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NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.

McCrea about to bombard Greencastle

McCrea about to bombard Greencastle

The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.

The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.

The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:

“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”

The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.

McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.

McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.

Irish Government Leak Plans To Quarry ‘Whole Of Tyrone’

Tyrone in 2016?

Tyrone in 2016?

Tyrone Tourism Officer Candy McClean has urged his office to drop the ‘Amongst The Bushes’ county slogan after a leaked document from Dublin revealed plans to immediately quarry the whole of Tyrone as soon as they have the authority to do so. The controversial plans, code-named ‘Dig Her Up 2016’, will see the entire population of Tyrone relocated to Fermanagh, Armagh, Donegal and Monaghan. Dissenters will be threatened with a move to Derry.

McClean admitted:

“Aye, it’s a bit of a disaster alright. Like, what do they expect to find in the east of the county? That’s just swampland. We’ll have to change our famous slogan as there’ll be no bushes at all in the new Tyrone. Maybe ‘Tyrone – It’s a Great Big Hole’. I used to be all on for a United Ireland til I heard this. Them Dublin ones are ruthless.”

Not all locals were completely against the potential digging session. Harry Askew from Eskra remained unfazed by the plans:

“My message to the rest of the county is dry yer eyes. Up here in Eskra they’ve been quarrying the dung outta us for years and sure we still won the Intermediate Championship. It’s been like this for us as well as Carrickmore, Drumnakilly, Mountfield, Greencastle, Mullaslin, Altamuskin and Altcloughfin for as long as we can remember. You get used to the vibration, dust, stoor, drilling sounds and all after a while.”

Askew denied that he was turning a blind eye to the mass upheaval because he owns the world’s largest quarrying equipment business.

Quarrying is expected to begin within days of a political handover. Senior Unionist politicians have privately admitted they’d reconsider their allegiance to the crown if it meant Tyrone and, in particularly McElduff, were totally excavated.

Derrytresk To Host Its First Orange March

100_5627-thumbIn what has been described as a historic gesture that’ll reverberate across the globe, Derrytresk are to host a 12th of July parade for the brethren up at Tamnamore. The controversial decision has been roundly applauded with a couple of high profile republican and unionist ministers declaring that they’ll think about going if there’s nothing else on.

The march’s chief organiser, Sadie McClure, outlined the schedule:

“The band and its supporters will arrive at about 11. We’ve commissioned a few desks from Kingsisland School and a couple of women say they’ll prepare a pile of mineral, maybe 10 jugs of diluted juice, and we’ll have the mineral sitting on the desks at the electric pole outside the pitch. I’m making cheese sandwiches and the barman says he’ll throw up a couple of packets of Bacon Fries.”

The route itself is slightly less straight forward according to McClure:

“It’s a wee bit tricky. They’ll be marching mostly across barren ramparts the whole way to Drumurrer, negotiating a few hateful ditches that have claimed small dogs in the past. We’ve asked Johnny Hagan to tie up his buck goat for that one day. It roams the moss along with Tomney’s bull. It can’t be tied so we’d be hoping the lambeg drummer will give it a few skites if it runs for them. It should be ok.”

The PSNI have revealed they will not be patrolling the march as there’s nowhere to stand and no jeeps can access the route anyway.

Tamnamore have said they’ll return the favour next Easter Sunday with the Derrytresk Ceile Band allowed to parade around their roundabout about 20 times hassle free.

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