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Celebrities Fight To Turn On First Ardboe Christmas Lights

Clooney for Ardboe?

Clooney for Ardboe?

Following the news that Ardboe is to have its first outside Christmas tree, a series of unseemly public brawls have littered American televisions with top celebrities vying for the honour of turning them on. George Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Madonna and Kiera Knightly are all said to be offering their services for free with Adam Sandler promising to do a celebrity eel-gutting extravaganza thrown in if he gets the nod.

Ardboe Christmas Lights chief organiser, Pa Forbes, admitted he wasn’t all that overwhelmed by the interest:

“To be fair, I sorta knew there’d be a deadly rush for the job as soon as it appeared in the Tyrone Times. Liam Neeson was on the mobile by that afternoon, joking ‘I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you live, but when I find you, I will light them’. I didn’t like his tone so I put the phone down.”

Tom Cruise was another caller but Forbes again turned him down as they’d need a digger to lift him to the light switch.

“Yes, it would look cat with the digger and all. Jennifer Aniston was a favourite of mine but she was was being all prima-donna about it and asked for a big warm coat and a free drink at the Battery. No chance says I.”

Forbes has since created an online poll as to who the locals think should turn them on. Presently it sits as follows:

  • Rod Stewart 11%
  • Victoria Beckham 3%
  • Brad Pitt 16%
  • Messi 10%
  • Lynette Fay 39%
  • Malachi Cush 21%

Of the above, only Fay and Cush have yet to express an interest.

Forbes added that this is a time for cool heads. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been asked to quit the slagging and mudslinging Ā after Jolie accused Pitt of calling Ardboe ‘Arboe’, telling CNN “Ghost-oh, he’s some clift.”

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