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Madonna Twitter Row Sees East and West Tyrone Relations Plummet To All-Time Low

Incident divided Tyrone

Incident divided Tyrone

What started out as a harmless comment on Twitter concerning Madonna’s fall at an awards ceremony during the week has turned nasty with a clear West v East split emerging from the online spat.

Omagh teacher Pat Dougan (@horseitintoye) initiated the debate when he innocently tweeted

“Holy smokes, Madonna fell there on the TV”

at 9:45 on Wednesday night. Within minutes, tension escalated quickly when Mary Farrell (@badgerlass) from Brocagh replied at 9:46:

@horseitintoye Nice comment there, Mr Obvious

Unable to ignore the slight, Dougan retorted:

@badgerlass How about you learn some manners, ye prick

Which led to the following dialogue:

@horseitintoye – Ah, shut up ye grumpy oul bollocks

@badgerlass –  You’re some girl. Typical Brocagh woman

@horseitintoye – Say it til my face ye slabber

@badgerlass –  Yiz are all the same down there. Tramps.

@horseitintoye I’ll go up there and bate the bollix off a ye

@badgerlass – aye, in yer horse and cart. Don’t bring yer diseases please

@horseitintoye – aye, yer ma is yer sister, dick. Westie pansy.

@badgerlass – stupid hoor.

The high-stakes dialogue continued until after midnight with over 300 twitter users weighing in behind either Dougan or Farrell, with landmarks (e.g. Ardboe Cross v the Tin Men), footballers (e.g. Frank McGuigan v Ryan McMenamin), politicians (e.g.Michelle O’Neill v Barry McElduff) petrol prices and weather all used as weapons in the heated exchanges.

With no let up in the argument the following morning, and amidst threats of ‘arriving up with a crowd of our ones‘ from both sides, Twitter was moved to suspend over 700 accounts from the county for 24 hours in order to dampen emotions and calm the situation.

The Tyrone Tourism Board are to meet this evening to brainstorm ideas on how to repair east v west relations, with a ‘sharing and exchange of home-made gifts’ somewhere near the Ballygawley roundabout the firm favourite.

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Celebrities Fight To Turn On First Ardboe Christmas Lights

Clooney for Ardboe?

Clooney for Ardboe?

Following the news that Ardboe is to have its first outside Christmas tree, a series of unseemly public brawls have littered American televisions with top celebrities vying for the honour of turning them on. George Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Madonna and Kiera Knightly are all said to be offering their services for free with Adam Sandler promising to do a celebrity eel-gutting extravaganza thrown in if he gets the nod.

Ardboe Christmas Lights chief organiser, Pa Forbes, admitted he wasn’t all that overwhelmed by the interest:

“To be fair, I sorta knew there’d be a deadly rush for the job as soon as it appeared in the Tyrone Times. Liam Neeson was on the mobile by that afternoon, joking ‘I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you live, but when I find you, I will light them’. I didn’t like his tone so I put the phone down.”

Tom Cruise was another caller but Forbes again turned him down as they’d need a digger to lift him to the light switch.

“Yes, it would look cat with the digger and all. Jennifer Aniston was a favourite of mine but she was was being all prima-donna about it and asked for a big warm coat and a free drink at the Battery. No chance says I.”

Forbes has since created an online poll as to who the locals think should turn them on. Presently it sits as follows:

  • Rod Stewart 11%
  • Victoria Beckham 3%
  • Brad Pitt 16%
  • Messi 10%
  • Lynette Fay 39%
  • Malachi Cush 21%

Of the above, only Fay and Cush have yet to express an interest.

Forbes added that this is a time for cool heads. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been asked to quit the slagging and mudslinging  after Jolie accused Pitt of calling Ardboe ‘Arboe’, telling CNN “Ghost-oh, he’s some clift.”

New Radio Station ‘Tyrone FM’ Gets Off To Slow Start; Carrickmore Song Revealed

Boy George, he’s a Carmen man

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

County Tyrone’s newest radio station, Tyrone FM, got off to an uncertain start on Saturday after some prominent guests failed to show up.

