After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan.
The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.
The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.
Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:
“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”
The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.
Locals remain unconvinced.
by Plunkett McJunket
Due to the rapid increase of wind turbines being built in Tyrone in recent years, it has been confirmed that it will be the first entire county to be airlifted on a journey to Mars by June 2019.
The wind turbines will be turned up to full power, with the number of windmills simultaneously spinning set to airlift the Red Hand county to its new home on the Red Planet.
American tycoon Elon Musk and his company SpaceX have stepped in to fund the ambitious project in order to avoid any governmental delays in approving another infrastructure project.
“I’m delighted to support this fantastic initiative for the world and the people of Tyrone County. Their settlement on Mars as the first humans on the planet will be something to look forward to, even though I have trouble understanding what they’re saying”.
At the press conference in the Strule Arts Centre we heard people asking “Here lad where can I get meself and the cub a ticket for this aul airliftin’ windmill yoke?” as well as “Why do they call ye Musk? Sure there’s no smell atall off ye!” A bewildered Mr. Musk relied heavily on local translators from Gortin for assistance at the event.
Local residents in the county are said to be delighted at the change of scenery and the chance to explore new territory from the comfort of their own county. With a lack of rain in the weather forecast on Mars along with most water frozen underground, Tyrone County Finals would go ahead with waterlogged pitches becoming a thing of the past.
Industry leaders in the screening and crushing industry are delighted at the opportunities on Mars. A representative of a major screener firm was quoted as saying
“Jez boys we’re flyin’ now hi! We’re already the best in the world here so now we’ll be the best on thon planet too!”.
To facilitate the ambitious move of County Tyrone to Mars, traffic diversions along with digital signage on asteroids along the route will be in place. A police escort of the windturbine-powered land mass will also be deployed to ensure space traffic congestion is reduced as much as possible.
A launch event is being planned when the county arrives featuring a low gravity jiving country jamboree and Mars rover diffing competition. The first cut of turf is expected in late July 2019.
In a bid to widen the net for future Red Hand talent, it is understood that Mickey Harte will not stand in the way of a bid by sponsors McAleer and Rushe to build a water-mining plant on Mars, in a joint venture with fellow former sponsors Rocwell who will bottle ‘Red Water’ for public consumption on Earth and, eventually, Mars.
In a further complication, former county sponsors WJ Dolan have tendered a rival bid to construct the mining device although it is understood they have a preference for Perrier as bottlers, who have fancier offices in the Moy.
NASA Ireland marketing manager Hugh Armstrong admitted it was a tough call for Harte:
“Mickey will always go with the current regime. And to be fair, McAleer put together an attractive package with the entertaining one-way ticket option. They plan on having a public vote to decide who goes, with the favourites being Joe Brolly, Pat Spillane, Hugo Duncan, Julian from UTV, wasps, frackers, hackers, Derry ones, Armagh ones, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys and traffic wardens.”
1990s sponsors Powerscreen are reportedly coming on board and promise to eventually build a massive conveyor belt from Dungannon to Mars so workers can get there and back within a year and a half.
“You’d like to think that down the line Brand Tyrone will become such a well-known institution on Mars through the Rocwell initiative that we’ll maybe be able to avail of the first few martians born on the planet, especially for the troubled corner back positions.”
The Tyrone County Board have moved to distance themselves from rumours suggesting plans for a Mars ‘red diesel’ production plant have already been passed by a well-known business in the county.