a half-eaten naan broad.
Farmers across the country made over a hundred complaints following the start of a new on-line channel specifically aimed at the farming market, called Ewe Tube.
Brainchild of IT programmer Danny McCann from Sion Mills, the subscription-based internet service went live at the weekend, promising ‘news and views, farms and fields, walking and wellies’ to subscribers. However, many viewers were left feeling disappointed and patronised by the service.
“I was expecting to get a Tyrone version of Countryfile”, fumed farmer Dessie Dillon from near Creggan. “Instead he just had sheep photos and videos off the internet, which included a sheep rolling over a cattle grid, a sheep wearing a Tyrone jersey, and a sheep sneezing. How can he call that ‘news and views’, the hoor? I want my £1.49 back. It’s a disgrace. Although the sheep sneezing was pure class”, he admitted.
Sean McKillop, a farmer from Altmore, also voiced his dissatisfaction.
“I spent a week installing one of thon new fangled dial-up connections for the computer yolk so I could watch it”, he complained. “But the stuff they had on was cat. And by that I mean sheep. Danny McCann? Danny Mc-Bloody-Can’t as far as I’m concerned. All it had on was endless picters of sheep. What’s the point of that? I wouldn’t have minded so much if there had been a few good-looking ones. Is he going to do one with cows, maybe Fresians?” he asked hopefully.
McCann had to defend other criticisms, including plagiarising the channel’s name from a weak joke that had been doing the rounds for years, and of publishing pictures of new born lambs frolicking in a field alongside a recipe for lamb bhuna curry.
“Look, this is what viewers want”, he insisted. “This is a first in Tyrone and the world. It’s unique. I’ve had lots of positive feedback on it so far, so they can shove their criticism. In fact, maybe that should be, ‘ewe-nique’”, he said, before braying with laughter at his own joke.
This weekend will see the launch of a new pay-per-view service, ‘Ram-Cam’.