Dungannon Man Causes Riot By Putting Out Wrong Bins
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Dungannon man Pedro Sanchez caused utter chaos around Tyrone’s second town, Dungannon, by putting out all three bins on the street last Tuesday. Under cover of darkness, Mr Sanchez, who lives at the top of Irish Street, has admitted to wheeling out the blue, brown and black bins and leaving them in plain sight the whole day before bin day which is on Thursday.
Sanchez, who plays right half back for the Clarkes Reserves, caused panic amongst those who only look up the road the night before bin day to see what the others have put out.
“the oul memory isn’t what it used to be”
said the 26-year-old. He continued:
“like, how are you supposed to remember the pin numbers for all your cards, the mobile phone numbers, the code for the front door at work, the passwords for your online accounts AND the feckin’ right bins to be put out every week.“
Riots broke out across the town as residents argued over what bin it should be. Even the bin men themselves got confused, started fighting too, and ended up mixing up all waste and recycling and just throwing it into the one lorry.
Lockdown Exposes Fact That Men Only Good For Putting Out The Bins
The current Covid crisis has confirmed what many women in the county have suspected for decades – that men are only good for putting out bins and nothing else.
A survey in a local magazine about strawberries confirmed 95% of women recently discovered that when most men say they’ve work to do in the shed, they simply sharpen tools that they never use and just put the bins out once a week, grunting.
One anonymous replier, Sadie from Eskra, commented:
“For years he’d be hammering and scraping away in that shed and I was too busy in the house to find out what he’s at. Now I see it all. He’s doing buck all, sharpening away at a saw I’ve never seen him use. Even when he puts the bins out he makes it out to be a big job and comes back sweating and stuff and looking tea.”
Over 90% of women complained that even the bins were not put out correctly and that more often than not, half the rubbish will have spilled out from the house to the end of the driveway by the time he’s left it out.
In other news, a Brocagh woman has told her husband that she’s addicted to social distancing at home and that she may need to extend it for another 24 months.
Half Of Tyrone On Tablets For Nerves After 80% Of Bins Not Emptied On Normal Day
Despite repeated warnings that bin collections may be disrupted over the festive period, over 20’000 applications were made for a fresh course of nerve tablets as hordes of Tyronnies struggled to look at overflowing bins this week.
In an additional concern, many families paid uncles and grandfathers to watch bins overnight in case rodents attacked overfilled carcasses of turkeys and other meaty deposits. Over 300 cases of hypothermia were cited in the greater Omagh area since December 27th.
Local GPs have reminded patients that tablets will only be offered if the bin-lid is over 45 degrees open and will only accept photographic proof.
Sion Mills binman and social commentator Jessie Kavanagh admitted that it was worse this year due to the inability of people to look at stickers on bins:
“Unless it’s on Twitter or Facebook, no one knows anything. On my rounds this month for example, I stuck three stickers on a particular bin close to me about the festive dates and, lo and behold, I saw it sitting on the kerb on the day it shouldn’t have been. People need to read bins.”
The Tyrone Bin Association are to run night classes on bin-sticker reading from February the first. The course will cost £35 or £100 for a family of four.
Half Of East Tyrone On Stress Medication Due To Multiple Bin Situation
Minor skirmishes have been breaking out all over East Tyrone following the introduction of two more bins, a brown and a yellow one, to add to the black, blue and orange bins already in use in most households. Several bin men admitted they don’t feel safe as house-owners wait behind hedges and trees in order to pounce if their bin is not collected whether it was meant to be or not.
The Dungannon and South Tyrone Borough Council have also come under criticism for the recent series of bins introduced which, when added to the under-the-sink bins, means all homes have 9 different bins with varying shades of colours.
Housewife Peggy Muldoon from Aughamullan explained:
“You’d nearly be happy with no bin at all. We were told not to put the stuff we’d normally put in the black into the black bin but put it in the brown bin. Now we have to put things you can’t eat into the black bin. But, like, I don’t eat teabags and I put them in the black bin yet the man refused to collect it as his bin x-ray machine said it could see a tea bag in my black bin. He says it goes in the orange bin and not the brown bin because you can’t eat it but you can suck it. The black bin is for hard things you can’t consume or nappies. Sheer madness.”
The new yellow bin as been added to homes for ‘things that you can bend but not eat, suck or break’. The blue bin is now to be used for newspapers and magazines, as long as neither exceed 78 pages when they can be placed in the black bin.
Added to the five outdoor bins, four bins (or caddies) have been given to households to place under the sink – blue, orange, green and purple. Muldoon added:
“Six people on our road had kitchen extensions in order to cater for the four under-the-sink bins. The purple one is the most confusing as it is for meat that doesn’t from from animals with four limbs. My mother is on 4 Prozac a day in case she puts out the wrong bin as the bin men have been getting angrier if the wrong bin is left out. They kicked the shit out of my brother last week for putting a pig’s trotter in the blue bin.”
Brackaville punters have a more intricate situation with two more bins for animal and human excrement.