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NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.

McCrea about to bombard Greencastle

McCrea about to bombard Greencastle

The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.

The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.

The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:

“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”

The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.

McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.

McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.

Prosperous Priest Admits He’s A Shopaholic

Fr Butler's hallway

Fr Butler’s hallway

Plumbridge clergyman Fr Butler, nicknamed ‘The Plum’s Prosperous Priest’, has admitted he can’t go past a shop without buying something shiny or golden but has vowed to say longer masses to make up for his lavish spending.

Parish accountant Jack Spratt reckons Fr Butler, who boasts a fleet of Citroen Dyanes and three Saudi Abrabian crowns, has spent almost £1.2m in the last 15 years, mostly the takings from Sunday collections and tenners given to him at weddings or christenings. Also amongst his possessions is a private plane with a Lithuanian pilot and two chairs made from Indian horses.

Butler admitted he might seek treatment for his monetary addiction:

“It’s a terrible affliction. When I was being handed a fiver or tenner after a funeral all I could think about was going into Omagh and buying something shiny like a chain for around me neck or maybe golden tips for my laces. Then ten pounds would lead to me taking the whole of the weekend’s collections and going out to an auction in Cookstown and buying all manner of second-hand shiny stuff like hefty medallions or golden chalices for the house. I was out of control.”

Concerns were raised about Fr Butler’s spending when a school trip to his house revealed the extent of his shopping habits. Master McGrath, principal of Plumbridge Academy, told us:

“I was dumbstruck. House? More like a 5-star hotel. On entering his abode I noticed all the door knobs were made of solid African gold and hanging from the ceilings were the most extravagant Brazilian chandeliers you’ll ever see. It was like a scene out of Dynasty. What came next was a real eye-opener. Fr Butler was sitting at a golden table, wearing a shiny crown made of sparkling jewels as well as a sparkling cloak and his maid was feeding him Jamaican grapes from a massive glittery silver spoon. All he gave the children was a packet of crisps and a Tip Top mineral with straw.”

The shamed clergyman has vowed to make it up to his flock by saying extra long masses and handing out shorter penances after confessions.

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