Bouncers up and down the country are currently being re-trained to brutally deal with persistent children who may attempt to gain entry to pantomimes during the festive season, including smelling young-looking people’s breath for Farley’s Rusks, turfing them into the air, roundhouse kicks and checking for nappies.

Following the news that the Irish Health Minister has recommended that children should not attend their favourite pantos this year, bouncers have been told to ‘full metal jacket’ on any children trying to access theatres, with police on hand to confiscate Haribos and Fruit Shoots as an initial deterrent.

In a trial run near Navan, seven 4 to 6-year-olds were unceremoniously booted out onto the road after trying to gain access dressed as dwarves for the Snow White matinee.

Witness Kathy Hearn explained:

“It was like something out of a horror show. There were children flying through the air like fireworks. To make it worse, the parents were laughing their heads off and giving their own children the fingers as they went on ahead in. It’s a broken society.”

The Goldilocks and the Three Bears panto in Killyman has been rebranded as an adult version and will be played by the Killyman Players with three special guests from a strip joint in London.