Tyrone FM, which broadcasts on 189 Long Wave, received mixed feedback from those who bothered tuning in for the first broadcast on Saturday evening. Radio station owner, manager, broadcaster, presenter and DJ Duncan Hughes, said,

“We started off contacting the biggest names in showbiz, hoping we’d get at least one or two of them along. Philomena couldn’t make it, and neither could Mick Jagger, Madonna, or Bowie. By the time we got all the way through the list we ended up with Eoghan Quigg’s hairdresser which was a bit disappointing. And even she wanted twenty quid”.

Hughes was particularly disappointed about the no-show of one of Ireland’s biggest names.

“We faxed Bono on the Facebook and the Slabber and we didn’t get so much as a peep. I wanted him to do one of their big songs. Something like ‘Radio Gaga’ would have been perfect. Nothing. Who does think he is, a superstar or something? Next single of his isn’t getting played on this station. That’ll learn him”.

Listener Julie Bogue, an apple-corer from Aughabrack, said,

“Without being too unkind, it was dung from start to finish. It was advertised in the Dungannon Observer as a ‘mixture of repartee, music, and the very best in Tyrone banter’. All we got was Hughes complaining about the price of mince and the roadworks on the Ballygawley line”.

Standards fell even further when, in a seemingly desperate attempt to fill air time, Hughes turned up the volume on the TV in the studio and broadcast ‘Winning Streak’ for nearly an hour, followed by an old video recording of ‘George & Mildred’ from 1978.

‘I need to look at the format again”, admitted Hughes. “The on-air ‘Spot the Ball’ was maybe a bit misjudged and the radio version on ‘Galbally On Ice’ was a touch ambitious. Still, I don’t deserve the poundin’ I’ve taken. I’ll show them feckers. Ah’m tellin’ ye, I’m going to be one of the biggest names since Dave Lee Travis. He finished on the radio years ago and even today his name’s still on everyone’s lips. I’m going to be like that”, said a defiant Hughes.

Broadcasting continues this evening with the first airing of the equally disappointing Carrickmore’s song for the final ‘Carmen Chameleon’, the whole of which we can exclusively reveal below.

Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Carmen Chameleon
We score the goals, we score the goals
Penrose from Aghyaran and big Oz between the sticks
White, gold and green; white, gold and green

Repeat Again

Repeat Again

Repeat Again

Controversy At ‘Edendork’s Got Talent’. Teagues Out.

Last year's winners

Last year’s winners

Minolta DSCBy Pat Muckles

Brother and Sister Synchronised Bog Snorkelling Act ‘Get Shucked’ voted out of Edendork’s Got Talent.

It was to deafening chants of “Teagues Out” and “Kill All Teagues” that brother and sister Bog Snorkelling Act ‘Get Shucked’ aka Micky and Petra Teague, walked off stage last night at Edendork’s Got Talent.

The pair’s campaign to become 2013 EGT winners had been dogged with controversy throughout with accusations of vote-rigging refusing to go away, publication of fake back stories (they claimed their pet goat Malachi had perished in a bog back in 2003) and, after an interview in The Tyrone Times,  a perception that they were getting big-headed. Some also claimed they were just copying last year’s winners, Bog Snorkling Sopranos from Fintona.

The duo had found themselves in the bottom two along with Crisp ‘N’ Fly (aka Manus McMahon who made all types of crisp sandwiches on stage) leaving their survival to an already partisan audience.

Get Shucked fought for their place by performing Madonna’s ‘Like A Virgin’ in full bog-snorkling regalia, with McMahon once again demonstrating his skills in the mass construction of cheese & onion crisp sandwiches.

Liam Collins, an avid reality show fan from Beragh, old us:

“They never stood a chance. Performing ‘Like A Virgin’ with your sister is hard at the best of times but you add 300 hundred odd people shouting ‘Teagues Out’ and you’re snookered. I think the story about Malachi the Goat rubbed a few people up the wrong way.”

Majella McKenna from Donaghmore reckoned it was a dangerously poisonous atmosphere:

“I’ll not lie, there was a fair bitta juice put away and some got a bit carried away.  At the end, there were even a few boys shouting ‘Kill All Teagues’ which, if you know those Teagues, there’s a lot of them and it would take a long time to do.”

Tribulations had invited The Teagues to contribute but were told by a spokesperson that no comment would be made available at this time.

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