Dungannon residents were celebrating yesterday over plans agreed for the town to get its own quarter-mile long open-air water slide.
“We’re delighted”, said local Councillor Declan Brady. “It’s going to run down the hill on Scotch Street from Thomas Street. We’ll give people a free tub of Vaseline if they’re not going fast enough, or if the fat ones get a bit stuck. We don’t want a pile-up outside Sammy Trotter’s. The slide ends in the freezer aisle of Tesco so people can get a wee Cornetto if they’re a bit hot. Mighty”.
The announcement comes after the ill-timed Dungannon open-air ice rink opened last Saturday in Dungannon Square and promptly closed down just three hours later owing to ‘surface temperature problems’, when all the ice melted and flooded Boots. Brady is hoping for greater success with the ‘Flume of Doom’.
“Them boys from Disney in Americay will come knocking once they see this yolk. Their water slides only go downhill. Ours will go up the hill as well. Or it will just as soon as we’ve sorted out the anti-gravity situation. And if that doesn’t work we’ll hire one of thon big water cannon trucks from Belfast and we’ll just blast people back up the slide. They won’t mind. Especially the Granville ones”.
The timing of the announcement comes in the middle of the warmest summer in the county for several years, prompting residents to start rolling up long johns, sticking their arses into fridges, and showering weekly whether they need to or not.
Environmentalist have expressed concerns about potential water wastage.
“No problem. That’s why we’re banning the drinking of water with immediate effect throughout the County”, countered Brady. “If it gets any worse we might have to impose a hosepipe ban, but obviously that’s a last resort. And people should be looking at other ways to cut down, like fattening up the weans so that they’ll take up less water in the bath”.
The open-air slide is expected to be operational by December.
The Glenelly Rockin By The River Festival organisers have reminded punters that they won’t be trigger-shy if things cut up rough during the Nathan Carter concert and have especially warned women who may let excitement get the better of them. Having watched with interest the goings-on in Belfast at the weekend, Glenelly officials were quick to ask for a loan of one of the water cannons but added a sinister warning:
“Let us assure you, we’ll be testing this yoke to its capacity. And it’ll not just be water coming out of it if people don’t behave.”
Organisers have drawn up a list of potential troublemakers, topped by women from Plumbridge who have a reputation for going ‘buck mad’ when they hear country music.
“Yes, it is true that Plumbridge women are high on our radar, especially after they wrecked the hall during Hugo’s charity concert last summer. Any sign of wrecking during Carter’s concert and they’ll be getting the hose on them. Even if we think we don’t like the look of someone they’ll be sent 60ft into the air without warning. We’ll show these PSNI ones how it’s done.”
The use of dye in the water has not been ruled out as well as throwing in a distinctive odour.
“The Chinese wouldn’t be behind the door when it comes to using dye. We’ll be spraying pink at drunken lads. Also, a fertiliser will be added if Carter is inundated with women’s knickers. Tam Jones emailed us to say he wished he’d done a concert in Glenelly if that had been the policy back in his day.”
Organisers have added that there’s almost a 99% chance of the water cannon being deployed during the More Power To Your Elbow concert on Saturday, simply to give the locals a “much-needed wash” for Mass the next day. Shower gel will be added.