The GAA are currently poring over ways to make the outcome of drawn games look more Irish, with recitals and novelty acts leading the way according to a GAA Senate insider.
With the Galway/Armagh finish whipping up a furious backlash on social media at the weekend after Galway edged Armagh on penalties, GAA authorities have urged its secret voting hierarchy to come up with ideas that will prevent future comparisons with soccer.
Insiders have informed us that the notion was considered last week, with the Bard of Armagh and a Galway poet secretly contacted to compose a piece to be read out on Croke Park in the event of a draw. The referee, linesmen, and umpires were to decide on the winner by gathering in the middle of the field and talking about it for 15 minutes. The plan was abandoned after it emerged the Bard was actually from Eglish.
The GAA Senate is to trial the new initiative during the Tyrone Junior Championship and has already informed all clubs to get working on a short play or long poem in the case of a draw.
Meanwhile, Begley’s in Dungannon have not commented on the accusation that they recently made 1000s of Derry flags but sold them as Tyrone flags.
An initiative by Galbally Civil Council to sober up the locals for a full month has witnessed varying degrees of success. Whilst random lane-brawling has seen a decrease in incidents, the side effects of a much soberer community have been devastating. The self-styled ‘King of Galbally’ Pat Tally (50) offered an insight into life in Galbally over the last month:
“It hasn’t been great, personally. After about three days of sobriety, the wife was sufficiently dried out to take a good look at me. It dawned on her that I looked a bit like that elephant man boy. Whilst intoxicated she must’ve thought I was Galbally’s answer to Robert Redford, and we’ve been married 28 years. She won’t even look at me now without either laughing or retching. It’s cat altogether. I wish she’d take a charge at it so we could get back to marital ignorance.”
Housewife Roisin Murphy (29) revealed other crippling side effects of sobriety in the area:
“Before the hubby sobered up, he was a great handyman. Plumbing, wiring, hammering – he could do it all. Now he cannot even dig a hole. He’s a useless lump. It seems that the stout gave him some sort of super-powers. Others are saying the same. Galbally’s falling down around us as the men are now reading books and writing oul stupid love poems. This sober craic is a disaster around here. The cattle are learning to milk each other, that’s how bad the neglect is”.
Some residents have welcomed the period of sobriety. Johnny Nugent (44) says he’s a changed man:
“Jaysus, I’m a new man. This morning I made toast and tea for the whole family. I never thought I could do that a month ago. I shower nearly every other day and the wife and I have had some deadly kissing sessions. In the past I’d have headed out the door to the site without spakin a word, with three half’uns already in me. Flip, I mightn’t drink again.”
The ‘Sober for July’ experiment ends on Wednesday