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Loom Bands To Feature At Unofficial ‘T In The Parkanaur’ Music Festival

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Tickets have gone on sale for an unofficial music festival to be held in one of Tyrone’s premier beauty spots.

‘T in the Parkanaur’ in the brainchild of Gerard Donnelly from Dungannon, who decided to stage the event after hearing of the rapid success of loom bands with young people and spotting a gap in the market.

“Jays, they’re mad for the loom bands, so they are”, said Donnelly. “It’s all I ever hear about. But you never hear of loom bands playing many gigs, do you?” he challenged. “Maybe they’re just shy wee craters. Anyway, that’s why we’re doing this music festival. The cubs’ll go mental for the loom bands. The public gets what the public wants, so they do”.

He continued,

“And it’s not just the loom bands. There’s others too. We’re going to get Eminem as long as he promises to cut out the swearin, and Miley Cyrus, although to be honest I preferred her dad. And we’ve got one of the biggest Irish superstars you can think of. The biggest. Guaranteed. I can’t tell you who it is but let’s just say if she comes along she might just need to lay a blanket on the ground”, he said with a wink. “But honestly”, he went on. “She will need to bring a blanket. The facilities are going to be a bit limited”.

Preparations well underway

Preparations well underway

Controversially, Donnelly confirmed that the ‘T’ in the title doesn’t stand for Tennents, who sponsor of the hugely popular annual ‘T in the Park’ event, based in Scotland.

“No, I spoke to them but they weren’t interested”, said Donnelly. “Not in touch with the young ‘uns,see? No, the T stands for Toilet. Never enough bogs at these music festivals. We’re going to have hundreds of them wee cubicles. If we didn’t we’d have to call it ‘P in the Park’. Get it?! Ye boy ye!”

Asked about the parking, the catering, or if in fact permission had even been sought from Parkanaur, Donnelly was evasive.

“That’s all work in progress. These things take time. Let’s just say there are a few wee things to iron out. Listen, everyone was mitherin’ about it going maybe going tits up with the Garth Brooks concerts in Dublin, and it all ended up fine, didn’t it?

“Honestly, there’s nothing to worry about. There’ll be no stopping us. Not once we get started”.

 

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The Moy ‘Deadly Sad’ This Morning

The Moy, an hour ago

The Moy, an hour ago

The Moy, a south-east Tyrone hamlet famous for being near Benburb, was this morning said to be in total depair after their senior football side were narrowly defeated by nine points in their semi-final yesterday. Only one local resident has ventured out of their house so far today to buy bread and stuff. She reportedly gave the fingers to a car that beeped at her, suspecting it to be an Eglish rapscallion.

Gregory Jordan, a 49 year old Far-East Christmas pantomime villain, reckons it’ll take a long time to get over this:

“This is worse than I dreaded it would be. We really thought this was the year. 1920. 19 buckin 20 was our last title. There’s a boy up the road there who says he remembers it. He’s in his 70s so it’s quite possible. He always says that in 1921 there was a curse put on the area by a witch doctor from Charlemont after an altercation between himself and the local PP over who wrote the words of ‘Blanket On The Ground’. I’m starting to believe in it. This is cat. I’d made 600 paper hats for the final with ‘The Moy Are Lethal’ on them. I’d say we’ll not recover from this til about 6pm or so.”

Local communities have since rallied around with supplies of spuds, joke books and toilet rolls delivered by the good people of Killyman on a big lorry. Donaghmore’s Malachi Cush has promised to take part in a ‘Cheer Up’ concert, committing himself to singing a rap version of the aforementioned ‘Blanket On The Ground’.

Susan McKearney, a 71-year old Gospel reader, acknowledged the goodwill gestures from neighbours:

“It’s very thoughtful. But it’ll take more than Cush rapping, Andrex Puppies and Kerr’s Pinks to get over those Carmen hoors’.

Moy PRO was unable to comment as he’s somewhere ‘on the continent’.

