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Eskra Man To Make Millions Selling Brown Paper Bags With Faces On Them
BagFace ‘upset’ mode
An Eskra entrepreneur has told friends that he’ll probably be the richest man in Ireland this time next year after revealing plans to launch his new business venture called ‘BagFace’. Tommy McNabb (56) will open the doors of his showroom to the public on Monday morning in the village and has told customers to expect long queues:
“I got the idea from watching my wife play Scrabble on the computer. She got a good word, ‘trunks’ I think, and someone sent her a smiley face back. Emoticons you call them. Instead of writing well done, you expressed yourself through this face thing. I thought, Jaysus sure that could work in the real world. So I made 5000 different faces on brown paper bags with every emotion possible from ‘happy’ to ‘slightly nervous’. BagFace is the future, boys.”
McNabb went on to explain when you could use these paper bags:
“Anywhere! I wouldn’t be a deadly boy for smiling at all and at weddings I get told off by the wife and photographers. Now I can whip out a happy BagFace, stick it on, and everyone’s a winner. Funerals – maybe you feel alright but now you can stick on a weepy face. During boring speeches – stick on an ‘interested’ BagFace or ‘intellectual’ BagFace and all the while you’re sleeping your head off underneath.”
Rather than rest on his laurels, McNabb has plans to expand his empire:
“If BagFace makes millions early on, I’ll move into the dating scene. Say, for example, a woman is a bit bored with her husband. Maybe he’s not shaving and developing wrinkles and a belly. Now, she can stick a celebrity BagFace onto him so that when they’re kissing or other stuff, she can pretend it’s George Clooney or Brad Pitt. Or whatever takes your fancy, even Stephen Nolan. This could save marriages. I can make these on demand. I am also thinking of regional BagFaces, so maybe you want your partner to look like someone from Ardboe…hey presto.”
Bags are priced at £39.99 with dearer ones such as ‘mildly amused but secretly fuming’ costing £49.99.
Celebrities Fight To Turn On First Ardboe Christmas Lights
Clooney for Ardboe?
Following the news that Ardboe is to have its first outside Christmas tree, a series of unseemly public brawls have littered American televisions with top celebrities vying for the honour of turning them on. George Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Madonna and Kiera Knightly are all said to be offering their services for free with Adam Sandler promising to do a celebrity eel-gutting extravaganza thrown in if he gets the nod.
Ardboe Christmas Lights chief organiser, Pa Forbes, admitted he wasn’t all that overwhelmed by the interest:
“To be fair, I sorta knew there’d be a deadly rush for the job as soon as it appeared in the Tyrone Times. Liam Neeson was on the mobile by that afternoon, joking ‘I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you live, but when I find you, I will light them’. I didn’t like his tone so I put the phone down.”
Tom Cruise was another caller but Forbes again turned him down as they’d need a digger to lift him to the light switch.
“Yes, it would look cat with the digger and all. Jennifer Aniston was a favourite of mine but she was was being all prima-donna about it and asked for a big warm coat and a free drink at the Battery. No chance says I.”
Forbes has since created an online poll as to who the locals think should turn them on. Presently it sits as follows:
- Rod Stewart 11%
- Victoria Beckham 3%
- Brad Pitt 16%
- Messi 10%
- Lynette Fay 39%
- Malachi Cush 21%
Of the above, only Fay and Cush have yet to express an interest.
Forbes added that this is a time for cool heads. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been asked to quit the slagging and mudslinging after Jolie accused Pitt of calling Ardboe ‘Arboe’, telling CNN “Ghost-oh, he’s some clift.”
Tyrone Tribulations 