Clady native, Patrick “Ditzy” Finn, has been banned from working at children’s parties following a “less than successful” attempt at entertaining children at a Hallowe’en event at St Columba’s Primary School in the village earlier this week.

We understand that Mr Finn, who promised “fun and frolics” on his little flyers, was unable to contort his balloons into the animals requested by the children in attendance, and was only able to make what he called “lengths of sausages”.  His clown outfit left one child needing psychiatric care, and one little girl with a black eye after his juggling went astray.

One concerned parent, Mary Reilly, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:

“The straw that broke the camel’s back was his sword swallowing bit.  You see, at the start he came in all bleary-eyed, smelling of drink and as soon as the stainless steel hit his lips, he regurgitated all over the PE hall floor.  He clearly had a lot of Red Bull and a breakfast roll that morning, will LOTS of onions… it was disgusting.  I pity the poor cleaner who has to try to scrub that from between those wee thin wooden strips of a floor”

Unconfirmed reports claim that Finn had a full-sized live tiger in his HiAce van ready for his encore, but thought better of that after he was asked to cut his performance short by the principal. The ISPCA is currently looking into whether there is in fact a tiger in the van, still parked outside the school, as it keeps “rocking and roaring” after he went straight to the pub and hasn’t been heard of.  His wife is appealing for witnesses.

In other news, Donaghmore residents have been disgusted that the council can’t somehow stop the rain from wetting their footpaths.