Wave Of Anger Over Brolly Comments To Be Turned Into Renewable Energy

Portable Generator

Portable Generator

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

County Tyrone GAA fans could be hooked up to wind turbines in an effort to harness the tidal wave of energy in the county created over the comments made by Joe Brolly, the former player and RTE commentator.

Drumnakilly professor of science and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill, said,

“After having observed the gnashing of the teeth, tearing of clothes, frantic text messaging and general wreckin’ about of the typical Tyrone fan brought on by the mere thought of yer man Brolly, I thought to myself, these boys could do wonders if we plugged them into the national grid”.

The negative comments made by Brolly following Tyrone’s quarter-final win against Monaghan brought forth a backlash of anger and resentment amongst Tyrone residents not seen since 1975, when Philomena reached only number 5 in the Irish Charts with Blanket on The Ground.

O’Neill found a way of tapping into the enormous outpouring of fury and anger following Brolly’s comments made about the playing style of Sean Cavanagh during the quarter-final Monaghan v Tyrone match two weeks ago.

“It’s quite straightforward”, said Drumnakilly scientist and inventor Wolfgang O’Neill. “We gaffa-taped a volunteer Tyrone fan from Kildress to a portable generator, showed him a picture of Joe Brolly, and Jaysus, you should have watched the feckin’ thing go. It was generating so much power I thought at one point we were going to go back in time. It nearly melted. There’s nothing more dangerous than an avenged Tyrone fan”.

The Tyrone fan used for the experiment, life-long Tyrone supporter Mark Carlin, a 27 year old hand washer from Tullyallen, said,

“I wasn’t sure at first, especially when they told me where they wanted to stick the adapter to connect me to the generator. But once it was all set up and I saw a picture of that miserable oul’ bollix, I could just feel myself getting the rage, and hey presto, within minutes I had produced enough electricity to watch a whole episode of The Weakest Link. Class”.

Since hooking himself up to the portable generator in his home, Carlin reported that he has managed to make himself toast, boil some spuds, and record Wife Swap, all powered from his own physical convulsions brought on at the mention of Brolly.

O’Neill predicts that one Tyrone fan watching the You Tube clip of Brolly on a continuous loop could power Newmills for a month, whilst a personal appearance by Brolly in the County could keep Pomeroy in electric light for up to a year.

A picture of Jarlath Burns was also tried out but that only made the housewives swoon.

Moy To Drop ‘The’

NTIMLA (No The In Moy Liberation Army) leader Calum Donakey issued a chilling warning as it emerged yesterday that Moy have lodged detailed plans to the UK Deed Poll Service regarding the use of ‘the’ in common everyday mention of Moy. This move comes after an elongated campaign by The Moy villagers to prefix every other townland or hamlet in Tyrone with ‘the’, sometimes resulting in bloodbath on the roads and loanans in the county. Just last week, UTV Live highlighted the mass brawl in The Moy after ‘The Eglish’ was scrawled on a gable wall on the Terryglassog Road. Eglish natives descended on the home-patch of their neighbours in their thousands, declaring war on anyone with red paint on their hands or those ‘with a bad eye in their head’ which included the majority of the hamlet. 32 people were taken to hospital with pike wounds.

Tensions were high

“Lose The The” spokesperson and ex-county player Phillipe Jardin told us:

“We’re sick to the back teeth of people taking the mickey with our names. At school all Moy people were bullied by munchies and townies alike, calling us things like ‘the Phillipe from the Moy’ an all, even the bastard teachers. At the start it was a bit of craic with only the Blackwatertown boys saying it but even RTE have adopted the ‘the’ and its busting all our balls, even the women. Look at the signpost fer feck sakes.”

NTIMLA Militant Calum Donakey added:

“No more. From here on in, until the UK Deeds shower enforce the verbal abolition of ‘the’, we see anyone using ‘the’ with ‘Moy’ as a legitimate target. We have the support of the people. An Maigh Abu”

before bursting into a rendition of ‘Blanket on the Ground‘, their signature tune.
The Rock are monitoring the situation with interest.

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