A Moygashel machine operator admitted this morning that he’s not overly enamored with Brussel Sprouts in spite of what he has said at every dinner table he has eaten at around Christmas since 1955. Malachy Carney made the astonishing outburst to his mate Gerry the plumber as they fished for small perch in the Torrent River before sunrise on Wednesday.

“I’m coming clean this year,” he told Gerry the plumber, “I can’t stand the fcukers. Since a young lad I’ve watched people put them in their gob and chew whilst trying not to show the utter feeling of revulsion and disgust on their face. It was a sign of weakness for a man in Moygashel not to like the sprouts. I remember my grandfather passing out after eating his second one and he put it down to ‘bad movements’ so no one asked any questions. I knew rightly. Well, that’s it for me. I’d rather ate a boul a dung.”

Carney’s nightmare

Malachy, who was in a particularly bad mood this morning, also admitted he didn’t really like Christmas and wouldn’t be sending any Christmas cards out this year, even to his in-laws. Gerry took up the story:

“Jaysus he was in foul form altogether. He said he hadn’t received a Christmas present he’d liked since he got a pile of Lego when he was 5. This annoyed me a bit as I’d bought him a pair of Brian Dooher trunks last year. Then he pledged not to reply to cards he received as the majority were a shower of miserable bastards the rest of the year who’d cross the street if they saw you coming. Just when I thought he was finished he said he didn’t believe in Jesus anyway and says there’s no way yer woman rode on a donkey with her nine months pregnant in the depths of winter.”

Malachy repeated the message to Mrs Carney on arriving home, only to be met with an avalanche of abuse about ‘acting the bollocks’ and that he would be eating the sprouts ‘or there’d be no drink bought the year’. Carney said he would take a few then.